Blessed

My heart has been overflowing with gratitude these past few days, but this morning it hit me especially hard.

First of all, there's walking. I've gotten the chance to relearn what it's like to wobble around on your own. Do you realize how utterly wonderful it is to take that first step? And then another and another! It's really, really amazing! This is a joy I'm glad to have experienced, even knowing the cost.

Then, this morning I realized I'd be seeing an old friend here tomorrow. I remembered back to who I was when she saw me in April. ...how different I was! During the following few months, I felt like I was on an accelerated spiritual learning track. And then I got hit and I found out that that acceleration could speed up. It was amazing how much I could learn in a very short amount of time about life, love, suffering, and humility. I feel so grateful that I was allowed to learn all of that. He really answered my prayer when I asked to follow Him and become more like Him.

And as I was singing that morning, it hit me what happened almost exactly a year ago during a similar singing time. Back last December, I was praying to know God's will for me and He answered it by letting me feel Him there with me. It's an indescribable experience that I've had twice in one year, that being the first time.
That's when I truly understood how good He is and how unmatched His love. I understood the Atonement better than I had (that one nearly blew me away) and I knew that it was a priceless gift I was totally unworthy of.

At that point, my heart felt like it would burst with thankfulness.
I've been so blessed!

"Christmas From the Heart"

Well, it was a pretty exciting day with this afternoon being Bridger Mountain Harmony Chorus's annual show, "Christmas From the Heart." We had three quartets, two choruses, two soloists, and a flute trio involved and it was a blast.

The chorus itself was fun. And I think that it was a wonderful last show for our retiring director. At least from where I was, it was the best we'd ever done on many of the songs. I was glad God answered that particular prayer of mine, that this be a great last show for her. She really deserves it.

Most exciting for me was honestly being a part of the flute trio with Carol and Emma. I've never done anything like that. Emma has been in band and Carol's been in tons of things, but the closest thing I've had was Gamelan and that wasn't even close to as exposed as a flute trio is. But during both pieces all I seemed to be able to do was smile inside. With flute, you can really feel the resonance between you and the other two flutes. And for someone as deeply affected by music as I am, it felt like an almost physical bond between us. One of harmony and melody intertwining, leaping, and flowing together. I was sad when it was over, but exhilarated for having done it. I sure do love those two. Just to think that two years ago, I'd never met Emma and hardly knew of Carol. Wow. God can't work pretty fast when He wants to!

Then, I also did one of the solo lead parts with the chorus accompanying me. That was amazing too, but with that one, it was God I felt close to. He used my voice and I sang as I can't remember ever singing in front of a crowd. It felt so loud and ringy. But all I could seem to think about was God and all He's done for me lately, especially with leading me to Him. People said it was good and I believe them, though I don't really remember because of what it was eclipsed by.

Overall, a wonderful experience. :)

Real Live Math Problem

Heh. So the yesterday in between bouts of physics homework, I realized that with Alli moving out in a few days, we needed to get the tabs between all of us settled.

If we call the Roommates A, J, C, and W, then the math is as follows:

Deposit needed paid back to A from C and W at 75 each. Next month's rent would be paid by C, so J and W needed to pay her 300 each. A needed to pay 10 days rent to the other three, which is 75 total, but then internet for the next month gets split and 22.29 is owed to J by C and W.

The additional parameter: Try doing this with the least amount of checks written only by J and W.

I finally got it down to a W->J check, J->C check, and J->A check. But honestly, that's the first real life puzzle I've had of that degree in a long time.

Eyesight

I've been struggling with the depression more and more lately. And having difficulties in my relationship with God. The unfortunate part of these two battles is that they're really difficult topics to bring up with anyone because I don't want to bring anyone down with me.

And yet even though I was trying to hide this change of heart, the things I heard myself saying to people had changed. My optimism was forced and my honesty was on the negative side.

Then, a few days ago, a friend said something that woke me up to how serious it was. After I pointed out the truth that, "Most of my life is spent on assigned torture of some kind. Physical therapy, homework, and even God's tests, though I don't know it beforehand."

She countered with, "But He also assigns pleasure."

The verses came to mind, "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is bad, then the whole body will be full of darkness." Matt 6:22-23

I nodded, humbled once more. My eye had become so bad that I was no longer even truly seeing all the blessings that God had been assigning. My body was full of darkness because I was choosing to not see properly.

Even in that moment, He was kind enough to send me someone to gently chide me and push me back towards the light. I smiled back at my friend and said, "Yes, He does. I know."

The battles keep raging every day, (no rest for the weary and all that) but the blessings never stop. And in fact, that makes it all the more amazing.

Before I was only focusing on the half truth that everything that happens is directed by God and will somehow be used for my future good. That was coming out in my talk of heavenly tests and God-assigned torture. But I needed to be reminded why.

The reason for all that is because he honestly, truly loves me more than anyone else ever could. His love is deeper than I can fathom. He's doing everything for my good not to shape me into something that's of worth to Him later on, but because He loves me now for who I am.

I don't want to be full of darkness anymore. It gives a new meaning to the words "God sighting." And it didn't escape my notice that the darkness didn't go away with the realization that my "sight" was bad, but the light started coming back into my heart after I prayed and made room for God again in my life. Setting my eyes on God. The best way to see and be filled with life.

No Longer Afraid

A lot of things have changed this year. But this morning a big one came pretty starkly to my attention.

Due to rides and all, I went with someone else to the early morning east wing service, instead of my usual afternoon west wing service. This switch changes two main things. One is the crowds are much bigger in the east wing and two is I didn't get to sit with the Kankelborgs.

For most of my life, I've been afraid of people. The bigger the crowd, the more afraid I was and also the more vulnerable/weak I was, the more afraid I was. I was pretty good at hiding it, but the terror was always there and real for me.

Then, just last year, for the first time in my life, I experienced what it felt like to not be utterly terrified of people. And that peace happened with Carol. I think I cared about her enough that if I focused on that friendship, I could ignore the crowds and not be afraid even while I was in them. Either way, she was a calming presence in the storm I'd been living in and I started learning over the next few months the beginnings of not fearing.

Then, long story short, I went to counseling for some things that needed dealt with at the root level. Transformations happened there. Enough that I think Carol, Pam, and I were all surprised by my progress. (God wasn't because He was the one changing and molding my heart.) Much of it was on dealing with fear.

During counseling I was so focused on growing and learning, I never actually stopped to realize how big the changes really were. In fact, it was only this morning that I really realized what changes have truly happened.

I was weak and vulnerable on my crutches and in a bigger crowd than normal without Carol's calming presence beside me. And as I stood there and waited for my ride to be done visiting, it hit me. I was in a crowd, but not afraid. In fact, I was totally at peace with people milling about me even though I was more vulnerable than usual. And it wasn't that I knew and trusted them. Since I wasn't in my usual service, I only knew the 5 musicians. Only months ago, less than that situation would have terrified me. But now my heart has been changed and the fruit is coming out.

I smiled at this. Now that I realize the boundary of fear that's gone, what would stop me from loving them all? I am free to get to know anyone. I am free to hug them if I choose to express love. I am free to shake hands and rub shoulders with people.

I'm no longer afraid!

Loved For the Oddities

Last night was really amazing! Well, ironically I appreciated it so much more quite simply because of the night before's experience.

Thursday night I went to a group activity that was something I used to be a part of. It was true that the people there were nice as they knew how to be. But I wasn't looking for polite conversation and a social smile, I was looking for a connection and a laugh. It was strange because I'd remembered vaguely what that old group was generally like, but I had diminished it in my mind since I'd left. One of the big things was the struggle to utterly conform to a set of rules or placing so much value on what others think that you conform to what you think they want you to be. And then once you get there you get depressed because you feel boring and unoriginal, but otherwise you'd feel awkward and different, so you can't go back without a fight.

Then last night...:~) I went to a game night with my bible study and... (there were people there also that did not know me) I guess instead of being awed at how different I was, there was a general acceptance.

I know how to put it! They loved me for my weirdness instead of despite of my oddities. That was the big difference. And if I happened to be normal on something, they loved me for that as well. There was no pressure to conform. And no pressure to specifically try and be different. And on the other hand, I loved them for themselves. Odd, crazy, normal people that they are.

Weakness and Strength

Something difficult I've been dealing with this last week is how weak I have become. The first time I saw my left leg muscles atrophied...(I still feel embarrassed about this)...I went into shock. And I've been discovering this week some of the changes that my body has made. My left leg has little to no muscle left on the bottom part (I've been doing quad flexes for the top) where before, that was one of the strongest muscles in my body. I've started developing bruises on my hands and realized that that makes crutches near impossible, which makes it so that I can't even walk. I haven't been stretching like I used to so I've lost flexibility. I've lost so much muscle elsewhere too, that really where I used to pride myself on physical strength, it now would be laughable to try to claim such a thing despite my best efforts.

All this is true and I won't diminish it.

But then when I cannot go on, I stop to think and realize what all I've gained. Before this, I did pride myself on my strength. Ha. Now, I pride myself on His strength. When I'm at my weakest, I've noticed He uses me to do the most amazing things. Things like listening to people, cheering them up, giving them a chance to serve someone (which strange enough usually cheers them up), and often talking to them about spiritual matters.

Through all of this, I've become stronger in love. Both in giving and receiving. It takes a lot more humility than I before possessed to ask for help and receive it lovingly. I never knew before the bond that is formed from that connection either. And as for giving love, I've had almost more opportunity to help others than they have me (and that's saying a lot!). I also have more empathy and compassion, which I figure comes from God. By the world's standards it just doesn't make sense. Because by all means, I should be less forgiving at someone stubbing their toe while I hobble along, not more. I should not love the one who kicks out my crutches accidentally or automatically help them. I should be more concerned with my hurt because it's bigger. I guess that's why I see God in all this because logically my reactions don't make sense and they make even less sense when I feel like I did something deeply and utterly right.

But without becoming weak, this would not have happened. I wouldn't be leaning on His strength if I thought mine was sufficient. But as it is, realizing that I'm weak was the best thing that's happened to me because then I realized that no matter what His strength is the only unchanging and totally sufficient strength.

Waking Up

In reading a book, I was posed with a question I've never questioned before:

"What gets you up in the morning?"

For some it's their families, for some it's to make money, for some it's to learn at school, for some it's the gospel... Some use coffee, some use a mantra, some remind themselves of what they need to do...

I looked into this question more and it seems as though it is a widely perceived assumption that there does need to be a reason to get up in the morning. And that's the part I never knew about. For me, there doesn't need to be a reason to get up in the morning. Sometimes there is a special reason such as getting together with someone I enjoy being around, but most of the time there isn't.

Why does a child get up in the morning? I doubt most of them need a mantra or coffee or responsibility to tell them they can't keep sleeping forever. And most don't know about the gospel and aren't interested in earning money yet. Does there need to be a reason?

Once I get up, even on the bad days there are good things. I very rarely have regretted waking up and when I do, there's a direct reason to not get up like pneumonia.

That question then makes me think about others. Does everyone need a reason to get up in the morning? Is it just in our culture? Is it like needing a reason to be happy (another one I don't get)? Or is it just on hard mornings that people need a reason to get up? Or do I secretly have a reason of my own that I've had since childhood, so I just don't readily think about it?

Happiness

Well today was an exciting day!

After doing my chair exercises at physical therapy, Shannon brought me some crutches. Today was the day!! It was so freeing!! I stood up and then realized that I was allowed to do this, that I could really move on my own without wheels. I felt oddly tall, but overall just so grateful and happy. She cleared the floor and let me race back and forth across the entire physical therapy building. I had so much fun! It was hard not to go faster than allowed. I wanted to swing and do gymnastics stuff in the air right there, it felt so good!! Shannon commented that she didn't even have the heart to tell me to slow down. (Instead she mostly just walked beside me for safety.)

Then after a few critiques and a bit of stair training, I had to get back in the chair. But I still couldn't help but smile and think God's really good to me. And in that moment my gratitude for not being paralyzed was overwhelming. It never hit me before until I was allowed to have some mobility back what a gift it is.

Something funny happened in the p.t. area from that time, though. I noticed that everyone in the area brightened up.

Shannon first was excited for me and kept on commenting on how happy I was. One of the guys who just had a knee replacement clapped and cheered me on as I got to try really running around in crutches. Another patient lady just beamed at me to see me so happy and started doing her exercises with a lot more enthusiasm than she had a bit before then. The ladies waiting in the check in area laughed and smiled as I raced through and the receptionist said it was impossible not to be happy just watching my joy.

Christian (my regular therapist) then came over and said, "Jen. You made my day with that. Many of us don't even appreciate being able to walk, but here...you just had such joy in being able to stand and hop with crutches. Your face as you raced around the building! Well, Jen. I've got to tell you that this was definitely the best moment I've had in months."

I smiled and thanked him because I could feel God was using me again and I liked it. It was wonderful how He used my happiness to make others happy just by being around it. Christ's light was definitely shining through and I think that's what they saw. Though I don't think they consciously knew they were watching me in constant praise of the God who made me, but I think the insides of them knew anyway.

<----Taken right after my first walk outside in 5 weeks!

Fighting the Depression

To be honest, it's a war from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep and even throughout my dreams. Very few times do I feel like God spares me the fight (there are moments He does give me, though). Instead of taking the trial away, He leads me through it, not around it. And I'm actually kind of grateful for this.

I have to constantly push myself towards the light and false encouragement doesn't work. I can't fool myself by saying it's all just a fun puzzle to solve or that this all will be better tomorrow. Sometimes it really isn't better. I've had to use most of my ingenuity and optimism in this battle without the pat answers. Not only that, but I'm learning to face the facts and not be afraid or ashamed. Some mornings I tell God, “I'm in pain, feeling sick, and starting out tired, which precludes a very difficult school day. But You're with me, so you know what, I think with You there, I can do it. And since You always do Your part with blessing me with that amazing grace, I'll do my best to smile and at least make someone else laugh a bit.”

During the day, I fight to stay positive and I think because I have to fight for it, I appreciate it so much more than I ever did before. I find myself wishing I could run with the dog in the field or wishing I could avoid all of the awkward stares of people walking by, but I don't allow those thoughts to go through. I push my mind back to how amazing the clouds in the sky are and marvel at the cool arm muscles I've gained from this.

And the neat thing about learning how to do this fight is it works on other things too. I just have found that no matter what bad stuff happens around me, I still am pushing towards the light. And since the battles are honest, it really does work and I find that things don't ruffle me like they used to.

And another big surprise to me was this constant fighting of the depression has apparently helped others. This wasn't called to my attention (probably a good thing) until a few days ago. Someone just admitted to me today that they felt sheepish complaining about anything around me because something about me made it seem silly. And several others pointed out how I cheered them up. I don't remember doing that. I just feel like I'm desperately turning my thoughts to God and good stuff to avoid sinking down myself. Funny how He uses me even at my lowest points.

Time

There are so many things that I've been learning from all of this. Patience, trust, forgiveness, dependence, faith... etc. But one of the lessons that I did not expect to learn from this has been one of the biggest. And that's about the time we're given.

I've never slowed down before. Not even close to this. Broken bones, pneumonia, concussions, deaths...nothing got me to pause. I was always fighting to fill my time with as much as possible.

Even at Carol's home, I did not wish to waste such a precious commodity, even if I had nothing else I could do but lie still. And when I went home, things were no different. I tried keeping up with all my classes and extra things, jumping right back into the fray.

There are some lessons that have an initial lesson, but require time to get the deeper stuff. And I think I've often missed that in my thirsting and hungering for knowledge.

How precious time is has been this deepening lesson for me. I knew time was precious before, that's why I wanted to fill every moment because I've nearly died enough times to know how short it is. But never before did I understand the real worth of it.

Time can equal peace if we allow it to. Not just comfort-based in-the-moment sort of peace, but a real shift in our internal rhythm. Time can be perspective and wisdom if allowed to settle. Where before there were facts, they morph into understanding.

And best of all, is when there's enough time to realize that time can become meaningless if put in the context of God. It took my slowing down to fully begin to understand that He lives outside this dimension, which means that we are with Him now and forever and that time will not change that fact. When I was filling every moment, I suppose I didn't appreciate that He is unchanging no matter what.

Time put into relationships, deepens those too. But if we're too busy filling or wasting time, then we're working on the surface of things or on the breadth of things. I guess this is the sort of thing you learn if you make it to old age. When things slow down you start to discover the worlds underneath. Oh boy. And to think God is unending too. This journey is going to be wonderful.

Spotlight

During this recovery time, I've gotten a new perspective on a lot of little things in my life. It's as though I've been temporarily thrown into someone else's world, a world I honestly never thought of much before.

Being a red-head, I often get strange looks and second glances with comments on the color, but have developed ways of being inconspicuous if I want to be.

Now for the first time in my life, I feel like there is a spotlight on me that I can't shake. You'd think being short would make it easier, not harder to go through life unnoticed, but everywhere I go, people stop talking and look at me or glance at me and then look away embarrassed or look at me and come over to talk to me because I'm in a wheelchair and they are taught it's the right thing to do.

I try my best to be nice and polite because they're doing what they know how to do. I just sometimes wish that I had someone with me who didn't view me by my disability. It really hurts to have a label like that. And then I feel bad for even thinking that because I should be grateful that people hold open doors or stop their conversations to politely ask how I'm doing. It's not that I don't appreciate it all, but it's all based on my handicap and not me.

Now I understand even more the value of someone who is able to walk beside the wheelchair and talk about the little funny stories that life has to offer. I understand why someone would want to have the person who asks not, "How are you doing?" but rather, "Can you believe the sunlight coming in those windows? Amazing, isn't it?"

This spotlight is one that I'll have because I'm obviously physically different right now and it opens my eyes to what people who have this permanently have to go through.

An Accident, But Not A Mistake

About 7:40am on September 29^th, I was in a bike vs. truck accident while on my way to school. My body was thrown into the right turn lane's pavement at an estimated 25mph as I was hit from behind. Just the night before I had prayed to become more Christ-like...and if I would have stopped to think about the implications of my request I suppose I would not have been shocked to have a life changing event occur the following morning.

At the time though, I felt scared, alone, hurt, confused, and ashamed. I wasn't angry at God or the guy who hit me, though I knew that was one of the few perfectly logical emotions in my situation. It was an accident. It could happen to anyone. In fact, why was I even letting it affect me this much? Obviously I was still alive, so couldn't I just get up and go to class?

When I couldn't get up after my hardest try, they took me by ambulance to the E.R.

Everything around me was a blur. I tried to make the best of it, cheering up people and cracking jokes. It felt like even then, God was using me and for that I was glad.

Still, I knew I needed to tell someone, but I was ashamed to do even that. Asking for help was just too much to think about. But the more I prayed, the more God told me this was one of the things I needed to learn from all this and He even told me who to ask. In fact, looking back at it, He'd been preparing both of us for quite a while before this happened.

So about an hour and a half afterwards, I texted Carol to say I'd been in an accident. I didn't want to tell her how bad it was, but God has always planted in me this odd reflex where I end up telling Carol everything, so a few hours after the accident, she knew it was serious, that I would need surgery, and told me she'd be over around 2pm. Even having next to no warning, Carol responded better to all this than I did. She called up Charles to make a ramp for up the front steps as soon as he could and invited me to go to her place (though we thought it would be a much shorter stay than it ended up being).

Though everything was crazy, I have to admit amazing things happened while I lived with Carol. And as strange as it sounds, I look fondly back at that time of growth and love, even with the pain and trials so fresh in my mind.

The first day was hard. I could barely steer the wheelchair around the big areas. I was still too proud to ask for help even from Carol when I really honestly needed it. I was impatient and quite frankly ready to be out of the leg cast already. And I wanted to go home, stop being a burden, and pretend nothing was wrong. It took me well into that night to realize how much needed to change and that's when it started to.

I understood more about praying constantly than I almost ever have. Every trial was a challenge to learn from and I think I sometimes even surprised Carol with some of the solutions. Thanks to her though, I learned how to ask for help mostly just because if we couldn't trust me to not get into trouble, then she had to babysit me constantly (and neither of us really wanted that). So I began to break my pride and learn humility after a mostly self-sufficient existence. And got a good dose of patience while I was at it.

Then I learned about friendship, family, and fellowship. Charles and Emma were great about having me there and helped out a lot both physically and emotionally. Still, I honestly was shocked that Carol would do all this for me. I would not have hesitated to help out someone else in the same way and often did, but this was the very first time I had ever been on the receiving end of needing help.

Days passed and I got used to both the wheelchair and the new rhythm of life at Carol's place. She had a wonderful attitude about it all and it made it a lot easier for me to keep a good attitude about the situation as well. But not only that. The best part was I felt loved, both by God and Carol, and both in a very real sense. I read a fair amount of scripture and “The Screwtape Letters” but mostly simply thought and prayed since that's mostly all I could do.

Then came Tuesday, October 4^th, the day of the surgery when everything changed again.

I had some pretty big lessons up until that point, but I think part of their reason for being there were to prepare me for the life-changing ones that were to come.

An idol is anything that you put before God, anything that you say He cannot/should not take away because it is yours and yours alone. I had to deal with that a while back when dealing with people I loved dying. There was an anger there because I had put those relationships above Him and decided that they were not His to take away. Now I understand and know better and thought that that was the last idol I had from my own life.

After surgery, I had an experience I can't say that I'd be particularly thrilled to go through again, but that I've got to say I honestly needed. The one thing that I always thought of as all my own...is my intelligence. I had a hidden idol... a mental idol.

The strong, post-surgery pain medications stripped me of even that. That first night was terrible. I could not formulate a solid thought. I couldn't move since I couldn't identify my limbs or figure out what direction up was. I was helpless as I'd ever been. And through all of this I could still feel. I felt sorry for Carol, that she had to take on so much, though I don't think I quite made the connection that I was the cause of her struggling. I felt scared because I knew I was vulnerable. I felt frustrated because I knew I had been able to think, but could not anymore.

But then as I started to try to pray, I found I couldn't even do that. I wanted to talk to God so bad, but my mind would not say things I wanted it to. I knew I made no sense, so I talked and knew that He'd understand. I tried to tell Him that I didn't understand any of this or why this was happening. I told Him that I finally knew that really I am weak and understood that when everything was taken away, He was all I had.

That's when I knew the point was gotten. God let me know that. And something deep inside me was changed forever. I have had everything taken away and found out that He was still more than enough for me. And He let me know He'd always be there. And for the first time, I let go and really trusted in my Savior.

Everything has not been smooth. In fact, it just got harder from that point on. Maybe it was because of that prayer the night before the crash or the fact that my heart still means it even now, but I've now been put through more and more refining fires. I've seen the dross hidden deep within myself and it wasn't pretty. I now know my worst and even during that, even as God showed me the ugliness inside, He also said, “I love you no matter what.”

There aren't really words to describe what I went through. Both the good and the bad, but I learned more than I ever thought I would.

So though it was an accident, it wasn't a mistake. God knew what He was doing all along and let me in on the secret: That everything that happens, He will make happen for my good because He loves me just that much.

Trusting

Today I finally got to the heart of an issue I've been having...and found something entirely unexpected at the core of it.

One of the strange things about me is my utter inability to notice what someone looks like, including ethnicity and lately, I've been really stuck on this. I felt it was something that needed to be fixed. A personal defect. I was sure I could find an answer to it in the scriptures or with wise friends. So I asked friends of quite a few backgrounds and I searched, but wasn't really finding the cure spelled out like I wanted it to be.

I thought the answer wouldn't come, but then it did. Through prayer, God whispered the answer, and it wasn't the answer I expected at all. There have been so many changes, so many problems that have been solved recently, that I have fallen into a trap. And that trap is to stop trusting God with things. I've been using the bible solely as an emotional medical dictionary.

And I realized why something I saw as a defect really bothered me so much. I was forgetting to learn from trials as I'm going through them. I really had started to turn away from God once things started to become easier.

"I try to keep my hands open because it hurts too much when God has to pry my fingers apart."

Though I've been learning so much, I've also been closing my fingers to Him.

It's so easy to fall. I mean, the gospel gives so much knowledge towards growth. But now I understand (once again) that a huge part of all this is to grow closer to and dependent on God.

So, that answer I finally got...heh... it was a simple, "trust Me."

. . . Amazing how He knows exactly what few words to say to bring me right back to my knees when I've forgotten why I needed to be there in the first place.

Everything

What I first saw as a betrayal, as one of the worst things that could have ended up happening, ended up being the best thing that could have ever happened to me at such a pivotal point in my life. Romans 10:28-29 basically. God uses everything for our good and that good is to make us like Christ.

I couldn't see that a few months ago when it felt like my world was crashing down. But now I see. He gave me the tools before hand to ask for help. And in getting that help, I've learned so much spiritually that I don't think I could have otherwise learned so quickly. Through all of these difficult times, my relationship with God has deepened more than I thought possible.

The more I know, the more I love Him. And the more I come to love Him, the more I feel His love for me.

When this happened, I cursed God. I hated what happened and I hated myself. I asked, "Why now? Why would you let this happen? What did I do wrong?"

He has been so patient with me, leading me down the path I really wanted while I fought Him every step of the way.

And now I understand a little clearer that when God says "everything" that's really what it is. Everything.

Really Just Playing

Tonight something sporadic and surprisingly enjoyable happened.

I was talking with Alli (one of my roommates) and finally right at the end, mentioned pointedly that I wanted to hear her play the violin since I hadn't yet. She was a bit reluctant, but then she started pulling out music and looking through it.

After a bit she pulled out some sheet music and said, "Okay, but you'll play the second part then," and handed it to me.

I looked at it and gulped. (Holy...what in the world is she thinking, thinking I could sightread THAT!) In jest I said, "Uh, sure...on what instrument?"

She said, "Violin, of course. Unless you can play violin music on the flute."

So, I got out the flute and tried. The piece was still a bit out of my sight-reading range, so she pulled out another piece. We tried me on the double notes...but that was way too boring. I only got to play a little.

In frustration I said, "Look, could I just harmonize with you by ear?"

She looked at me, "You can do that?"

Relieved, I exclaimed, "Oh heck yes, I can!" And off we went.

It was wonderful. The experience I'd longed for with music, but didn't know it.

Sometimes things were off between us, but not as often as I'd feared. She was like a steady ribbon of sound, flipping and waving through time. And I was next to her, flying like a bird. Jumping, fluttering, soaring, diving.

I felt free. And so did she, she informed me later that many of those notes were added in or made up entirely.

I felt as though she and I were speaking in a language that I had not spoken with someone like that with. And now I want to get even better at it so that I can do that again with others.

Re-reading The Soloist

Well I read "The Soloist" again today. It's been almost a year since the last time and I must say, I think I appreciate it even more now than I did then.

Not only that, but the timing was perfect for it because today, not all too long from when I finished the book, I got together with Carol. It made me appreciate more fully what she and I do and don't have together.

For example, in "The Soloist" one of the things that really rang true with me this time is that after Nathaniel and Steve fought there was a time they were both hurting. But then Steve came back and they simply stood by one another, not needing words. Then when Steve spoke it was about something, something that didn't really matter, but they both understood what it meant.

This is a difficult concept to explain, but it's there in Carol and I's friendship. I can say something and know she knows what it means for me. And vice versa.

We don't share to each other about other relationships, however. I mean, I smile when she melts into Charles' embrace and she shakes her head at my little dating woes, but other than one time back in January, we don't discuss it. Or any other relationships really. I know she has friends and she knows I have friends, but we don't talk about them except in stories of other things.

There's a sense of on going teamwork or camaraderie, but one part that really sticks out to me is the individual-ness too. Like with flute, we talk about the woes and wonders of playing it. And then we also intermix asking and telling about our personal lessons. We know we're at different levels and taking lessons from different teachers... so it's a wonderful balance. When there's a battle to be fought (or her daughter to be outwitted) we team up seamlessly, but we are each strong and growing as an individual. I really appreciate that quality for spiritual stuff.

One thing that really struck me tonight because it's so utterly different from the Ayer/Loez friendship was I noticed how much we laugh. And the funny thing is, her laughter makes me smile, and when I smile, she often laughs (not sure on causation there). And that's something I really love about this. I guess it's joy that I feel. It feels deeper than happiness and it feels like God is behind it. And this friendship often has me feeling so bubbly and light that I can't help but laugh.

Fellowship. It's phileo. Sisterly love. Life changing. A wonderful friendship.

The New Place

Already we've made a lot of good memories in this house.

The new place is three bedrooms, one bathroom. There's four of us (Kat and I share) and two pets, but so far the dynamic between all of us is really quite good.

Last night, we had our housewarming party and it went well. I think it did us all good to have the house full of people, business, and general life.

But one of the things I love the most is how diverse it is between us all. There are so many quirks and funny habits and differences in background and ethics. It makes for a wonderful collage of an experience.

One Strand Left

Sometimes, there are moments in life that take away all that you felt you could cling too. As if all of life were a rope that you are trying to climb and somewhere along the way, strings are unraveling and breaking off one by one. Then all that is left is that one thread that you cling to, just trying to muster the courage to climb once more.

I suppose that's some of what I feel, right now especially. I feel as though I'm trying to hold together those unraveling and snapping strings until I will only have one strand left.

And I know it's at that point that God comes and says, "let go." And funny enough, I feel just as unable to let go of the little string as I did the sturdily woven rope. That's probably the point I was supposed to learn.

I keep holding on, trying to fool myself into thinking that if I, myself, am strong enough, the string won't snap.

...but that is wrong.

There is only one way out. The same way there was even when I was climbing a solid rope. I know that God can catch me and always will, so why do I still strive for autonomy?

Called

Called to it in more ways than one.

Lately, I have been talking to a friend about what it means to be "called" to a task or "called" to serve. This has always been a big part of my existence. So big, in fact, that I never took special thought to it until I have had to teach others about what I naturally do and feel.

What being called means to me is when you know that some task is what God wants you to do and you do it and He gives you the tools you need to accomplish the task. Such as when I am taught the rules of bike riding from a friend just two days before I am "called" to teach two others that want to learn to ride. God gave me the initial impulse to learn, the teacher, and the impulse to take on students.

And as for tonight. It's been a long day...and I haven't slept well with all the nightmares and such for a really long time. So, I was looking forward to sleeping soundly and trying to recover from the tiring weekend. I think it was a test, though.

Just a bit into the deep sleep, I woke up to hear the phone ringing. In my mind, I asked God, "Do I really have to answer or can it just wait until I feel like answering, Father?"

His answer was a compulsion of the sort, that I knew I was being "called" as well as called. It's true, He has often answered with "sleep on," but this time, I got the feeling that I was being "called" and to a difficult task at that.

I had a choice. I even knew I did. But at the same time, I want to be a tool in His hand, so I answered and spent the next three hours battling for good. And so many of the tools, He handed to me. He gave me energy to speak when my own was gone, put words into my mind that were beyond my directional wisdom, and gave me delicacy in topics that I normally would not have had the courage to speak of.

It is natural to me. All my life, I think I can remember being called, but now, I think I'm starting to appreciate that. I like being His tool. And I know He knows me, knows what others need, and know the lessons I need.

That's one other thing about being called. Sure, I'm called to help someone, but I think, really, it's usually me that gets the most learning out of it. Just like tonight, when I was called, He taught me about fear, the exact thing I have been struggling with. And ironically enough, I think I will now sleep and not be weary like I have been before. So once again, He has answered my prayers in ways that I had not thought of.

Compliments

So, Carol and I got together again today. I got two more concepts better than I had before and wanted to put one on here for further thinking.

That thing I asked was on how to take compliments. I had no clue as to how to do it because normally I deflect them. Like in the car with Nancy I was deflecting hers, but then when Carol complimented me...I felt like I couldn't deflect them, so I had no idea what to do.

She told me of some of the problems we generally have with compliments and what true humility is all about. One of the problems is, “I don't want to take any credit because I feel like all credit should go to God, so I've got to avoid compliments.” The thing with that is to not be ashamed of who God made you to be. All glory does go to Him and you can remember that, but trying to avoid compliments is like trying to bury that talent that He gave you. Which, as He even points out, is exactly what you're not supposed to do. So you take the compliment and mentally acknowledge that every thing that you have is from Him and if you really understand that, taking the compliment's just fine.

Another problem is fear of pride. I had this one with all the musical stuff. It's so easy to have “singer's ego” or “performer's pride” and I have a lot of instruments to do so on. It's not like the criticism or compliment would stop or encourage my playing, just make me afraid that I'd be bloated with pride if I got too many compliments.

That's when she brought up what humility really is. She said, “To some musicians, they can enjoy a piece of music just as much if someone else plays it as if they themselves had played it.” I nodded and said that's how it was for me like how I had enjoyed hearing her flute recital about as much as if I had played it myself. She said she had thought that I was one of those and said, “But to many musicians it's not the same. They get jealous of others playing well. Their personal idea of their talent is threatened by others.”

I thought about this, her words ringing true. “So, that's the singer's ego then,” I said, finally getting it. She agreed and I continued to place it all in place. It made sense why it existed. And it made sense why I did not have it myself. I had been told that I didn't, but I didn't know why.

Humility is not fear. Not fear of your success and not fear of others' success. It's knowing that all good things come from God. That knowledge cancels out fear and pride.

She said to have an accurate idea of who I really am helps immensely. To not pretend to be better or worse than you are, just to be truly you.

Measure of Growth

Well, finals are over and summer is here. I started back on at the Hilton and find it to be a great challenge in a lot of ways, but also really encouraging. You see, since I worked there almost one year ago, I'm able to tell how far I've progressed in so many ways.

First of all, it's a rather hard job. You get all sorts of crap from the guests, your coworkers, and unfortunately, most of all, your bosses. Then the pressure of the job itself is there.

One of the things I was well known for before was my good attitude, but it's nothing compared to now. Most of the coworkers that have mentioned it figure they just don't remember just how nice it was to be around me at work, but I know that my attitude has changed for the better. I have more patience, for one thing, even than I did then. I also have a wide array of puns and I'm not afraid to use them. :~)

My humility has increased since accepting Grace, which happened this last year. I feel that I can deal with a lot of things because I know what I've been given and how much I don't deserve it.

And at the same time, my confidence has shot up, but with out the usual co-virtue of pride. I just know that I am working harder and better and I have no fear of my supervisors like I used to. In other words, I've grown into myself. I am who I am and am not afraid.

Then physically. When I first started the Hilton, I was way out of shape and housekeeping got me into it. Then over this school year, between Carol and I's workouts, my own workouts, and the general workouts of life, I've grown in physical capability since even last summer. I didn't realize this because I'm always just pushing through things without thinking about what good they are actually doing for me.

But today, I rode my bike really fast for miles without breaking a sweat. Then I worked at 1.5 times the speed of a fast housekeeper for a full shift. Then I went on a hike with the Kankelborgs and was still energetic when we decided to head back. I even raced Emma (okay, so by race #7 I was admittedly getting tired) and won a few times.

Then when I was thinking about it, I realized that at the end of last summer I barely had the energy to do a shift as a regular speed housekeeper and then I'd walk home and rest. And then, to compare to when I very first started at the Hilton, walking the 3 miles to the Hilton exhausted me.

And the biggest change I've noticed is how "light" I am. I'm not afraid, for God is with me and now I know it. And I've got faith that He'll lead me where He wants me to go when it's time, so I'm willing to hand over my control to Him. So, no fear and willing to submit control to Someone other than myself.

And that's something I've never had in my life before.

So, this returning has felt like a measuring stick. There are plenty of challenges to my faith and plenty of opportunities to find if I will choose a truly "Christian" way in difficult circumstances.

And the cool thing is, I feel like I'm measuring up to who I want to be, given my human limitations, and I know God's got the rest.

Very Much Myself

It really started to hit me again when Jo-Anne came up to visit. She talked about how hard it was to go out in the real world and pretend to be who they wanted her to be all the time at her work and at school. My simple response was "don't then."

She was incredulous and asked how you could survive. I mean, people expect you to have tact and be polite and say all that stuff about your kids and the weather. And there will be consequences if you don't.

So, I thought about it. And finally understood what happens with me. I told her, "I always am exactly who I am and you know what, people get used to me. Not just in the tolerating way either, but really get to know what to expect and not expect. It's as if I don't see the rules of social stuff and because I believe they don't apply, well they don't."

She then asked about work. I'm a tutor and she wondered how I managed to be me and teach. You're apparently supposed to encourage and stuff like that, that I never got the hang of. Jo-Anne came and watched one session to see what it was like and get in a little math while she was at it. To give an example, right before Evelyn took her Calculus Exam, she complained, "Oh. I seriously feel like I am going to throw up..."

I clapped my hands together and said, "Yes! Finally!"

She looked at me and slowly asked, "You're...happy that I feel sick?"

I smiled and said, "Of course. You see, when you feel like you're about to throw up, it's often because you've studied so much that you can't take any more. So this means you're really, finally ready for the exam as we can get you. Go show 'em how it's done."

That was okay because Evelyn's my student, but what about my elders? People who have control over what happens to me?

Well, in juries. I filled out my forms just as I am. When it asked for student goals over the term, I said on one sheet, "sanity, breathing, and becoming a bigger voice without resorting to weight gain." Or what studies we emphasized this term, I responded, "Lots of voice stuff, working on high notes and middle notes, and a lot of buxom sort of "big mama" sounds."

As I got done with the singing and was walking back up to get the sheets, Dr. Aamot, with a sparkling smirk said, "Thank you, Jen. I didn't know that I could enjoy someone's jury sheets that much." I wasn't sure what he meant, but my pianist, knowing me, shooed me out immediately. Talk about getting used to me, she knew if I spoke then I'd embarrass us both and she was probably right. I found out later on that you're supposed to have more technical languages on those sorts of things and buxom was probably not the best choice of adjective.

And with my piano class. We decided to go out for coffee and when we got there, the only place that could seat the five of us, had one person already sitting at it. They didn't know what to do, so I said, "Well, isn't it obvious, well just find out if that lady minds us sitting by her and if she does we'll find somewhere else." Several protests began, stuff about socially awkward, but I didn't really notice since I was too busy asking the stranger if she minded. When I returned to the group and said she had said it was fine, someone in the group muttered, "Only you could get away with that, Jen. Only you..." But they accepted it.

And in Gamelan, when I started playing with the nine-year old. Well, the Mom for example apparently thought I was playing with her daughter to be nice. She said, "Thanks for watching Teresa. It frees me up to do other stuff." I looked at the Mom and said, "Oh, but I'm not really watching her. I think you might want to keep a look out, since I'm really just playing." Teresa beamed. I think until then she thought I was supposed to be supervising her. No. I just wanted to play. The rest of the Gamelan was used to me, so didn't find it strange anymore that I was crawling around in the grass or whittling a wooden flute. It's just "Jen" they say and get back to talking.

Several people this week have thanked me, though. It's been funny, but they've all thanked me in their own way for always being "very much myself." Through all the oddities and social awkwardness, they said that the could always count on me to be totally genuine. And one mentioned that it frees them up to be the same.

So, as my voice teacher sighs while I'm having so much fun on her ball, I forget to sing, or as my student rolls their eyes when I honestly say they were thinking totally wrong, but in a fascinating manner, or as Kim looks at a brightly colored, clashing towel and says, "It's on sale for a reason, but yeah, it fits you all right." Well, now I'm beginning to see. They find it (as one close friend so accurately described) "frustratingly endearing." And knowing that, I see a bit of the spiritual gifts I've been given.

Haha. And the biggest of those is really just to be "very much myself."

Way of Life

Wide Reflective Equilibrium.

It was the last subject we covered in Philosophy:Meta-ethics and an interesting way to end the class. Reflective Equilibrium is basically the idea of resolving cognitive dissonances in our lives into one workable whole. And Wide Reflective Equilibrium is doing that same thing but with bigger ethical systems instead of individual experiences.

It was an interesting way for him to end the class because of the last stuff he said and because it was him who said it. My philosophy teacher, like many philosophers, loves to attack ideas and beliefs, especially those ideas that rest on religion.

But this time at the very end of class, he talked about how you go out into the world and you learn things. You learn logic, morals, the way things are, etc, and they end up making an entire experiencial sort of system. Then say you also have this belief in Christianity. He said something like, "It's all right if that's what you believe. It's all right if you're an atheist, a Buddist, a satanist. I don't really care. But what I do care about is that you put those two systems together. That you live what you believe. And that is the whole point."

I thought about it and still am thinking about it. Then, this week's Sunday School lesson had a similar topic. It was the basic idea of "what would Jesus do." And I kept thinking.

And as I was thinking in the store the other day, I heard a guy come up beside me and start muttering, "Well, it's gotta be somewhere here..."

I looked over and said, "What does?"

The guy looked at me funny (probably because I was a stranger) and said some product, I don't remember what, but we were on the health/sickness aisle. We found it together and he said, "Aww man. That's way more than I thought it would be. Guess I'll go without this time."

I said, "Oh, well, I have some cash on me," and despite his initial protests, I reached in my pocket and said a little prayer. I had some different bills in there, so I asked Heavenly Father to put the right amount in my hand and I'd give it. Right after they guy admitted he needed about $4, I pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to him.

He responded, astounded, "Wow. Now I could get something to eat too. Thank you."

I nodded, smiled, and turned back to my own shopping, trying to remember what it was I'd been thinking about before. "Oh yeah. I was thinking about how I could make my way of life more in line with my beliefs," I muttered, putting a few things back on the shelf.

The irony didn't hit me until much later, until after I'd finished helping a Mom with her kid, played with a stray dog, listened to an old man, helping someone get onto the bus, gave my strawberries away to a hungry person, gave some people directions, and helped fix a bike chain.

It's a life style and Jesus was all about unexpectedly serving someone (well, it's unexpected for me anyway, though He knew it was coming).

Happiness is also on that morph list, I think. Tonight I played with a nine-year old, chased a dragonfly, made a wooden flute, ran barefoot in the grass, smiled at the sun, wondered at the clouds, laughed at the breeze, tried a new trick on my bike, read some of a good book... Oh and took quite a few finals and worked and stuff. All good.

Now, thinking about it...I guess that I do manage it. If life is made up of a whole lot of unthinking service and indulgent joy, then maybe I'm in balance. Not in control, hahaha, not at all. But I feel like my focus and my actions are heading in the same direction and it feels like the right one.

Lessons from Shut Doors

Tonight, a lot of great things happened at Bible study that were different from the normal routine. But one of the funnest parts for me was afterwards. Everyone packed up, except for four of us. We didn't plan it, we just weren't ready to leave, so the four of us stayed to be with each other.

It was fun. Like a group of friends... Oh, I guess they have become my friends. Not just like friends, they actually are my friends. (Not used to that yet) We talked serious and laughed and talked serious and laughed. But one of the serious subjects that came up was the path to my baptism. The groups had been talking about when to confront someone about faith and when to wait and not push. That's when I explained a little more of my story.

I told them how I'd been questioning for a long time. And sometimes I would begin to feel like I'd found the truth. I was so close and then I'd get chased off by what they'd say when the Lord didn't prompt them to speak. Things like, "You're wrong and going to Hell if you don't act fast," or "I'm glad you came, maybe we can get your whole family to see the light next." This happened time after time. Not just Christianity, but all sorts of religions. I'd feel like I was getting somewhere and then it was mercilessly stuffed down my throat.

And then on the other hand, there was Carol. It didn't come up immediately. I knew pretty quick that she was religious and was wary about our friendship. To be honest, I was trying to enjoy our time together before the stuffing religion down my throat routine began. But she didn't. She only spoke when she felt prompted to and in turn I found the truth without being scared off.

Then Jessica said, "Well, that makes me wonder. I mean God's obviously been shutting those doors over and over again before you were led to the right place. So, it'll be interesting to see what you are supposed to do with those experiences. What you were supposed to learn."

I paused to think for a second, but it came to me what one of the biggest lessons was. "Total acceptance," I said. "I knew what rejection was. I know what it's like to be shunned from a group over and over for stupid reasons. So, I don't do that to others. That's why my baptism was so controversial. I mean, I have friends in all faiths and they know how accepting I am, so they were afraid that that would change."

"Besides, I'm such a different creature, that I never really fit in any sort of conforming group. So, the result ended up being that everyone wanted me in their 'in' group. Go figure. I never understood it, but when we had us/them group problems at the hotels between the immigrants, Americans, and foreign exchange all of them included me as part of their group, even as they hated the other groups."

We laughed for a while afterwards about other things, but I continued to think about what all I'd learned from rejection. How I'd learned that love was the only thing that mattered. Especially Agape, or the unconditional stuff. And that who someone was mattered and who they projected they were didn't. And how if you ignore the lines, then they hold no power over you.

After all, love is God's power and nothing can beat that.

Water from a Fire-hose

Well, I feel a little overwhelmed. Not in a terrible way, but so much good has happened that I feel a little bit like I can't take any more. Women of Faith this weekend and then my baptism today.

As Carol says, it's like trying to drink water from a fire-hose. Water's good, but it's going to take me a little bit to process everything to the point of really drinking it in.

I've got to say though, today's choice felt SOOOO right! I knew that this was the right way for me. I felt...peace. And rightness. When I came up out of the water, it felt different. I guess part of what I felt was that the ceremony accented what had already happened inside of me instead of replacing it.

And the love I felt! And the happiness!!! Not just from me, but from God too. And from others. That was shocking to me, but each person that came up to say congrats...well, I thought about where they were coming from and knew their sincerity. And that in itself was amazing.

I felt so "not alone" that I hardly knew what to do. I've almost never felt so "not alone" like I did then. Christ is there with me, Carol was there with me, and many of my friends (woah...friends. They've become my friends!) were there with me.

It was a new experience. A true life glimpse of an emotion I once felt from a very special dream.

Love. I feel loved. So much, I can barely take it in. Like drinking water from a fire-hose.

The Time of My Life

Last night, I was a bit stressed with schoolwork, but came out to make some dinner (first meal of the day at 8pm). My roommate came out and we had a talk about school stuff. She naturally takes it really easy in school and life, leaving time to be lazy if she so chooses. A direct opposite of what I do all the time with enthusiastically piling too much stuff on my plate.

But there was one comment during the conversation she said that got me. Kim said, "I figure I'll take the fastest route of four years to get out of school. Then I can check 'get a degree' off my list of things to do. And once it's done, I'll be glad its over and then I can actually start my life."

"Check school off the list?"

This was a totally foreign thought to my current mindset. Back in high school, I had that attitude about school sometimes, but as I grew older that thought disappeared. There are some times I wish this degree was over, but more in the sense that I want to move on to the next degree. I was baffled that someone I knew would honestly want to do that to themselves. Kim even said she didn't really care what the degree was and doesn't really like the one she's doing.

So last night and this morning, whenever I could no longer bear the thought of writing about "primary and secondary values of subjectivity" my mind would wander back to these thoughts of life stages.

And it hit me really hard this morning how I will miss this time in my life when it's over. None of my peers discuss this fact. It's always how hard things are right now and how great it'll be when they're old and retired. And then I hear the older generation say that college was the "time of their life" and golly, they sure do miss it.

Kim wants to check “get a degree” off of her list as fast as possible, yet maybe that's why I act more like the second degree people. I am beginning to appreciate learning and this college environment I'm in. I enjoy listening to conversations of religion, economics, music, and math. I quite frankly love tutoring and would like to see about teaching.

It's true that I would love to be at Carol's current stage too. I'd love to have a family. To have a daughter to fight with, love, discipline, and make laugh. I'd love to have that one that I could share anything I wanted to with and laugh with. That deep, best friend love that ever deepens.

Yes, I'm really looking forward to that stage.

And at the same time, I'm happy with the stage I'm in. I recognize the stress (oh boy, do I!) and the pain and the struggles that never seem to end. But even seeing those, I know I'll miss these days when they're gone. And I know I'll be happy (and probably stressed) then too.

It makes me realize every moment God gives me is the "Time of My Life."

Little, Amazing Things

There were several, little good/cool things that happened yesterday, so I figured I'd write so of them here.

Yesterday we had an all day coaching session for our chorus. It was also the first time Carol was at chorus since her leave of absence, so December. :) Boy, I had forgotten how much fun it is to have her there! It was just the little things too. Like at break, over the past few months I've usually sat in a corner and then after a while forced myself to get up and join the crowd. This time, I was pleasantly surprised when Carol came over to where I was to show me something and then we had a fun time talking.

Then there were those moments where I could share in something. How do I say this... Like when we were both outside and found it funny that there was a giant, fake spider in the grass, or shock that someone could possibly not have a DVD player, or interest in a new phone app... I guess it's friendship and though I didn't fully realize it until she was back, I sure missed it.

Another little thing was at lunch-time I went outside and played on the swings and ran around and played soccer with myself and laughed at the sky. Those sorts of things that I do when I'm free. One time, as I was in the process of creating a snowdog, I looked back at the school and thought, "I wonder if I'm supposed to act more like everyone else." The thought hadn't occurred to me before. But then the Holy Ghost brought up an idea into my head. It was something along the lines that I am created as I am and that person is good.

Sometimes I doubt that, though.

Oh, as a side note, it was really, really nice when I went back in from my outside adventures, I was talking to Carol and asked if she wanted to come out and see the snowdog. I was a little shocked at myself, since I didn't mean to ask. It just sort of came out.

Then later on that day as I was thinking about that cool concept that I was created to be exactly who I was that another neat thing came up. I specifically was thinking about my weaknesses and was wondering if those were a part of me. I tried remembering the scriptures about that He will make the small things great and use our weaknesses. Then, as if in answer to my thoughts, the coach told us a quote.

"If you think you don't have rhythm, put your hand over your heart."

I smiled. Rhythm was just one of the weaknesses I'd been thinking about and it felt like an answer. I know it's not what she said, but it reminded me better than anything else, that He will give me everything I need. All I need to do is trust Him.

Yesterday was full of little, amazing things like that.

All Together

Age is a real tricky thing for me. I don't think I've barely ever gotten it right.

Physically, I'm around twenty years old. A few problems here and there, but generally my age group. At least within a decade.

Then, we get to mentally. That's the old crone rocking in her old wooden chair somewhere inside me. Either that or at the very least, I tend to get along with people my parents' age on that level.

But then emotionally... Three years ago I had to admit to myself that I was still, in a whole lot of ways, an emotional toddler. There are advantages and disadvantages to that. As one person said to me, "Children see the world of morality in black and white. Big things and strange things are much easier to understand that way."

I looked at that and saw that perhaps she was right. It makes me a good teacher of the bigger things, like love and hate. But completely oblivious to a lot of middle stuff. It also makes me a very straightforward and dependable person. I do something almost beyond my ability for someone else and when asked why, I shrug and say something like, "Well, because I love them. It's that simple." It's a very childish view and I know that, but it's not always bad.

Yet, mentally I realize it's more complex than that.

There's this constant tug-o-war between the ages. Instinct is based on my emotions, action is based on thought. And I want everything to be together in a way that it hasn't been since I was 4-years old or so.

But I don't really know how. I've dealt with so many things on an intellectual level that I'm not quite sure how to go back and change that to emotional. Even things like death, I dealt with in a fairly logical manner... and to be honest, I'm a bit scared to have my emotions play any part in things.

Like a few months ago, I had something happen that triggered my emotional side. I didn't know what to do and a friend offered to talk with me, so I went over there. My emotional side didn't know how to handle this. Like a child, thoughts like, "This is bad. What did I do wrong? Am I really a bad person?" kept going through my mind.

While the logical side was already beyond the problem it had already logically analyzed the emotions and actions of everyone involved and went through the process of answering the question of "why."

Yet, my emotions were in control and it took a lot of help from the friend and Christ in order to get that side somewhat under control once more. Though, even now some emotional part of me still doesn't understand. Like a child.

I want to be all together. But I don't know how. I never dealt with emotional things with emotions, but logic is telling me that that's the only way I'll start to grow up on this.

Plant Growth

Plants are good for my soul, I think.

Just looking at them, not only reminds me of the beauty in life, but it's also a constant reminder to always grow and reach for the light, no matter where we are.

And thinking back on how I remember, even the trees, growing up from little tiny sprouts...

Well, it's simply amazing. And it's what I want to do too.

Refreshing Honesty

Just this week, it's happened quite a few times.

Someone once told me that as I grew older, people would appreciate the things that they didn't back then. And one of those was dead on honesty and boldness.

I didn't really believe them back then and it still gets me into a lot of trouble, but it's just how I am. If I feel like saying it, I'll say it how it is. (...I just realized...maybe it wasn't such a great idea for me to learn how to communicate...)

Like yesterday when I was tutoring, I looked at the next section in her book and said, "Well, you're not going to like this one, that's for sure. But it's right up my alley, so basically you're less likely to get it, but I'm better at teaching it, so we should be good." My student then commented how she liked my straight-forwardness and I was a little confused. In response, I pointed at the book and asked, "Oh. What was I supposed to say?" She just laughed, shook her head and said, "That's just it. You don't do stuff like that to be cruel or to get attention, so it makes it truly funny."

And with Jo-Anne, she's even used to me, but my blunt honesty is, "Sharply minty and pleasantly refreshing. Sure, it stings a little like mentholatum, but after all the wide-spread brown nosing out there, it's a refreshing sort of pain."

Then on Wednesday, I was asked to take minutes for a meeting. I figured minutes were to cover everything we talked about, so I put it in. And minutes after I sent out the completed minutes to be corrected, I got an e-mail back from someone saying,

"Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahhahahahahah

OMG These are hilarious!!!!!!!

Love the "working on Dora to Jen communication"

and the "perhaps flounder a bit"

Oh my.. my abs hurt..

I got to keep reading!!! You are great!"

I was confused and asked if I should have done it differently, but she said that no, these were great. I mean, just about everything was there except the cinna-buns as another person put it.

It's strange, but that's three times in two days. I guess that person might have been right. And by golly, I think this is the way I'm meant to be. Maybe not for the sole reason of humor, but if that's a side effect, that's fine with me.

Short Version of my Faith Journey

Growing up, I wanted to do the right thing and always tried to be obedient to every commandment that came my way. This wasn't really easy for me and I had to try very hard at it, since I tended to be a very different creature than those around me. But still, I attended seminary, church, held leadership positions, got my young women's medallion, fasted, tithed, in short everything that I could possibly in the hopes that I could be good and know God like everyone else... yet, I didn't really “get it.” I was lost in being obedient and doing everything right without any real understanding of grace or realization of God's love.

I really began actively questioning this in high school, but that ended up just isolating me even farther away from my peers than I already was. I questioned again and again, not finding what I was looking for, though I didn't really know what it was I was looking for.

I lived in several different places after high school, trying to find my way over the next few years, but though I always felt the holy Spirit guiding me in the little things, I wasn't finding the truth that I was searching for yet. Religion became more and more a confusing thing that put boundaries on the natural joy I had in life. I believed that there was a big “something" guiding things, so I couldn't quite fit in with my atheist and pagan friends either, but I just wasn't sure what to believe after that.

Then after my last summer in Portland when I was wondering where exactly I'd go next, I had the strongest feeling that I'd had up to that point. I was being prompted to go to Bozeman. My first response was of course to look up and say, “You sure about that? Bozeman, for sure?” And in response the feeling came back even stronger to go to Bozeman. I was certain that that's where He wanted me.

There have been many reasons for that, which I've been blessed to see. I was still searching, but I had faith that if this is where He wanted me, He'd lead me where He wanted me to go.

And also, as I found out, lead the people I needed where they needed to go too. Last March, in an unexpected chain of events, I gained something that had the potential to flip my life around, though I wouldn't have believed it until after it happened... I got a friend.

She invited me over for Easter and I learned a lot of things from that encounter, that triggered my “search” mode into full running capability once more. I felt the Spirit there in her home, but wasn't yet comfortable to breach the subject with my newly acquired friend.

Then for my birthday, she gave me a set of books that were specifically Christian fantasy. By doing this, she had opened the door between us for spiritual talk in such a way that I could make the next move or let it be. I took a while to see if she was going to try stuffing religion down my throat. I'd had enough of that in my wanderings. But she didn't mention it more than if I liked the books and such. The next move, if there was one would be mine to make.

So, after a lot of thought, prayer, and thought, I finally asked if we could take a hike and talk theological stuff. She agreed. I warned her I had lots of questions and she assured me that that was just fine with her.

She didn't judge and asked just as many questions as I did. She began to point me in a direction where I could find my own answers as well as guiding me through the tougher questions. Basically, God used her as the tool that I needed.

And finally through all of this, the concept of what the atonement really meant...hit me. And hit me hard. In my furious trying to be righteous, I had missed the most important thing. My family gets it. Many of my friends got it. But until then I didn't truly understand that without Christ, I am nothing. Without Him I'd never make it. And that was that.

I finally understood Grace. Before this moment I had been wandering, but from that moment on, I started to run forward. I felt love for God and wanted to become who He wanted me to be.

And yet, I was admittedly a little scared. I finally had gained a testimony, but not in the faith of my family. Should I keep this quiet? Join a church without them knowing? And yet, how could I, when all wanted was to proclaim my testimony for Christ to everyone?

I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. Always asking if this was the right path and for Him to guide my steps. I needed to know for myself if this was right. That this was indeed God's will for me.

And this December, the answer came. It was during the worship time as I was praying inside myself, I asked “God, is this where I am supposed to be? Could you tell me if this is the way for me to reach you?” And though, I still haven't gotten adequate words to describe it, this is what I told my friend about what happened immediately afterward:

Today was amazing! It's hard to describe, even now. But I felt Him like I never have before.

It was beyond words, that feeling of joy and light and happiness and love and rightness. I felt like He was right there inside me or beside me or everywhere, I wasn't sure maybe all, but He was there. Like I was filled with such emotions that it was more than I could take and all of them good. Or filled with light without a trace of darkness, so bright I could not bear it all in my body. I really can't describe it, perhaps it was love, but a love greater than any other.

I've felt promptings from the Spirit, some stronger than others, but that... It's the first time I felt Him there so strongly.

And the music. I always keep Him in mind and use the music to praise, but this time it really felt like it was a gift that I was giving to Him and that it was good. And that's all I wanted to do.

I took time to process it today and feel it out more and talk with Him... but even with all of that prayer, I'm still just in awe. It makes me wonder how someone that good could love someone like me, but at the same time there is no doubt in my mind that He does.

And that feeling was so strong! It felt like the whole place should have been on fire or filled with light.

And I knew that that was my confirmation. My life is changed, as those who knew me before can witness to. He led me where He wanted me, gave me a chance to know Him, and told me that this was the right way for me when I asked.

My Offering

Well, it's hard to say whether I'm more excited or nervous for tonight, but I'm hoping excitement will start overriding here soon.

Almost a week ago, a guy from my church asked if I'd be up for being part of his worship team. I said yes without thinking really, but it's probably good I did or perhaps I wouldn't have said yes after the nerves set in.

I'm not sure what to expect, since just six weeks ago I got plunged into my first instrumental ensemble with the Gamelan and that...well, let's just say I was mighty humbled from that experience.

It's a new culture, I suppose is why I'm nervous. It's like a linguist moving to live in a country of one of their learned languages. I know there are going to be customs and things I'm not going to know and it's scary to know that I can't really prepare for that. I'm afraid I won't be good enough or I'll ruin the experience for the rest of the band.

Oh man... I just remembered: Worry is a sin, too.

If this is for worship, maybe one of the things that I need to learn is to let go. It's for Him and if I give Him the best I've got and continually do so as I grow, then that's what's important.

My fear is that I will not be strong enough for myself or that my pride will be hurt. I still have a long way to go in some of these lessons.

This is my offering. He'll give me the strength I need and I'll give Him the best I can. He's given me so much already, sometimes I have to remember not to depend on those gifts while forgetting the giver.

Now I understand once more. He gave me all I have and now I get a chance to offer my music back to Him.

That was unexpected. I wanted excitement to take over, but instead I am filled with peace, acceptance, and gratitude. It's one of those "Praise God" moments. He knows better than I.

Joy! Well, actually Dawn.

This morning, my roommate got a good laugh. She blearily walked into the kitchen out of habit to make breakfast and then had to just shake her head, muttering, "I must have one of the strangest roommates out there."

I turned around upon hearing this and was confused why she was giving me strange looks. Poor Kim. She has to explain to me that most people our age don't see a holed cooking utensil and immediately think, "Bubbles."

My excuse (though we both know I didn't need one) was that last week our Sunday school lesson was on "joy."

Kim's starting to get used to me, because she leaned over to peer at the sink and said, "Joy, huh? Well, actually...it looks like you're using Dawn."

But I realized much to my excitement that despite the fact that I'm getting wiser, taller, more gray hairs, and responsible, I'm not growing "old" in the ways that count.

Preparation

This morning, while I was working on the last edits on a philosophy paper, I got lost in thought at how great God is.

For one of the first times, I recognized that He's the one behind a lot of my preparation, not me. I've always said that, "I decided that I wanted to write better, so I decided to write a novel." There was no disrespect intended with that; it's just what I thought.

Now I've got to smile and shake my head at just how blind I was. It took me this long to see God's hand in it. For if I had not done that, where would I be now? It wouldn't matter towards my grade how well I got these philosophical theories if I could not verbalize them better than a fifth grader could. And Prof. Levy even says that most in this class get bad marks simply based upon grammatical mistakes, not upon ideas.

And here I am, because of that crazy idea (placed in my head by the Holy Ghost) I am able to correct my own paper almost at the level of a writing center employee.

Then once that concept kicked in, I started looking and realizing how He's been preparing me in so many ways, long before I'd ever need the skills. Such as with tutoring and all the skills I've had to learn then over the years. Then when it came to teaching a spiritual concept, I did it without thinking until afterwards. Or with music, how recently I had to use all the odd skills I've learned and then some to work with a certain musician. Such as playing 4 different instruments and being able to jump on a few others. Or being able to harmonize with a song I didn't know before, but just by ear on the spot.

It's a little different than being given gifts in the moment you need them. I have a lot of that too, but this is like being actually shaped and slowly molded into the tool He wants me to be.

And not just me, I've been thinking about it and He seems to do it to a lot of people in varying degrees. Heh. Whether they accept Him or not, He's shaping them. That's amazing.