Growing up, I wanted to do the right thing and always tried to be obedient to every commandment that came my way. This wasn't really easy for me and I had to try very hard at it, since I tended to be a very different creature than those around me. But still, I attended seminary, church, held leadership positions, got my young women's medallion, fasted, tithed, in short everything that I could possibly in the hopes that I could be good and know God like everyone else... yet, I didn't really “get it.” I was lost in being obedient and doing everything right without any real understanding of grace or realization of God's love.
I really began actively questioning this in high school, but that ended up just isolating me even farther away from my peers than I already was. I questioned again and again, not finding what I was looking for, though I didn't really know what it was I was looking for.
I lived in several different places after high school, trying to find my way over the next few years, but though I always felt the holy Spirit guiding me in the little things, I wasn't finding the truth that I was searching for yet. Religion became more and more a confusing thing that put boundaries on the natural joy I had in life. I believed that there was a big “something" guiding things, so I couldn't quite fit in with my atheist and pagan friends either, but I just wasn't sure what to believe after that.
Then after my last summer in Portland when I was wondering where exactly I'd go next, I had the strongest feeling that I'd had up to that point. I was being prompted to go to Bozeman. My first response was of course to look up and say, “You sure about that? Bozeman, for sure?” And in response the feeling came back even stronger to go to Bozeman. I was certain that that's where He wanted me.
There have been many reasons for that, which I've been blessed to see. I was still searching, but I had faith that if this is where He wanted me, He'd lead me where He wanted me to go.
And also, as I found out, lead the people I needed where they needed to go too. Last March, in an unexpected chain of events, I gained something that had the potential to flip my life around, though I wouldn't have believed it until after it happened... I got a friend.
She invited me over for Easter and I learned a lot of things from that encounter, that triggered my “search” mode into full running capability once more. I felt the Spirit there in her home, but wasn't yet comfortable to breach the subject with my newly acquired friend.
Then for my birthday, she gave me a set of books that were specifically Christian fantasy. By doing this, she had opened the door between us for spiritual talk in such a way that I could make the next move or let it be. I took a while to see if she was going to try stuffing religion down my throat. I'd had enough of that in my wanderings. But she didn't mention it more than if I liked the books and such. The next move, if there was one would be mine to make.
So, after a lot of thought, prayer, and thought, I finally asked if we could take a hike and talk theological stuff. She agreed. I warned her I had lots of questions and she assured me that that was just fine with her.
She didn't judge and asked just as many questions as I did. She began to point me in a direction where I could find my own answers as well as guiding me through the tougher questions. Basically, God used her as the tool that I needed.
And finally through all of this, the concept of what the atonement really meant...hit me. And hit me hard. In my furious trying to be righteous, I had missed the most important thing. My family gets it. Many of my friends got it. But until then I didn't truly understand that without Christ, I am nothing. Without Him I'd never make it. And that was that.
I finally understood Grace. Before this moment I had been wandering, but from that moment on, I started to run forward. I felt love for God and wanted to become who He wanted me to be.
And yet, I was admittedly a little scared. I finally had gained a testimony, but not in the faith of my family. Should I keep this quiet? Join a church without them knowing? And yet, how could I, when all wanted was to proclaim my testimony for Christ to everyone?
I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. Always asking if this was the right path and for Him to guide my steps. I needed to know for myself if this was right. That this was indeed God's will for me.
And this December, the answer came. It was during the worship time as I was praying inside myself, I asked “God, is this where I am supposed to be? Could you tell me if this is the way for me to reach you?” And though, I still haven't gotten adequate words to describe it, this is what I told my friend about what happened immediately afterward:
Today was amazing! It's hard to describe, even now. But I felt Him like I never have before.
It was beyond words, that feeling of joy and light and happiness and love and rightness. I felt like He was right there inside me or beside me or everywhere, I wasn't sure maybe all, but He was there. Like I was filled with such emotions that it was more than I could take and all of them good. Or filled with light without a trace of darkness, so bright I could not bear it all in my body. I really can't describe it, perhaps it was love, but a love greater than any other.
I've felt promptings from the Spirit, some stronger than others, but that... It's the first time I felt Him there so strongly.
And the music. I always keep Him in mind and use the music to praise, but this time it really felt like it was a gift that I was giving to Him and that it was good. And that's all I wanted to do.
I took time to process it today and feel it out more and talk with Him... but even with all of that prayer, I'm still just in awe. It makes me wonder how someone that good could love someone like me, but at the same time there is no doubt in my mind that He does.
And that feeling was so strong! It felt like the whole place should have been on fire or filled with light.
And I knew that that was my confirmation. My life is changed, as those who knew me before can witness to. He led me where He wanted me, gave me a chance to know Him, and told me that this was the right way for me when I asked.
