Given to Give

This next trial is going to be a hard one.

For my best friend's birthday this year, I am doing the best gift I can think of: A family portrait. Detail pencil sketch on a large, nice paper and everything. It's the sort of thing that people pay hundreds of dollars for because of the time and energy it takes. And even then, if the artist doesn't know you, sometimes they don't really "capture" the person. So, you pay also for the heart that has to be put into it.

Well, I've done three others of similar caliber in my life so far. And each previous time what I did was when I was just about finished, I would make a copy. Then I'd finish the drawing on the copied paper and give that away. Then I could keep the original to remember them by.

This was a good thing for me then and I had every intention of doing it again this time. But that's not what Heavenly father has in mind. I keep being prompted that this time I am to give this one away completely.

When the feeling first came, I tried to ignore it. After all this was going to be my best work yet. Three people that I cared for in the same picture. This project was going to take me many days of intense work, plenty of hours with utter exhaustion after every few. I was putting my all into this gift. He wouldn't really want me to keep nothing for myself after all that, right?

The feeling was persistent. Finally, I prayed and asked. And I knew without a doubt, though I didn't like the answer, it was clear. That's exactly what He wants.

The more you are given the more is required. And the more you are given, the harder it is to give up everything that you have.

But I suppose I started it by saying I wanted to be the person He wants me to be. This one is really a hard trial for me and I keep trying to wheedle out of it somehow.

Yet, especially with art, I know that I can't do anything without Him.

So, in a sense, me trying to keep this picture is like trying to keep a gift that wasn't mine in the first place. I think I understand now.

Retinal Hemorrhage

Well, never a dull moment in this house. Here's what going on:

Went in today since I was seeing a purple dot in my field of vision. Like an after image, but lasting for days and not transparent.

After quite a lot of hours of testing, we found a hemorrhage in the retina of my left eye.

There's a few causes for something like that. One is high blood pressure, which got tested 5 different times by 5 different people. So it's not that. I went in for blood work to check if I have diabetes. I don't think I do, though.

So, if it doesn't grow, it's all good because it can just be lasered out, so that's what we're hoping for. If it grows, we'll just have to see. So far it's been stable since morning.

But sitting in all those offices gave me a lot of time to think about the senses we're given to experience life. And in turn a whole lot of gratitude towards God. Sight for one is an amazing thing and then I started thinking about hearing. Even just between those two, I'm really blessed.

Simplicity

This past week, my Mom and I were spending a lot of time around each other due to just plain proximity and so, as the head of the Christmas magic making team, she used me as an advisor to a lot of her planning. Just a few days ago, she found out that not only was my sister and her husband spending the night over Christmas Eve, but on Christmas morning, 4 of their in-laws were coming over too.

Mom panicked as any mother would rightly do. She worried about gifts, housing, games, decorations, cleanliness, dishes, parking, menus...etc. And with that worry, other worries were encouraged to come to the surface to join in the festivities.

At one point in all of this, I managed to insert, "Mom. Remember the point, the reason for giving? It's true, we should give, but not because of "fear of man." That misses the whole idea. Christ would want us to give for the feeling it brings each of us in the giving. The food is for celebration, but really, it's about communion and getting together and stuff. We're losing Christmas in all of this holiday planning and I miss it."

There was a lot of stuff that I did to make things simpler, but Mom wanted to impress, so we fought a lot. And what I found from all of these mini tug-o-wars was that, the closer we got to simplicity, the easier it got to feel the Spirit. But even then, I feel like others didn't feel it most of the time. I know that the best part of Christmas was when I sat there in the bath and read the gospels, then played hymn-type things on the flute. That, and being together, teasing each other mercilessly as siblings do (whether it was over food or gifts, it didn't seem to matter).

I guess I really wanted to mix those two feelings. The peace and focus on what really mattered, combined with the communion of kin.

There were gifts I enjoyed giving. And that was nice, but it was also a communion, not a contest. Often I would give the gift and they'd be excited, but it would get set to the side as we played and talked together because that's the part that really mattered.

It goes back to the lesson I'm really learning right now about the right order of things. You can do all the right things in the wrong order and it will be wrong. The wise men brought gifts, but the point was worship. They would not have been so wise if they had brought gifts to physically show him how much time or money they spent on the gifts and then forget the worship part. So that's what I want to do. Keep the importance on the right thing.

The Right Order of Things

Took me quite a while and a fair amount of help to get this one. But I finally am and it's making all the difference.

In the past few months so many things have been happening so fast I can hardly keep up. One of the big things on that list is that before now I was terrified of people. It sounds funny and I couldn't really explain it, but other than a very small amount being around anyone put me on edge...sort of like tarantulas constantly being in the room would for some, I suppose.

But now, with help from multiple sides (including up) I am conquering that fear. And as a result, for the first time, people can get close enough that I get to know them and like them. I've been pretty much solely self-reliant all my life. If it was a choice between approaching someone and asking for a ride or taking the time to walk a few miles in the dark I would almost always choose the latter.

Things are changing slightly there, at the same time I am discovering my views on what I believe and getting to understand who God is to me. Both are really good, but as two friends pointed out to me in their own ways, it's the wrong order.

I never had to deal with "putting faith in man" before because, well, I never did. And since I haven't had to deal with it I didn't realize the danger.

Not only was I getting attached to people, but I was letting that attachment come before the one with me and God. Upon realizing this, I prayed and understood the concept like this: If I am a white light and God is a prism, I am to go through Him before touching anything else. Relationships are fuller, more colorful, more right that way.

Already I am understanding this and I want to be closer to Him. And in return He is answering my prayer and I feel as though He is drawing me in for the friendship of a lifetime.

Confirmation

So many things have happened this past week, in the realms of spiritual and emotional. But one of the things I should share is an e-mail I wrote last Sunday, describing what happened that afternoon.

"Today was amazing! I don't know if you felt it too, but as we were singing that one song... I can't remember which one because of what happened, but I remember the alleluias...

It's hard to describe, even now. But I felt Him like I never have before.

It was beyond words, that feeling of joy and light and happiness and love and rightness. I felt like He was right there inside me or beside me or everywhere, I wasn't sure maybe all, but He was there. Like I was filled with such emotions that it was more than I could take and all of them good. Or filled with light without a trace of darkness, so bright I could not bear it all in my body. I really can't describe it, perhaps it was love, but a love greater than any other.

I've felt promptings from the Spirit, some stronger than others, but that... It's the first time I felt Him there so strongly.

And the music. I always keep Him in mind and use the music to praise, but this time it really felt like it was a gift that I was giving to Him and that it was good. And that's all I wanted to do.

I took time to process it today and feel it out more and talk with Him... but even with all of that prayer, I'm still just in awe. It makes me wonder how someone that good could love someone like me, but at the same time there is no doubt in my mind that He does.

And that feeling was so strong! It felt like the whole place should have been on fire or filled with light..."

I still can't describe it, but the experience was more than I could have imagined and even though plenty of bad things are happening around me, I can bring up just a memory of that feeling and feel that sense of purpose and love again.

'A World in Us'

Well, the final project for Music Tech is done... at least until editing starts on Friday. Phwew.

The basic requirement was it had to be a song that told a story and after several attempts to write a song that I could get into unsuccessfully, I finally found the right idea. The first was a confrontation. Then a desert-type dance. But I wrote them without heart.

This song was a song about a character (me) walking along through a crowd and wondering what having a friend would be like. Then as the character is speaking, she becomes aware that another voice is there with her. She continues walking and talking until she is sure of what is happening.

And that thing that is happening is a friendship being born. The two turn to each other and acknowledge it, laughing and teasing as if they've known each other all along. The music changes and becomes alive, each person building off of the other.

They begin to settle into this relationship and it changes from a dance into something deeper. The pace slows and they begin to understand what has really happened. That they have been changed forever.

The crowd comes back into it, but over top the noise, you can still sense the music of the friendship. And it closes with the acknowledgement that no matter how distant these two become, they will always be an echo in each others' hearts.

This song has special meaning to me. And I can tell when people are listening to it if they have had a friendship like it before. Those who have become distant-eyed with a sad smile on their face. My guess is it is for them as it is for me... This friendship has a hold on my heart, so that I feel slightly empty whenever we are apart. That's the look they have anyway. And the people who haven't had that type of friendship look inspired and hopeful as they listen. Bright eyed and curious.

Another part that made it special is that in the music there was a main flute part and Carol was willing to play it for this song. I also asked if she wouldn't mind saying some of the texts, so that I didn't have to only work with my voice. The recording session itself was a good memory, but since it was Carol and I's audio, the song became so much more real. While I was arranging and composing stuff, every time I heard us laughing or trading off or teasing each other, I was reminded of the emotions that I needed in order to write this piece.

And now when I'm feeling that slight emptiness from her absence then I can listen and hear her voice and it helps soothe that.

A Happy Thanksgiving

Well, yesterday was an amazing day, I've gotta say.

Carol had invited me over to join in their Thanksgiving dinner, which I already figured would be fun. I also wanted to help with the preparations in order to help, be around Carol, and learn a lot of things I'll need to know at some point.

She said I could and that she'd pick me up, but that's when I realized there was an even better way to start my Thanksgiving. I declined and told her I'd walk.

And boy was it a wonderful walk! I went hopping through the untouched snow for a few miles, watched a herd of deer, got to see the geese migrating South, read a really good book, sang as loud as I wanted, traced the crystal patterns on the edge of a river, played with some dogs, and most of all, felt the freedom and joy of life! All in about 8-9 miles that morning. I'll admit, I was pretty tired by the time I got to Carol's and am really feeling all that off-trailing in my legs today.

And the time over at Carol's... well, I thought I was dreaming for half the time, everything was so wonderful. The back and forth teasing, the spirit and livelihood, and the friendship/kinship I get from Carol just by being around her. In fact, I was usually able to be useful because of that bond. She didn't ask me to do much, but I was able to tell what she needed done. I guess I like that feeling of not being told, but being able to actually be helpful.

I spent some time bonding with Emma and getting her to interact more with the rest of us. And get used to me again. One strange thing about that time period was Carol pointing out that Emma and I had acted like sisters from the start. I wanted to respond, "Yeah, and so did you and I, Carol," but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate, even though we do... Well, I guess we act more like best friends than sisters. Better at reading each others' minds and a little less fighting.

I also got to interact with Charles quite a bit more this time... To be honest, it's a little painful for me to since the more I find out about him, the more real he becomes and the more I long for my own "life-long best friend." Watching him and Carol interact is really nice. Can't explain it, but the playful teasing, the little battles of will and wit, and the laughter, oh and especially the teamwork. It's not seamless, but it's sure better than anything I've seen before. I guess they resonate.

On the ride over, I got Kim to start opening up and being talkative so that she would be that way for the dinner. Just takes a little for to break the ice, but once you do, she's really social. I also had asked Kim for a special favor before we left our apartment. She wanted to come, but she was saying she wasn't sure how long she wanted to stay. I was really sad to hear this, but then asked her if she wouldn't mind staying longer for me and Carol. She hesitated, so I knew she thought about it, but agreed eventually.

Once she was there and saw Carol and I interacting with each other in the no-words-but-real-understanding way, I could tell Kim understood why I wanted to stay. And I was grateful for that.

It's not as though Carol and I were alone or ignoring everyone. I think we each did an admirable job in including everyone else. But there were still plenty of moments that were "just ours." Where she'd say something or I'd say something and we'd glance at each other with a perfectly timed, knowing look.

Overall it was wonderful. And we stayed until all of us were close to falling asleep, so we all were getting kinda dorky. Felt just like a family.

Oh, that's another thing that was great. I felt so happy when I was there helping out and all three members of the family said I was a part of the family. Nothing against my own, but I never felt like I fit into it like this. I love my family members like friends and treat my friends like family, I guess.

Resonance

Learned something in Physics. Or rather learned an old concept with the Physics perspective. And upon looking at it in the new way, I understood even another viewpoint.

We were discussing the topic of resonance. From my musical background, I already knew that it was a way in which waves combined to produce a bigger sound.

But in the lecture for Physics, he said it in a way that made me think. He showed us a rope hanging between two poles. Along the rope were quite a few tennis balls hanging from strings of varying lengths. He asked us if he were to start one swinging which one of the others would have the greatest angular velocity after a moment.

Most of the class assumed that the ball hanging from the shortest string would move the fastest since the energy required to move a certain angle was less, but that wasn't the case.

It was the one that was the same length as the original ball to be filled with energy. Not the shortest or middle or longest.

He told the class, “You see, the amount of distance doesn’t matter, it’s the coordination between the two systems in question. The one similar in nature will receive the most energy from the original. And soon enough do you know what will happen?” He waited for a moment as we watched the second ball's velocity increase and then told us what was happening. “The second system will receive energy from the first and will then be the one to supply energy to the entire system as the first had done.”

And that’s when I understood! That’s the concept of real friendship. Two people resonate, becoming more than they ever could. They supply energy to others, switching off continuously. It’s basically what God does to us. And it’s the best way I can describe my best relationships. It’s what I see in those beautiful marriages, the ones that have something I know a lasting relationship needs.

It’s as if they push each other at just the right moment and before you know it, the system accelerates. That's why if you give energy in those sort of things you get it back. Now I understand!

Two Big Changes

I can't believe how my life has changed in just this last little bit!

Two large things have happened in these past few months that have changed my life completely and both for the better. I finally truly get the concept of grace and I have a true friend. Well, I guess I have two counting Christ. =D

I feel the light inside me from the first, changing my life and how I live it. The spiritual knowledge I'm gaining is scintillating in my mind even as the light explodes from my spirit. Things still happen, and golly, life is still hard, but I understand the big picture better now.

There's so much to say on this part, but a lot of it's so immense and emotional that I'm not going to attempt to put it into words right now.

And then the second part... I always dreamed what this would be like, but though my dreams were grand and amazing, they simply pale in comparison with the real thing. I thought I understood friendship before now, but how little I really knew...

It's different somehow with Carol and I then what I had experienced before. I suppose that others, I have played the hero and loved and cared for, but learned to expect very little from in return. I enjoyed helping them, so I called it friendship and it was I guess...

Maybe this needs a different word then because it's nothing like that. With her, I feel like I can expect as much as I can give. Not just in gifts or time or encouragement, but in love itself. She teaches me and sometimes I think I teach her. At least, I know we are "competing" buddies and that's not just one sided.

When we hike, I push myself and I can see she does the same. The last time we even stopped at the same time (I was perhaps slightly more worn out, but no way to be sure).

I don't feel as though I've got to hold back. She understands my questions' intentions and she accepts both my weaknesses and strengths. I don't feel embarrassed around her for my talents or my knowledge, but rather spurred on.

And the laughter... :~) Oh boy, does she make me laugh. And vice versa. We share wisdom and wit back to back. And I just realized that she actually follows along with me. I mean, most are thrown off by that double meaning stuff. Heh, but then again most people can't have two entirely separate conversations with the same person at the same time and that happened pretty early on in our friendship.

I think that was before I really realized what was happening here and what I was getting into. ;)

And this last time she left... I had quite a bit of a harder time than I expected. Things just weren't the same without that one person there. I mean, I still functioned and I still had spirit and stuff. It just felt like I was constantly wishing for something.

When she came back and we saw each other at rehearsal, it was all I could do to wipe the goofy smile off of my face. And she was mighty talkative. In fact, at the end she started laughing so hard she couldn't stop. I haven't seen her do that in a rehearsal before.

Maybe Vonnie and Nancy are right: Perhaps I'm really not the only one being changed by this friendship.

Saturday with a Friend

It's a little delayed, but I figured I wanted to write a few thoughts on last Saturday's activities. More of a journal entry than analyzing and learning from it.

The chorus had a performance fairly early that morning and with how it worked out Carol and I both ended up being passengers in another person's car. I honestly am still afraid that she really is just putting up with me half the time and one of these times I'm going to push her away accidentally. So, during that time and the performances, I tried to be extra careful to not to be clingy or a stalker or whatever else I'm afraid of.

I think I managed it. Once, she came over and played at one of the demonstrations with me and we had a blast, but over all, we were around other people.

It was afterwards, though, as we were getting stuff out of the trunk and preparing to go home, that I let out that I really wished I could spend the day with her. Whether she noticed or had the thought herself, I don't know, but she soon invited me to come over to her place for a while. A chance I absolutely jumped at.

It was a day I won't soon forget.

Carol was nice enough to let me wear some of her outdoors clothes (we didn't stop off at my place and I was still in chorus costume) and we talked and laughed for a while while Emma changed. In fact, she even came out and complained that "you two laugh too much. It's gotta be bad for your health." At which, Carol and I could not stop laughing. It felt wonderful to just be around Carol and by the way she was acting, she liked being around me too.

The three of us went out to see the pile of leaves Carol had raked up, which as Carol had previously warned me, was not very big. When Emma saw it, she said, "Hmmm... So Mom. Am I allowed to jump in it?"

Carol nodded and looked at the two of us, saying, "Sure. But you'll have to fight Jen over it."

Emma and I looked at each other, daring the other to move and within moments, I dove into the pile right before she could manage it, throwing leaves at my opponent. Emma was shocked that I was competitive enough and fast enough to win, but Carol didn't seem surprised in the least. Within seconds we were having a war of leaves, throwing, chucking, stuffing down each others' shirts...the whole three-way free for all, with every bit of teaming up and backstabbing you'd expect. It was more fun than I'd had in about 6 years.

We raked leaves, did a few things, had lunch (yummy, cast-iron cooked quesadillas), and it was as Carol was burning a DVD of chorus stuff for me, that I commented, "Oh cool. You have Garage Band! I haven't played around with that program in quite a while."

She told me that she'd been meaning to play around with it and learn how to use it for a while now, to which I responded that then was as good as a time as any, considering she had an official music tech geek sitting right next to her.

So for the next while, we played. I don't think I was too much help except in pushing her to do it and hardware-wise knowing the only cord she needed to get and how to hook it up. But it was fun watching her learn and play. Then we listened to some of the stuff her nephew(I think?) writes, including a movie score. It was a lot of fun anyway, though I had this childish wish to show her that I could do that stuff too. Som part of me wanted her to be proud of me too, but I suppressed that and enjoyed listening to her talk about him.

We then went back outside and worked on landscaping (Emma had gone on a long bike ride when she saw Carol and I playing on a new program on the computer). Carol didn't have much hope of finishing the project, but I was enthusiastic (and accidentally once there a little too enthusiastic) and she really got into it too. Then Emma came home and kept coming outside to see us and then back inside and outside. Finally, she came over and asked, in a twelve-year-old fashion, if she could help too since we were having so much fun.

Carol and I laughed inwardly, but her help was much appreciated. The three of us worked steadily for a few hours and by the time it was time to head out, we had far surpassed Carol's original idea of what we could get done before the snow hit. (As a side note, she invited me to come and help out at her place in spring if I ever wanted to, to which I firmly agreed. It's mostly just that I really like spending time around Carol, but I do really enjoy physical work as well.)

It's hard to put into words the emotions of joy I felt that day. I guess... I guess I've always felt so alone, but when I'm with Carol, that's lifted. It's true that there's a lot we don't know about each other and in fact, we haven't known each other for all that long. But there's something there... maybe it's just friendship... that feels so good, it makes my life and who I am better, just by feeling it.

I wonder if she ever feels the same way or has felt this way before.

Illogical Happiness

It’s strange. And in a good way.

I guess I was given peace or perspective or something.

It feels as though I have all the reasons to be stressed. I’m running around like crazy and not quite sure I’m going to make it on a lot of accounts. I don’t get to sleep much and still there’s so much I can’t get done.

I should be panicking, but somehow, I’m not. I get it, though. I get the fact of what depends on these upcoming exams. And yet… I just feel at peace. I feel happy, though I’m not sure why.

There are a lot of things to be happy about. I’ve always had the gift of optimism, but nothing that has really changed since last week.

I just don’t get emotions, I guess. Somehow I think everything has to be in the realms of purely logical. Kind of funny when I don’t expect everything to be understood by the spirit or by the emotions. I need to look at that imbalance.

Still, for right now, I don’t mind the peace I’m receiving so freely and am perfectly content to indulge the urge to smile at the changing leaves while furiously fighting my workload.

Loneliness

Perhaps it's funny for me to say it, but I'm much better at problems that involve logic than those involving emotion. And this emotional problem kinda has me stumped.

Growing up I didn't generally care much for companionship. I honestly was quite content to spend hours on end listening to music, solving puzzles, thinking, and reading. But I guess somewhere...rather recently... that's changed.

As funny as it is, I am discovering a new emotion for me. Not just loneliness since I have had cause to miss people when we've been separated by location or otherwise. Those times, I missed that specific person so much, it hurt. And the closer I get to certain people, the harder the time apart is.

But this time isn't quite like that. This time... I guess I wish anyone was here. This time I don't just miss someone, I am quite simply lonely for human contact in general.

It's difficult because I'm not quite sure what I need or why I feel this way. As stated, this is a new experience.

It helped a little to listen to a friend on the phone, but as soon as we hung up, the loneliness was there again. And same thing with my roommate. I liked listening to her, but then when I was alone, I felt hungry for interaction once more.

Why do I feel this way now? I mean, I know I'm not ever really alone, so why do I long for another voice?

Ink and Erasers

Just had an "ah-hah" moment with the violin similar to one I had with drawing.

You see, a violin mute is like an eraser. Your mistakes aren't quite so jarring to the senses when you are playing with the mute on or when you are drawing in pencil. It gives you some degree of fixability if you mess up at least until you are more confident.

But with drawing, I had one wise teacher that told me it was great for me to draw in pencil while I was in that stage before I knew how to really draw. But then he suggested that if I really wanted to improve, I should start using pen or ink and quill.

I was hesitant, but he had known just what to say, because, golly...I really wanted to improve and learn. So after a bit, I tried it.

At first it was okay. I first tried to go slower and not mess up at all to compensate for the lack of eraser. But no matter how hard I tried, I would always, at some point, make a mistake. Still, since I went slow and was careful, it was all right.

But then, as I wanted to do and learn more, it became harder. You see, you can't start something new without mistakes and now my power to erase was gone. That was the really hard time. I switched back to pencil and then pen and then pencil. Not wanting my mistakes in ink, but still able to feel that having that eraser there was a crutch to my progress. And not a crutch I needed anymore.

Finally, I got frustrated and started to go quickly in ink, not looking at my mistakes, but simply pressing forward by instinct alone. Ironically, it was just the lesson I was supposed to learn, the one I learned right after that roughest of patches.

And that was I needed to see my mistakes to learn from them because only by learning from them would I be able to expand onto greater things. And also, I needed to see my mistakes to know them and be comfortable with them because that was the only way I was able to accept the art that was coming from inside me instead of the art I wanted to come from inside me.

With the violin, it was the same. I used the mute, but my progress was stagnating. So, I took it off and had the worst and best practice I've had yet.

Now if I could only apply this to life more than I am. I feel there's a lesson there that I haven't quite gotten yet.

Closeness

I think it is time for me to start thinking on something I have taken for granted.

It's wonderful. That feeling you have when you want to be close to someone. Wonderful to be near and terrible to be away.

What makes that happen? Why is it that someone who I am close to only has to say my name or look at me to make my heart backflip into my stomach? Why is it that every critisism from anyone else does not strike me, yet theirs stabs straight to the core.

Why is it when I'm with this person, everything seems new and wonderful and exciting? As if I were a young child once more? And why, when they leave can I not seem to bear it?

And yet, I am who I am. I hold them to the highest standards as I do myself. And usually, they make it with flying colors. But why do I test them? Why do I question the feelings that are so obviously there?

If I wish to live in a world of logic, why is it that logic cannot satisfy this hunger? Why is it that I drop everything to hear them or be with them.

It doesn't make sense if I really am more intellectual than emotional. Yet, I do it every time.

Is this love? Is this friendship? Is there a difference past a certain point?

How is it I go on a hike to get answers and end up mostly basking in the person's voice. Soaking it in as if I can hear them when I'm lonely if this time I listen hard enough...

How is it that my mind points one way and my heart the other? Yet, I can't move forward. I can't seem to ignore that part, no matter how I try. And I know as soon as we meet again, I will melt. What good do my logic and ethics do me then?

Which am I to follow?

Warriors of Prayer

Tonight, I went to a concert by David Harsh at the E-Free church.

And I had a wonderful "ah-hah" moment there that I needed right then.

Here's the song that did it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7h6X0SRmyxo&feature=related

And I realized that I had been tricked into thinking I was immune. "I am good. I know how to avoid really bad things. I'll be fine on my own. I don't have to worry about the adversary."

And with those thoughts, he crept back in to my life. I didn't realize it until tonight. Until I was freed from that weight, I didn't realize what I was carrying.

Now I understand the war. And I don't intend to stop fighting this time. Ever.

Symphony

Plays, concerts, movies, dance nights, dinners... you name it and it's going on all over Bozeman. Sometimes it's quite a challenge just do decide what to choose to go to.

Well, last night I volunteered for the Bozeman Symphony as an usher. You get to see people, dressed up and starry-eyed, excited to enjoy a wonderful fine art and a night displaying the talented musicians and what can be done when an orchestra works together.

I, myself, was blown away by what they did. Eyes opened or closed, I was in another world entirely. A world of music, of light and flashes of silver, bronze, and white. It's hard to explain, but when the music is that good, it feels like I can really think. Like my mind opens up and at the same time, nothing can distract me. A feeling I don't really get elsewhere.

It was while I was thinking during the last piece, that an analogy came to me. I felt the strong urge to be one of the performers up there. Not for glory or money (hah!) but simply to be part of making something so... beautiful, majestic...heavenly, I suppose. I wanted to be a part of it, so badly, that I began asking myself, "How would I go about that?"

Of course, you would ask the director.

And that's where the analogy started. I realized then that the conductor is the one who tells each person to come in, back off, grow louder... everything really. And this director was also the judge of whether or not each part was played in accordance with his plan. Also, he was the one who planned it because at this particular performance, they were playing some songs he wrote.

I imagined God in that place and each instrument section as a religion. Each had their part to play in the grand sound, and each was "worshipping" in the capacity which they could be the best they could be.

But everyone was playing for the same team. Sure, until they came together, they won't know what sound the director had already envisioned, but they played with faith. And the result was magnificent.

I wanted to be up there too. So, what instrument does he want me to play? I sent out to the air. What do I play?

But as long as I trust the director, I can live with not knowing until I'm already playing. It was just learning to humble myself enough to play with the rest of the orchestra.

Unassuming

I was excited. This last hike with my friend something came up that I had wanted to bring up, but couldn't find the words before.

I had wanted to thank her. Not just for answering my questions, but also for a quality that I was finding was far more rare than I had given credit at first.

It was as we were walking back down the hills that she mentioned, "I have tried really hard to not assume. When I heard you were LDS, I, of course, had heard generally what they believed, but I tried really hard to not bring that in. Instead I always tried to ask you what they believed."

This was just the thing I had been trying to get into words. That quality that makes it much harder to be ignorant. I had even tried the day before to explain to someone else why I didn't like what they were doing when it was along those lines.

Basically, as I put it to my friend on the hike, "They had some things right and some things wrong, so I'm thinking, 'Look. I don't care if you don't agree with the religion; I just want you to be accurate about what you're disagreeing with!' " She found it amusing, but it was the truth. I wished that more people were like my friend and would consciously ask before assuming. There'd be a lot less hate in the world.

Grace

I just barely got the concept or implications of this today and it's blowing me away. In some intellectual part of my mind, there was an understanding of the Atonement... but now I see that I had missed the main point of it all.

I didn't get that the only way is through Christ. I didn't understand that not only is this plan important, it's vital. That the only way to escape eternal death is through Christ.

It's the knowing Him and believing in him that gets us across. Before I thought He'd catch me when I fall, but that is only the most vague impression of this concept. Like a mirror representing a lake or a picture representing a lifetime of memories. I finally understand the immensity of my misconception. The concept of grace is about enough to blow my mind. And at the same time, its so simple. The only way to God is through Him. Its that simple.

But at the same time, I see that I am unworthy. Here I was amazed that he'd catch my falls, but now I see that without him, even a mistake could be the sin that rewards death. Even the ones that I had no idea about...and then add in the things that I do...and knowingly even. I can hardly take it in.

And He didn't deserve it. Its such a great gift that I hesitate to accept it, except that's what He wants. It is a gift that can only be realized in its acceptance.

You know what. I must have the coolest brother ever. ;~)

Trust

Really good question. Really good answer. Proverbs 3:5-6

Application. Well, that's the part I struggle with.

To be a good friend, you need to learn honor the person's requests.

To be a best friend, you need to learn when to blatantly ignore what they're saying and do what's really best for them.

Courtyard Music

Another small prayer answered.

This evening I was sprawled on the bed, lacking any real motivation to do anything beyond throw myself a little pity party. It's not a usual occurrence for me, this "seeing the dark in every picture" deal. And during this time, the Holy Ghost was whispering, "listen to some music. Listen to music. It's what you need to be strong again." I knew it was right with some intuitive part of my spirit, yet, I ignored it. It was far too much effort to reach over and turn on the music. "Why not just lie here in your misery,"another voice whispered, and being in the state I was, I did not recognize the voice of the adversary for what it was. I heeded the second voice.

Yet in my heart, I still cried out. Some part of me wanted to break free and see the light and love of the world again.

And He heard.

Not even a few minutes later, I heard some noise coming from my window. At first, I turned away and tried to ignore it, for often there are loud partiers in the courtyard. But something in me woke up and I turned back around to hear. The noise was quiet, but there was something about it that lightened my heart. As the spell was unraveled, I woke from my dreary non-rest and heard the very song the Holy Ghost had asked me to listen to earlier.

Someone, I don't know who, was playing the guitar and singing in the courtyard. How she knew what song to play, I'm not sure. But that my prayer was answered despite my own weakness...that I am sure about.

I was sitting up by the end of the song and she had gone by the time I was up. Made me think He had sent an angel to sing, just for me in that one moment. And for that I am grateful.

If I Fall...

I just barely got something tonight!

It's one of the things I've been struggling with and something someone said tonight clicked and made this sort out in my mind.

There's supposed to be a balance here and I wasn't sure I was liking the answers I was being told. The balance between trusting in the Lord and enduring to the end on my own.

On the one side, you have the person (like me often) that wants to make it on their own power, wants to try their best and not ask for help. And on the other side, you have the person that sits back on their haunches and says, "God will take care of it. If it's His will, it'll be done."

Both have their good sides, but I didn't like either. Tonight though, someone said, "If I fall, He is there to catch me." It was a small side note on the general topic, but it hit me hard due to one of the other lessons I had just learned not terribly long ago.

There was that time I wrote about on here where I blacked out and was therefore forced to be weak in front of others. And that night I learned the valuable lesson that if I fell, they really would catch me...a thought that had not occurred to me before that time.

So, tonight it really hit.

"If I fall, He is there to catch me."

If I was so amazed at the fact that my friends would catch me from a physical fall, then how much greater was it to realize that there was someone there to catch me from my spiritual falls?

And in turn that answered my balance question. Because it is right to try your hardest, to swim as far as possible, to test your limits and grow... but then in the end, comes the change I need to make. When I fall and fail, because I will, then I know that is where grace begins and humility is the key.

Guess that was one of the blessings with this sickness. How else would I have really understood what it meant to have someone who would catch me?

"Remarkable Creatures"

Just finished another book. It wasn't at all what I expected, but not really bad either and a book that leaves me lost in thought is always a good find.

The basic idea was of opening up your mind and being persistent through all your trials, but those aren't the things I really took from it.

It was the relationship between the two main characters of the book that I was lost in. And for those who know me, you'll understand why when I explain that it was a close friendship between and older woman and a younger woman. Not romantic (just to clarify), but nonetheless frowned upon by the little community they lived in.

There were things in there, such as the way that they'd go to the beach together to search for curies that made me relive my own memories of working with my own friendship.

They would both go out, but search for the curies as individuals, reveling in the closeness and friendship that they had without giving words to it or losing any of their own independence in the process.

I liked that. It was the sort of balance that gets glazed over. The sort of balance I hadn't experienced until about six months ago.

The two often were at ends. And to be honest, the elder was waiting for the younger one to grow up (something I wish to avoid putting my friend through) for a good portion of the book. But it was a little like looking at myself through a skewed mirror. And I learned a lot from that experience.

"Thy Will Be Done"

There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'

--C.S. Lewis

I'm learning, finally really learning this lesson. "Thy will be done..." It's easy to say during the easy times. Like if you are well off and a friend asks for money, there's not too much to that.

It when you don't have a place to live, don't have a job, and then are asked to give up what you do have in order to help someone else...

But I'm finally getting it. Truly understanding that there's a greater purpose in it all. And when I'm lucky and paying attention, Heavenly Father even shows me the lessons I'm learning as it goes along.

It's a trust thing. And it finally hit me that I really CAN trust him. He wants the best for me and at least for now, I understand that everything that happens in between now and when we meet is going towards that goal.

It's not as though I've quit trying at all, but now I can feel when I'm supposed to stop or to try harder or to give in on my own wants.

I guess I haven;t lost my will... just gained a little faith.

Getting Answers

I found out a lot today. Enough that, sure enough, my head is spinning with it all.

Basically, I asked my closest friend here, if she wouldn't mind answering some of my religious questions if she could. She agreed and we planned on going on a hike this morning to discuss it.

I'm glad I asked. I needed to talk to someone about it. And she definitely knew the things I needed to know. Heh, and they weren't easy questions either.

I asked questions about how all the different religions came to be, what their differences were, the concept of the trinity/Godhead, gifts of the Spirit, what the priesthood is, what repentance is, etc.

There are things that are no problem for me to understand and things that I've never had a hard time in believing in...but I guess hearing all of this helped at the same time it made things harder. Kinda like taking a test that covers all you know on a subject: The test is a lot easier the less you know, but at the same time, many of the questions are interconnected. So, sometimes if you learn just enough there's an "ah-hah" moment which covers half the material.

I still have a little bit until that time, but I don't feel quite so lost now. I feel that so much is right and the stuff I'm not getting direct direction for are things that I've got to figure out conceptually. Now, there is a fire...no, not a fire... mine feels more like a plant.

A plant that I placed in the dark, or put something over and it was wilting, close to death. But now the cover is gone and I can feel it growing. I feel some of the branches need pruned and my stem needs straightening, but I'm finally growing once more towards the light.

And that's the most important part.

Questioning

I guess it's really time.

So many things have been changing so fast...it's rather difficult to keep up sometimes. I'm changing much of what I believe and reaffirming what I still might maintain.

Religion, relationships, goals....they're all being questioned once more.

But the answers I am finding appear to be more of the right ones. I'm passing tests I never thought I could before now. Though my feet hesitate for now, my steps are becoming firm once more.

Some things do not change. I still often feel like a dog among herd animals and wild animals. Not quite fitting into either, simply running around, sniffing through the undergrowth and barking at the sky. I still do not understand the grouping instinct in the same matter as it seems most of my peers do. Many seem to understand that it is safer, more secure, and more pleasant to be part of a group and on the other hand many like the idea of standing out, of being the anti-crowd member. Yet, to be honest, I don't quite get either and I'm starting to thing I'm not really supposed to. It's a painful and embarrassing process, but I'm learning how to acknowledge the way I function naturally as well as I can.

...I just feel so lost much of the time...and I don't know what I can trust. I'm afraid of running in the wrong direction...a fear I believe is valid.

Well, it will be what it will be, as Katrina always tries to remind/convince me.

Classmates

Today, there was another guy in my digital music class that said exactly what I was thinking.

You see, the class is so hard to get into and so hard to stay in, that those who make it are the geeky cream on top of the milky student pile (or the sediment at the bottom...either way separated by polarity of some sort).

It's hard to explain. Maybe because we had to go through so many tests just to make it, we're all so focused on our goal that the class goes very fast. And not only that, but we seem to be on the same track, since every question that has been asked by a fellow student has been one that I wanted to ask and I think it goes the same the other way.

The thing the guy said, though, was, "Man! W00t! This class geeks me up! I feel like an ultra geek like never before!" And after a few digivolving references from the class, I responded, "Yeah. It's kinda refreshing to know that there are this many of us out there, you know?" To which the whole class nodded agreement.

Then today (after my geek-o-meter was maxed out by that class) I went to my easy Physics class and finally had the nerve to sit in a spot not specifically isolated as humanly possible in a student body that size. A girl named Heather sat next to me and as amusing as it is, within a minute I was giving her a tutoring session.

And kinda surprisingly to me, she really seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. We were both early, so it was about 10 minutes in which I helped her understand the first three chapters. Man, I had forgotten what it felt like to teach... and to be accepted in a social setting. It felt really nice.

Moving Again

It has come to the point that logic must overcome stubborn instincts of stability.

When I first moved into the Olive house, there were only two problems. And those were the facts that it takes a day for the bathroom sink to drain and we can't lock our front door.

But just a few days ago, I had to admit that now, the problems have overrun the profits.

It started with our downstairs neighbors, who get arrested or fined regularly for drugs, sexual assaults, and most especially noise. You see, that's a problem since I've gotta practice music for school and have to sleep for functionality, but can't since they party too loud and at every hour of the day and night. And if one complains about it, they turn it down for one or two songs and then it's back to the foot massage. Also a problem because since we can't lock our door, stuff gets stolen from the fridge and guests barge into our house drunk. Still, we can handle it somewhat.

Next came the sinks. Long story short, the kitchen one and bathroom one don't work at all and our land lord said, "Ugh. I'm tired of this. Just Drano it every day if you want to use it." Been doing dishes in a bucket and pouring the water down the sink, since the tub's half clogged too.

Then our landlord gave us two days notice before raising the rent $50 each. Not legal. And not right, since he will not do the stuff in his contract. (We're still waiting for a window to replace the hole in the stairwell so that hail doesn't bounce in the house every time.)

Amy, Michael and I are moving out here soon. Not together, since they are looking into buying a house. I just found a place that sounds good. Not the sort of place that I'd call permanent, but definitely a better fit than the others I've found.

It's really kinda nice to move, though. Gives me extra incentive to get rid of stuff I don't need. Which though I don't packrat, I still manage to find something that I can get rid of.

Growth

I can't quite articulate the joy that filled my heart to see the first pea stem and leaf pop out from over the lid of the bottle. It's little things like that that keep me going sometimes.

As for an update on the garden: The roma tomatoes are doing great. All but one plant have at least five green tomatoes on them. Whatever the other apartment planted was planted to late. Their tomatoes just barely got blossoms and we're already getting close to winter. Inside I've got two kinds of ivy, a shamrock, and two pea plants going. The sage got hit by bugs and hail, but the basil has sprouted up. Oh, and the two trees are doing great.

And I saw some late blooming lettuce in the garden, so here soon I'll be getting another batch. (Yay! More salad!)

This morning I also looked into my own personal growth. I've been trying to get my friend to read a set of books that I loved for a very long time now and she just barely started doing it.

One of the main things that hit her, as it hit me, was there is a character named Finbar that personality-wise appeared and appears identical to me.

Since she has been asking so many questions about the books, I've had to look up bits and pieces. Which turned out to be fun, since it was like seeing my growth from a few years ago. I sure have grown...and yet, I've stayed the same. There are some things, that even though I've learned to be socially acceptable and talk proper (well, when I need to anyway), I still have not wavered on things such as my crazy code of honesty and my stillness. My need to help others is still a trial and I seem to never tire of spiritual growth in myself and others.

It was like being able to really look at myself from outside eyes and see how they see me. How Jo-Anne sees me as well. Which I think I needed right now. Guess I've been to focused on myself lately and how I see others. It's good to shake it up every once in a while.

Back at School

The first day back after so long was actually a bit overwhelming.

I'd forgotten how loud and busy campus life always is. My classmates probably have the idea that I'm a hermit or at least a loner. Might be right, but I really just was trying to get away from the noise.

As for the classes, just looking at the syllabus I know most of them will be rather hard. And the part that makes them more so is I want to be either the top of the class or in the top 10%. Otherwise it probably would not be too hard.

It seems as though this entire year is really a "pre" year. I'm retaking some classes that I could have done better in so that next year I can be in the Honors Physics program and with Music Tech, first year is the gate preparation year.

That was one *gulp* moment yesterday....

It really hit me that with Music Tech, the situation is as follows:

People on the waiting list to get into the intro class: 150+

People who get into the intro class (over the year): ~80

Spots available for second year: 16

Three people did not make it the first class period and all of the people on that waiting list have had to pass several tests just to be on there. And it looks like our class is going to have another test this week to weed more people out.

So there's a 1/5 or so chance for me to make it past the gate. Right now, I'm pretty confident I can do it, since one of the major qualities that you need in this field is software adaptability. And that I definitely have. Also I'm no pushover on the musical arena either.

Man, I'm really starting to appreciate the fact that my second major does not have a gate. ;)

"Come What May"

Hahaha!

Well, I did it. I said that I was going to clean the house, "Come What May."

Note that these are very dangerous words to be used in most situations.

I started my cleaning rampage by doing the garbage, most of which ended up on the floor from the possibly preventable hole caused by forcing too much stuff inside to bag. But it got done (and the floor got mopped while I was at it).

Then I moved on to the dishes, gathering up all of my roommates three loads worth, as well as my own three dishes (if you count the spoon). I started the water and found that the sink was clogged. Tried plunging one side, but the wet rag on the other end didn't hold. But everyone needs a scummy, green washcloth in the face sometimes, right? Either way, the plunger didn't work.

So I tried unscrewing the thing. Didn't have pliers, but eventually did it bare-handed. Unfortunately the bucket I had underneath was 1. not big enough to hold more than half the water and 2. not sturdy enough to stay standing when all of the water gushed out onto the floor and my once white shirt. All said and done, though, it didn't work.

So, I decided to do the dishes in the bathroom sink. Basically reread the previous two paragraphs, except change the bowl and increase the amount of water and scum.

So, I decided to do the dishes in the bathtub, starting out by turning the water on, shrieking and proceeding to turn the shower head off. (But it got rid of some of the scum.)

Got a call while I was leaning over the side of the tub, water running, and scrubbing vigorously with the soapy sponge. I'm sure you can just imagine me trying to wipe off one hand and turn off the water with the other and try to keep up a good conversation while trying to keep sink scum from getting on the phone. Haha.

So, by this point, I decided to take a picture. Good thing too. That was only the dishes adventure...laundry just about did me in!

Tests in Patience

You know, one of these times I'll truly get the connection between praying for help in a particular quality and the trials that are bound to come in answer to that prayer.

So far I've tried this on a lot of different desired attributes, and I had concluded that the two most dangerous ones were "strength" and "faith." But after asking for "more patience"...I've gotta say, it's right up there too.

Strange as it is for me to admit it, one of the hardest parts of this trial has been my own emotional state. Stress, I'm really getting used to. Busy beyond belief is regular too. But having a close friend and having them out of reach for the really tough times...that's a trial in and of itself.

It's hard to explain, but I guess since I went without having a friend like this for so long, I didn't realize how hard it was. Like when I've had a hard day. I perk up because I have a friend that will understand and listen if I really need to talk (and often has the answers I need to hear). So, the skip comes into my step and I start to smile only to realize that I'm actually on my own. It shouldn't be how I feel, since mentally I know that I'm never truly alone; but it is.

On the plus side, I think I passed a few of my tests in patience (not all of them, but golly, that sort of endurance will take a while to build up). Like the one where I received a nasty note for doing something that person always asks me to do. It was in the morning when I found it and I took a lot of time to draft a reply and treat the person as if they were the ones that needed comforting. After I was done, I got that warm feeling of "well done." And afterwards I found out that they did in fact need comforted. It's kinda scary to think what would have happened had I pushed the other way and responded angrily.

Once I recover from this past week, I'll probably pray again for patience...Gee, for being a quick learner, I sometimes do things very much to the contrary.

Winter Garden

Finally have a portable, readily available source of winter cheer.

I was cleaning up our stairwell area and decorating the shelf thing that sits in the corner. If you know me, it's not too surprising to hear that some of the first things out there were plants. Hanging plants, green plants, brown plants, you name it.

Then I put out a picture and a cool little champagne bottle I have for decoration, yet it didn't quite fit the pattern. I rearranged things, but I kept wanting something more...useful, I suppose. Grabbing some dirt and 2 snow pea seeds, I made the bottle into a planter.

I wasn't quite sure about it, but sure enough the peas are sprouting and will be coming up over the top here soon. So, today, I'm sure you can guess what I did if you know the fact that my roommates drink a lot. That's right...I'm beginning to hoard beer bottles.

A few seeds from now, I'm going to do some tomatoes, basil, and possibly peppers.

That should help when we're deep within both the few feet of snow usually found in Montana winters and also finals. Something flourishing will hopefully help in some way. (I'll guess I'll find out when I pass with flying colors, right? ;)

Excited for School

Just one week left!!

It's been a full year of gaining residency (which meant no school, so I could save up money) and now I'm finally going back. It's wonderful! I've been really looking forward to this.

Not to mention, I'm actually really excited to be a Montanan. It's strange, since I haven't felt much loyalty to a place or school before now and here I am... Wearing MSU sweats, getting ready to work out at the gym and planning on going to the first game I get the chance to.

One important thing I discovered during this time, though, was the fact that I wish to "learn all of my life." It really hit me how hard it was to take a year off and I believe that that's going to stay with me for a long time.

Not everyone wishes it, but I sure do. Even if I get a career, I think in my actions at least, I will always be "going to school."

Light versus Shadow

There is a constant debate, a consistent struggle of proverbial wills if you will, between two basic ideas.

I was reading a book recently that had a bit of dialog that really hit me and made me tink about this struggle once more.

The Terstan frowned. “The [disease] is caused by our own choosing.”

“Who would choose such a thing?”

“Those who pretend it doesn’t exist. Those who receive the gift, then turn away from it to follow their own path.”

“But why would anyone, once they had the Light, refuse it if it really is good?”

“Because even when we have the Light, we still carry the Shadow. And the Shadow will always strain against the Light. When we let the Shadow have sway over us, when we indulge its desires and delusions consistently, ignoring the Light, refusing its entreaties—that’s what eventually causes the madness.”

I realized that whether I acknowledge it consciously, there is a war going on for my soul, for every soul for that matter.

That says books worth for our self worth. Think about it. The most powerful beings in existence would love to have each and every person on their side and are constantly trying to make it that way.

And even cooler yet, is the fact that they can't make us. Agency make it so that choice is based off of belief, so the result is all our own.

Pretty amazing.

Indeed a Friend

I've been reading "The Soloist," and a particular sentence jumped out at me that hasn't before now.

"If a friend is someone who inspires, who challenges, who sends you in search of some truer sense of yourself, then [he] is indeed a friend."

I guess I didn't have a friend like that when I first read this passage. But when I read that quote this time, there was a deep understanding of what he meant.

There are times I wish that my friend did not challenge me like she does and sometimes I'd almost rather take an easier road. Yet, when its all said and done, I find myself knowing more of myself. I find it easier to ask myself the hard questions. And whenever I feel down at all, even if its just a wavering of hope, she is always there in my mind as inspiration.

"Root" 66

I always forget how wonderful it is.

Yesterday morning, I decided that no matter what, that garden was going to get some real weeding work done. And despite everything, it happened. (won't go into details, but I ended up digging in the pouring rain with only the aid of a broken wooden spoon. Quite an amusing sight, really.)

I've become addicted all over again. The feel of the dirt on my hands, the following day's soreness of "real" work, the smell of freshly dug roots, getting to watch things grow, and most of all, the fun surprises of wild plants I find and cultivate.

It does amazing things for the mind too. Like instead of just weeding the garden, I am weeding my brain as well. Things just don't seem to bother me as much and I feel as though I can focus.

Mom says her father was exactly the same way and none of the family quite understood him either.

It's hard work, but spiritual in some way I can't quite describe. Kind of in the same way as when you go hiking to the top of a mountain or when you hear a symphony... as if a little part of you gets closer to God just by being there.

What I Said

There was something that I wrote in an e-mail to a friend not too long ago.

I didn't really think about it until she brought it up and then I realized how interesting the growth pattern was.

I had been writing to her about how I'd been dealing with my fainting spells and said the following paragraph:

When it started happening at first, I was really afraid and had the instinct to "hole up" in my room.

But then I took over and decided when it happens I'll hide, but otherwise I'll keep going.

And now I'm transitioning to the attitude that I don't even need to hide, just keep living and be smart about it where I can.

She brought it up and I realized that that attitude isn't so bad for most trials in life. You've gotta get a little scared to get smart, but then you've got to keep going. And some day, you really have to take the wisdom learned from the fear as well as the will to endure and put them together with who you want to be.

Learning about Weakness

Something happened yesterday.

At first I thought it was a bad thing; I had gone to such lengths to avoid it. But now I am thinking that I needed this to happen after all.

Last night, I felt one of my dizzy spells come on and it was in the middle of a song at chorus. I tried to make it through the song (still not sure if I did or didn't) and then planned to slip away to the bathroom or something before anything happened so that no one would know.

But it didn't work. I fell backwards right where I stood.

I don't remember a whole lot from that time. But I do remember falling and more importantly, I remember someone (or some people) catching me before I hit the risers. Someone told me what to do, someone held my hand, someone asked me what I needed and so on. And even as I was embarrassed to be there and be in my situation, I recognized the concern and willingness to help from those around me.

It was only by looking back on what happened, that I learned. And boy, did I learn a lot of things that I really needed to know.

You see, I almost always have my focus upon being strong. So strong that I do not let down and actually had unintentionally gotten into the mindset that I could not let down. It was almost as if I believed my strength was why people liked me. I mean, sure, it's a good quality and one I intend to keep developing, but my focus on it was misplaced.

I guess the most important lesson was simple: I am allowed to fall and if I do, someone might actually be there to catch me.

And you know. I don't know any other way I could have really learned that particular lesson. Also, it feels good. I've never been weak before like this. I always assumed that I was the one who was always strong for everyone else and that it would always be that way.

But for a little bit my world was turned upside down. And it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Memories

It's been four years now, almost exactly, since one of my close friends died.

Sunday morning, I read over the journal entry I had of the experience and did a lot of thinking. It showed me a lot about myself and my friend that, at the time, I could not see through my grief.

After Mary Ellen died, there was a period there where I "lost myself." I could not seem to do the same things I had done before or at least couldn't manage to do anything the way I had used to.

As bad of a time as that was, I can look back now and see what that forced me to do and see that it was a good thing. When she died, I had to let go of preconceptions and habitual actions. From that moment on, I had to have meaning in everything I did, or it wasn't worth doing. That included things like negative comments and how I saw myself and others.

I also was forced to step up. To become an active player in my life. Once I saw how one of my teachers could be taken away, I was determined to learn everything I could while I could. And that's something I've just kept doing.

It makes me wonder how many bad things in life are really bad things, you know.

Meditative Exercises

Something clicked earlier today about the practice of Yoga.

I finally understood that Yoga one time or even a few times does little to no good because the real merit of Yoga lies not in the stretching or exercise.

The point lies in focusing your mind through a deep level connection (subconscious) with your body and its movements.

Once I really understood that, I applied the knowledge in an amusing way, at least to me. At work, I am at the point where I need to focus on my body very little and use the time to freely wander through what ever paths of my mind I wish to take.

So as I made beds and cleaned bathrooms, I focused my mind differently, uniting it with the body and I immediately felt peace and freeness of spirit.

Who ever knew housekeeping could become its own religion? ^_^

Mind of a Warrior

Here was an interesting one that I really liked.

It was talking about how the mind in meditation was just like that of a warrior in battle. And I don't know how many of you have ever done sword fighting or martial arts sparring or anything, but what this was saying made perfect sense to me since I have done both.

When you are about to fight or are fighting, you are not deaf, you are not blind. You see and note every little thing going on around you and in your enemy, but the real key to fighting is not letting that distract you in the slightest. You still need to know what is happening, but your mind takes in your surroundings and only brings the necessary information into your frontal awareness.

It's a really cool feeling and I realized that those really good meditations, that's what happens. I can be sitting there, fully aware of the conversations around me, the cars outside, the way my skin prickles in the cold. It's not that it doesn't matter, because it all does, but I don't let it distract me in the slightest from my thoughts.

I have never made that connection before now, but thinking about it, they are the same feeling. Strange.

Mind and Body

An interesting thought today that I have somehow missed in all of my musings.

I was reading on the history of physics and philosophy and ran into something intriguing. it was talking about how there was a division once that had to be made between the mind and body, a transition to where the mind was thought of as controlling the body.

But if you follow that backwards, then people before that time believed that mind and body were equal.

it's strange for me to think of now. That might point to a balance issue, but I always just assumed that the mind was far more important than the body. I mean I have taken care of my body with the primary reason to preserve my mind.

And not only that, but I have always heard so much about transcending beyond mortal needs as if it is this heavenly goal.

But what if that is not right? What if they are equal?

That would change how I look at things for sure.

Freeing Mindset

Isn’t it amazing how the same things can be done with a different mindset and everything changes?

All I thought was, “Today, I am going to do everything I can to be closer to the person I want to become,” and poof, it was as if everything was different.

I am free today. Free and required to do what I want to do. And I’m finding that what I want to do ends up correlating oh so nicely with my future goals.

For example, I want to strengthen my spirit and body. So, I went on a long walk, seeing the leaves drifting down, spinning and catching the morning light. I listened to the bird song and raced a few dogs through the park.

I want to become more intelligent, always. There’s always so much I want to learn. So, big surprise I spent some time at the library and I must say, I fully enjoyed myself, The Tao of Physics being just one of my interesting finds.

I want to become emotionally stronger and hope to do the same for others, so my best friend, Jo-Anne, and I are scheduled for a Philosophical debate today.

Life is so amazing. I tried to love every moment of it and you know, I think every bit of amazement and love for the world I sent out, got sent right back. I keep having the hardest time not smiling at everything.