To be honest, it's a war from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep and even throughout my dreams. Very few times do I feel like God spares me the fight (there are moments He does give me, though). Instead of taking the trial away, He leads me through it, not around it. And I'm actually kind of grateful for this.
I have to constantly push myself towards the light and false encouragement doesn't work. I can't fool myself by saying it's all just a fun puzzle to solve or that this all will be better tomorrow. Sometimes it really isn't better. I've had to use most of my ingenuity and optimism in this battle without the pat answers. Not only that, but I'm learning to face the facts and not be afraid or ashamed. Some mornings I tell God, “I'm in pain, feeling sick, and starting out tired, which precludes a very difficult school day. But You're with me, so you know what, I think with You there, I can do it. And since You always do Your part with blessing me with that amazing grace, I'll do my best to smile and at least make someone else laugh a bit.”
During the day, I fight to stay positive and I think because I have to fight for it, I appreciate it so much more than I ever did before. I find myself wishing I could run with the dog in the field or wishing I could avoid all of the awkward stares of people walking by, but I don't allow those thoughts to go through. I push my mind back to how amazing the clouds in the sky are and marvel at the cool arm muscles I've gained from this.
And the neat thing about learning how to do this fight is it works on other things too. I just have found that no matter what bad stuff happens around me, I still am pushing towards the light. And since the battles are honest, it really does work and I find that things don't ruffle me like they used to.
And another big surprise to me was this constant fighting of the depression has apparently helped others. This wasn't called to my attention (probably a good thing) until a few days ago. Someone just admitted to me today that they felt sheepish complaining about anything around me because something about me made it seem silly. And several others pointed out how I cheered them up. I don't remember doing that. I just feel like I'm desperately turning my thoughts to God and good stuff to avoid sinking down myself. Funny how He uses me even at my lowest points.
