The chorus had a performance fairly early that morning and with how it worked out Carol and I both ended up being passengers in another person's car. I honestly am still afraid that she really is just putting up with me half the time and one of these times I'm going to push her away accidentally. So, during that time and the performances, I tried to be extra careful to not to be clingy or a stalker or whatever else I'm afraid of.
I think I managed it. Once, she came over and played at one of the demonstrations with me and we had a blast, but over all, we were around other people.
It was afterwards, though, as we were getting stuff out of the trunk and preparing to go home, that I let out that I really wished I could spend the day with her. Whether she noticed or had the thought herself, I don't know, but she soon invited me to come over to her place for a while. A chance I absolutely jumped at.
It was a day I won't soon forget.
Carol was nice enough to let me wear some of her outdoors clothes (we didn't stop off at my place and I was still in chorus costume) and we talked and laughed for a while while Emma changed. In fact, she even came out and complained that "you two laugh too much. It's gotta be bad for your health." At which, Carol and I could not stop laughing. It felt wonderful to just be around Carol and by the way she was acting, she liked being around me too.
The three of us went out to see the pile of leaves Carol had raked up, which as Carol had previously warned me, was not very big. When Emma saw it, she said, "Hmmm... So Mom. Am I allowed to jump in it?"
Carol nodded and looked at the two of us, saying, "Sure. But you'll have to fight Jen over it."
Emma and I looked at each other, daring the other to move and within moments, I dove into the pile right before she could manage it, throwing leaves at my opponent. Emma was shocked that I was competitive enough and fast enough to win, but Carol didn't seem surprised in the least. Within seconds we were having a war of leaves, throwing, chucking, stuffing down each others' shirts...the whole three-way free for all, with every bit of teaming up and backstabbing you'd expect. It was more fun than I'd had in about 6 years.
We raked leaves, did a few things, had lunch (yummy, cast-iron cooked quesadillas), and it was as Carol was burning a DVD of chorus stuff for me, that I commented, "Oh cool. You have Garage Band! I haven't played around with that program in quite a while."
She told me that she'd been meaning to play around with it and learn how to use it for a while now, to which I responded that then was as good as a time as any, considering she had an official music tech geek sitting right next to her.
So for the next while, we played. I don't think I was too much help except in pushing her to do it and hardware-wise knowing the only cord she needed to get and how to hook it up. But it was fun watching her learn and play. Then we listened to some of the stuff her nephew(I think?) writes, including a movie score. It was a lot of fun anyway, though I had this childish wish to show her that I could do that stuff too. Som part of me wanted her to be proud of me too, but I suppressed that and enjoyed listening to her talk about him.
We then went back outside and worked on landscaping (Emma had gone on a long bike ride when she saw Carol and I playing on a new program on the computer). Carol didn't have much hope of finishing the project, but I was enthusiastic (and accidentally once there a little too enthusiastic) and she really got into it too. Then Emma came home and kept coming outside to see us and then back inside and outside. Finally, she came over and asked, in a twelve-year-old fashion, if she could help too since we were having so much fun.
Carol and I laughed inwardly, but her help was much appreciated. The three of us worked steadily for a few hours and by the time it was time to head out, we had far surpassed Carol's original idea of what we could get done before the snow hit. (As a side note, she invited me to come and help out at her place in spring if I ever wanted to, to which I firmly agreed. It's mostly just that I really like spending time around Carol, but I do really enjoy physical work as well.)
It's hard to put into words the emotions of joy I felt that day. I guess... I guess I've always felt so alone, but when I'm with Carol, that's lifted. It's true that there's a lot we don't know about each other and in fact, we haven't known each other for all that long. But there's something there... maybe it's just friendship... that feels so good, it makes my life and who I am better, just by feeling it.
I wonder if she ever feels the same way or has felt this way before.
