Age is a real tricky thing for me. I don't think I've barely ever gotten it right.
Then, we get to mentally. That's the old crone rocking in her old wooden chair somewhere inside me. Either that or at the very least, I tend to get along with people my parents' age on that level.
But then emotionally... Three years ago I had to admit to myself that I was still, in a whole lot of ways, an emotional toddler. There are advantages and disadvantages to that. As one person said to me, "Children see the world of morality in black and white. Big things and strange things are much easier to understand that way."
I looked at that and saw that perhaps she was right. It makes me a good teacher of the bigger things, like love and hate. But completely oblivious to a lot of middle stuff. It also makes me a very straightforward and dependable person. I do something almost beyond my ability for someone else and when asked why, I shrug and say something like, "Well, because I love them. It's that simple." It's a very childish view and I know that, but it's not always bad.
Yet, mentally I realize it's more complex than that.
There's this constant tug-o-war between the ages. Instinct is based on my emotions, action is based on thought. And I want everything to be together in a way that it hasn't been since I was 4-years old or so.
But I don't really know how. I've dealt with so many things on an intellectual level that I'm not quite sure how to go back and change that to emotional. Even things like death, I dealt with in a fairly logical manner... and to be honest, I'm a bit scared to have my emotions play any part in things.
Like a few months ago, I had something happen that triggered my emotional side. I didn't know what to do and a friend offered to talk with me, so I went over there. My emotional side didn't know how to handle this. Like a child, thoughts like, "This is bad. What did I do wrong? Am I really a bad person?" kept going through my mind.
While the logical side was already beyond the problem it had already logically analyzed the emotions and actions of everyone involved and went through the process of answering the question of "why."
Yet, my emotions were in control and it took a lot of help from the friend and Christ in order to get that side somewhat under control once more. Though, even now some emotional part of me still doesn't understand. Like a child.
I want to be all together. But I don't know how. I never dealt with emotional things with emotions, but logic is telling me that that's the only way I'll start to grow up on this.
