I've been struggling with the depression more and more lately. And having difficulties in my relationship with God. The unfortunate part of these two battles is that they're really difficult topics to bring up with anyone because I don't want to bring anyone down with me.
And yet even though I was trying to hide this change of heart, the things I heard myself saying to people had changed. My optimism was forced and my honesty was on the negative side.
Then, a few days ago, a friend said something that woke me up to how serious it was. After I pointed out the truth that, "Most of my life is spent on assigned torture of some kind. Physical therapy, homework, and even God's tests, though I don't know it beforehand."
She countered with, "But He also assigns pleasure."
The verses came to mind, "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is bad, then the whole body will be full of darkness." Matt 6:22-23
I nodded, humbled once more. My eye had become so bad that I was no longer even truly seeing all the blessings that God had been assigning. My body was full of darkness because I was choosing to not see properly.
Even in that moment, He was kind enough to send me someone to gently chide me and push me back towards the light. I smiled back at my friend and said, "Yes, He does. I know."
The battles keep raging every day, (no rest for the weary and all that) but the blessings never stop. And in fact, that makes it all the more amazing.
Before I was only focusing on the half truth that everything that happens is directed by God and will somehow be used for my future good. That was coming out in my talk of heavenly tests and God-assigned torture. But I needed to be reminded why.
The reason for all that is because he honestly, truly loves me more than anyone else ever could. His love is deeper than I can fathom. He's doing everything for my good not to shape me into something that's of worth to Him later on, but because He loves me now for who I am.
I don't want to be full of darkness anymore. It gives a new meaning to the words "God sighting." And it didn't escape my notice that the darkness didn't go away with the realization that my "sight" was bad, but the light started coming back into my heart after I prayed and made room for God again in my life. Setting my eyes on God. The best way to see and be filled with life.
