Blessed

My heart has been overflowing with gratitude these past few days, but this morning it hit me especially hard.

First of all, there's walking. I've gotten the chance to relearn what it's like to wobble around on your own. Do you realize how utterly wonderful it is to take that first step? And then another and another! It's really, really amazing! This is a joy I'm glad to have experienced, even knowing the cost.

Then, this morning I realized I'd be seeing an old friend here tomorrow. I remembered back to who I was when she saw me in April. ...how different I was! During the following few months, I felt like I was on an accelerated spiritual learning track. And then I got hit and I found out that that acceleration could speed up. It was amazing how much I could learn in a very short amount of time about life, love, suffering, and humility. I feel so grateful that I was allowed to learn all of that. He really answered my prayer when I asked to follow Him and become more like Him.

And as I was singing that morning, it hit me what happened almost exactly a year ago during a similar singing time. Back last December, I was praying to know God's will for me and He answered it by letting me feel Him there with me. It's an indescribable experience that I've had twice in one year, that being the first time.
That's when I truly understood how good He is and how unmatched His love. I understood the Atonement better than I had (that one nearly blew me away) and I knew that it was a priceless gift I was totally unworthy of.

At that point, my heart felt like it would burst with thankfulness.
I've been so blessed!

"Christmas From the Heart"

Well, it was a pretty exciting day with this afternoon being Bridger Mountain Harmony Chorus's annual show, "Christmas From the Heart." We had three quartets, two choruses, two soloists, and a flute trio involved and it was a blast.

The chorus itself was fun. And I think that it was a wonderful last show for our retiring director. At least from where I was, it was the best we'd ever done on many of the songs. I was glad God answered that particular prayer of mine, that this be a great last show for her. She really deserves it.

Most exciting for me was honestly being a part of the flute trio with Carol and Emma. I've never done anything like that. Emma has been in band and Carol's been in tons of things, but the closest thing I've had was Gamelan and that wasn't even close to as exposed as a flute trio is. But during both pieces all I seemed to be able to do was smile inside. With flute, you can really feel the resonance between you and the other two flutes. And for someone as deeply affected by music as I am, it felt like an almost physical bond between us. One of harmony and melody intertwining, leaping, and flowing together. I was sad when it was over, but exhilarated for having done it. I sure do love those two. Just to think that two years ago, I'd never met Emma and hardly knew of Carol. Wow. God can't work pretty fast when He wants to!

Then, I also did one of the solo lead parts with the chorus accompanying me. That was amazing too, but with that one, it was God I felt close to. He used my voice and I sang as I can't remember ever singing in front of a crowd. It felt so loud and ringy. But all I could seem to think about was God and all He's done for me lately, especially with leading me to Him. People said it was good and I believe them, though I don't really remember because of what it was eclipsed by.

Overall, a wonderful experience. :)

Real Live Math Problem

Heh. So the yesterday in between bouts of physics homework, I realized that with Alli moving out in a few days, we needed to get the tabs between all of us settled.

If we call the Roommates A, J, C, and W, then the math is as follows:

Deposit needed paid back to A from C and W at 75 each. Next month's rent would be paid by C, so J and W needed to pay her 300 each. A needed to pay 10 days rent to the other three, which is 75 total, but then internet for the next month gets split and 22.29 is owed to J by C and W.

The additional parameter: Try doing this with the least amount of checks written only by J and W.

I finally got it down to a W->J check, J->C check, and J->A check. But honestly, that's the first real life puzzle I've had of that degree in a long time.

Eyesight

I've been struggling with the depression more and more lately. And having difficulties in my relationship with God. The unfortunate part of these two battles is that they're really difficult topics to bring up with anyone because I don't want to bring anyone down with me.

And yet even though I was trying to hide this change of heart, the things I heard myself saying to people had changed. My optimism was forced and my honesty was on the negative side.

Then, a few days ago, a friend said something that woke me up to how serious it was. After I pointed out the truth that, "Most of my life is spent on assigned torture of some kind. Physical therapy, homework, and even God's tests, though I don't know it beforehand."

She countered with, "But He also assigns pleasure."

The verses came to mind, "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is bad, then the whole body will be full of darkness." Matt 6:22-23

I nodded, humbled once more. My eye had become so bad that I was no longer even truly seeing all the blessings that God had been assigning. My body was full of darkness because I was choosing to not see properly.

Even in that moment, He was kind enough to send me someone to gently chide me and push me back towards the light. I smiled back at my friend and said, "Yes, He does. I know."

The battles keep raging every day, (no rest for the weary and all that) but the blessings never stop. And in fact, that makes it all the more amazing.

Before I was only focusing on the half truth that everything that happens is directed by God and will somehow be used for my future good. That was coming out in my talk of heavenly tests and God-assigned torture. But I needed to be reminded why.

The reason for all that is because he honestly, truly loves me more than anyone else ever could. His love is deeper than I can fathom. He's doing everything for my good not to shape me into something that's of worth to Him later on, but because He loves me now for who I am.

I don't want to be full of darkness anymore. It gives a new meaning to the words "God sighting." And it didn't escape my notice that the darkness didn't go away with the realization that my "sight" was bad, but the light started coming back into my heart after I prayed and made room for God again in my life. Setting my eyes on God. The best way to see and be filled with life.

No Longer Afraid

A lot of things have changed this year. But this morning a big one came pretty starkly to my attention.

Due to rides and all, I went with someone else to the early morning east wing service, instead of my usual afternoon west wing service. This switch changes two main things. One is the crowds are much bigger in the east wing and two is I didn't get to sit with the Kankelborgs.

For most of my life, I've been afraid of people. The bigger the crowd, the more afraid I was and also the more vulnerable/weak I was, the more afraid I was. I was pretty good at hiding it, but the terror was always there and real for me.

Then, just last year, for the first time in my life, I experienced what it felt like to not be utterly terrified of people. And that peace happened with Carol. I think I cared about her enough that if I focused on that friendship, I could ignore the crowds and not be afraid even while I was in them. Either way, she was a calming presence in the storm I'd been living in and I started learning over the next few months the beginnings of not fearing.

Then, long story short, I went to counseling for some things that needed dealt with at the root level. Transformations happened there. Enough that I think Carol, Pam, and I were all surprised by my progress. (God wasn't because He was the one changing and molding my heart.) Much of it was on dealing with fear.

During counseling I was so focused on growing and learning, I never actually stopped to realize how big the changes really were. In fact, it was only this morning that I really realized what changes have truly happened.

I was weak and vulnerable on my crutches and in a bigger crowd than normal without Carol's calming presence beside me. And as I stood there and waited for my ride to be done visiting, it hit me. I was in a crowd, but not afraid. In fact, I was totally at peace with people milling about me even though I was more vulnerable than usual. And it wasn't that I knew and trusted them. Since I wasn't in my usual service, I only knew the 5 musicians. Only months ago, less than that situation would have terrified me. But now my heart has been changed and the fruit is coming out.

I smiled at this. Now that I realize the boundary of fear that's gone, what would stop me from loving them all? I am free to get to know anyone. I am free to hug them if I choose to express love. I am free to shake hands and rub shoulders with people.

I'm no longer afraid!

Loved For the Oddities

Last night was really amazing! Well, ironically I appreciated it so much more quite simply because of the night before's experience.

Thursday night I went to a group activity that was something I used to be a part of. It was true that the people there were nice as they knew how to be. But I wasn't looking for polite conversation and a social smile, I was looking for a connection and a laugh. It was strange because I'd remembered vaguely what that old group was generally like, but I had diminished it in my mind since I'd left. One of the big things was the struggle to utterly conform to a set of rules or placing so much value on what others think that you conform to what you think they want you to be. And then once you get there you get depressed because you feel boring and unoriginal, but otherwise you'd feel awkward and different, so you can't go back without a fight.

Then last night...:~) I went to a game night with my bible study and... (there were people there also that did not know me) I guess instead of being awed at how different I was, there was a general acceptance.

I know how to put it! They loved me for my weirdness instead of despite of my oddities. That was the big difference. And if I happened to be normal on something, they loved me for that as well. There was no pressure to conform. And no pressure to specifically try and be different. And on the other hand, I loved them for themselves. Odd, crazy, normal people that they are.

Weakness and Strength

Something difficult I've been dealing with this last week is how weak I have become. The first time I saw my left leg muscles atrophied...(I still feel embarrassed about this)...I went into shock. And I've been discovering this week some of the changes that my body has made. My left leg has little to no muscle left on the bottom part (I've been doing quad flexes for the top) where before, that was one of the strongest muscles in my body. I've started developing bruises on my hands and realized that that makes crutches near impossible, which makes it so that I can't even walk. I haven't been stretching like I used to so I've lost flexibility. I've lost so much muscle elsewhere too, that really where I used to pride myself on physical strength, it now would be laughable to try to claim such a thing despite my best efforts.

All this is true and I won't diminish it.

But then when I cannot go on, I stop to think and realize what all I've gained. Before this, I did pride myself on my strength. Ha. Now, I pride myself on His strength. When I'm at my weakest, I've noticed He uses me to do the most amazing things. Things like listening to people, cheering them up, giving them a chance to serve someone (which strange enough usually cheers them up), and often talking to them about spiritual matters.

Through all of this, I've become stronger in love. Both in giving and receiving. It takes a lot more humility than I before possessed to ask for help and receive it lovingly. I never knew before the bond that is formed from that connection either. And as for giving love, I've had almost more opportunity to help others than they have me (and that's saying a lot!). I also have more empathy and compassion, which I figure comes from God. By the world's standards it just doesn't make sense. Because by all means, I should be less forgiving at someone stubbing their toe while I hobble along, not more. I should not love the one who kicks out my crutches accidentally or automatically help them. I should be more concerned with my hurt because it's bigger. I guess that's why I see God in all this because logically my reactions don't make sense and they make even less sense when I feel like I did something deeply and utterly right.

But without becoming weak, this would not have happened. I wouldn't be leaning on His strength if I thought mine was sufficient. But as it is, realizing that I'm weak was the best thing that's happened to me because then I realized that no matter what His strength is the only unchanging and totally sufficient strength.