Something difficult I've been dealing with this last week is how weak I have become. The first time I saw my left leg muscles atrophied...(I still feel embarrassed about this)...I went into shock. And I've been discovering this week some of the changes that my body has made. My left leg has little to no muscle left on the bottom part (I've been doing quad flexes for the top) where before, that was one of the strongest muscles in my body. I've started developing bruises on my hands and realized that that makes crutches near impossible, which makes it so that I can't even walk. I haven't been stretching like I used to so I've lost flexibility. I've lost so much muscle elsewhere too, that really where I used to pride myself on physical strength, it now would be laughable to try to claim such a thing despite my best efforts.
All this is true and I won't diminish it.
But then when I cannot go on, I stop to think and realize what all I've gained. Before this, I did pride myself on my strength. Ha. Now, I pride myself on His strength. When I'm at my weakest, I've noticed He uses me to do the most amazing things. Things like listening to people, cheering them up, giving them a chance to serve someone (which strange enough usually cheers them up), and often talking to them about spiritual matters.
Through all of this, I've become stronger in love. Both in giving and receiving. It takes a lot more humility than I before possessed to ask for help and receive it lovingly. I never knew before the bond that is formed from that connection either. And as for giving love, I've had almost more opportunity to help others than they have me (and that's saying a lot!). I also have more empathy and compassion, which I figure comes from God. By the world's standards it just doesn't make sense. Because by all means, I should be less forgiving at someone stubbing their toe while I hobble along, not more. I should not love the one who kicks out my crutches accidentally or automatically help them. I should be more concerned with my hurt because it's bigger. I guess that's why I see God in all this because logically my reactions don't make sense and they make even less sense when I feel like I did something deeply and utterly right.
But without becoming weak, this would not have happened. I wouldn't be leaning on His strength if I thought mine was sufficient. But as it is, realizing that I'm weak was the best thing that's happened to me because then I realized that no matter what His strength is the only unchanging and totally sufficient strength.
