Due to rides and all, I went with someone else to the early morning east wing service, instead of my usual afternoon west wing service. This switch changes two main things. One is the crowds are much bigger in the east wing and two is I didn't get to sit with the Kankelborgs.
For most of my life, I've been afraid of people. The bigger the crowd, the more afraid I was and also the more vulnerable/weak I was, the more afraid I was. I was pretty good at hiding it, but the terror was always there and real for me.
Then, just last year, for the first time in my life, I experienced what it felt like to not be utterly terrified of people. And that peace happened with Carol. I think I cared about her enough that if I focused on that friendship, I could ignore the crowds and not be afraid even while I was in them. Either way, she was a calming presence in the storm I'd been living in and I started learning over the next few months the beginnings of not fearing.
Then, long story short, I went to counseling for some things that needed dealt with at the root level. Transformations happened there. Enough that I think Carol, Pam, and I were all surprised by my progress. (God wasn't because He was the one changing and molding my heart.) Much of it was on dealing with fear.
During counseling I was so focused on growing and learning, I never actually stopped to realize how big the changes really were. In fact, it was only this morning that I really realized what changes have truly happened.
I was weak and vulnerable on my crutches and in a bigger crowd than normal without Carol's calming presence beside me. And as I stood there and waited for my ride to be done visiting, it hit me. I was in a crowd, but not afraid. In fact, I was totally at peace with people milling about me even though I was more vulnerable than usual. And it wasn't that I knew and trusted them. Since I wasn't in my usual service, I only knew the 5 musicians. Only months ago, less than that situation would have terrified me. But now my heart has been changed and the fruit is coming out.
I smiled at this. Now that I realize the boundary of fear that's gone, what would stop me from loving them all? I am free to get to know anyone. I am free to hug them if I choose to express love. I am free to shake hands and rub shoulders with people.
I'm no longer afraid!
