If I Fall...

I just barely got something tonight!

It's one of the things I've been struggling with and something someone said tonight clicked and made this sort out in my mind.

There's supposed to be a balance here and I wasn't sure I was liking the answers I was being told. The balance between trusting in the Lord and enduring to the end on my own.

On the one side, you have the person (like me often) that wants to make it on their own power, wants to try their best and not ask for help. And on the other side, you have the person that sits back on their haunches and says, "God will take care of it. If it's His will, it'll be done."

Both have their good sides, but I didn't like either. Tonight though, someone said, "If I fall, He is there to catch me." It was a small side note on the general topic, but it hit me hard due to one of the other lessons I had just learned not terribly long ago.

There was that time I wrote about on here where I blacked out and was therefore forced to be weak in front of others. And that night I learned the valuable lesson that if I fell, they really would catch me...a thought that had not occurred to me before that time.

So, tonight it really hit.

"If I fall, He is there to catch me."

If I was so amazed at the fact that my friends would catch me from a physical fall, then how much greater was it to realize that there was someone there to catch me from my spiritual falls?

And in turn that answered my balance question. Because it is right to try your hardest, to swim as far as possible, to test your limits and grow... but then in the end, comes the change I need to make. When I fall and fail, because I will, then I know that is where grace begins and humility is the key.

Guess that was one of the blessings with this sickness. How else would I have really understood what it meant to have someone who would catch me?

"Remarkable Creatures"

Just finished another book. It wasn't at all what I expected, but not really bad either and a book that leaves me lost in thought is always a good find.

The basic idea was of opening up your mind and being persistent through all your trials, but those aren't the things I really took from it.

It was the relationship between the two main characters of the book that I was lost in. And for those who know me, you'll understand why when I explain that it was a close friendship between and older woman and a younger woman. Not romantic (just to clarify), but nonetheless frowned upon by the little community they lived in.

There were things in there, such as the way that they'd go to the beach together to search for curies that made me relive my own memories of working with my own friendship.

They would both go out, but search for the curies as individuals, reveling in the closeness and friendship that they had without giving words to it or losing any of their own independence in the process.

I liked that. It was the sort of balance that gets glazed over. The sort of balance I hadn't experienced until about six months ago.

The two often were at ends. And to be honest, the elder was waiting for the younger one to grow up (something I wish to avoid putting my friend through) for a good portion of the book. But it was a little like looking at myself through a skewed mirror. And I learned a lot from that experience.

"Thy Will Be Done"

There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, in the end, 'Thy will be done.'

--C.S. Lewis

I'm learning, finally really learning this lesson. "Thy will be done..." It's easy to say during the easy times. Like if you are well off and a friend asks for money, there's not too much to that.

It when you don't have a place to live, don't have a job, and then are asked to give up what you do have in order to help someone else...

But I'm finally getting it. Truly understanding that there's a greater purpose in it all. And when I'm lucky and paying attention, Heavenly Father even shows me the lessons I'm learning as it goes along.

It's a trust thing. And it finally hit me that I really CAN trust him. He wants the best for me and at least for now, I understand that everything that happens in between now and when we meet is going towards that goal.

It's not as though I've quit trying at all, but now I can feel when I'm supposed to stop or to try harder or to give in on my own wants.

I guess I haven;t lost my will... just gained a little faith.

Getting Answers

I found out a lot today. Enough that, sure enough, my head is spinning with it all.

Basically, I asked my closest friend here, if she wouldn't mind answering some of my religious questions if she could. She agreed and we planned on going on a hike this morning to discuss it.

I'm glad I asked. I needed to talk to someone about it. And she definitely knew the things I needed to know. Heh, and they weren't easy questions either.

I asked questions about how all the different religions came to be, what their differences were, the concept of the trinity/Godhead, gifts of the Spirit, what the priesthood is, what repentance is, etc.

There are things that are no problem for me to understand and things that I've never had a hard time in believing in...but I guess hearing all of this helped at the same time it made things harder. Kinda like taking a test that covers all you know on a subject: The test is a lot easier the less you know, but at the same time, many of the questions are interconnected. So, sometimes if you learn just enough there's an "ah-hah" moment which covers half the material.

I still have a little bit until that time, but I don't feel quite so lost now. I feel that so much is right and the stuff I'm not getting direct direction for are things that I've got to figure out conceptually. Now, there is a fire...no, not a fire... mine feels more like a plant.

A plant that I placed in the dark, or put something over and it was wilting, close to death. But now the cover is gone and I can feel it growing. I feel some of the branches need pruned and my stem needs straightening, but I'm finally growing once more towards the light.

And that's the most important part.

Questioning

I guess it's really time.

So many things have been changing so fast...it's rather difficult to keep up sometimes. I'm changing much of what I believe and reaffirming what I still might maintain.

Religion, relationships, goals....they're all being questioned once more.

But the answers I am finding appear to be more of the right ones. I'm passing tests I never thought I could before now. Though my feet hesitate for now, my steps are becoming firm once more.

Some things do not change. I still often feel like a dog among herd animals and wild animals. Not quite fitting into either, simply running around, sniffing through the undergrowth and barking at the sky. I still do not understand the grouping instinct in the same matter as it seems most of my peers do. Many seem to understand that it is safer, more secure, and more pleasant to be part of a group and on the other hand many like the idea of standing out, of being the anti-crowd member. Yet, to be honest, I don't quite get either and I'm starting to thing I'm not really supposed to. It's a painful and embarrassing process, but I'm learning how to acknowledge the way I function naturally as well as I can.

...I just feel so lost much of the time...and I don't know what I can trust. I'm afraid of running in the wrong direction...a fear I believe is valid.

Well, it will be what it will be, as Katrina always tries to remind/convince me.

Classmates

Today, there was another guy in my digital music class that said exactly what I was thinking.

You see, the class is so hard to get into and so hard to stay in, that those who make it are the geeky cream on top of the milky student pile (or the sediment at the bottom...either way separated by polarity of some sort).

It's hard to explain. Maybe because we had to go through so many tests just to make it, we're all so focused on our goal that the class goes very fast. And not only that, but we seem to be on the same track, since every question that has been asked by a fellow student has been one that I wanted to ask and I think it goes the same the other way.

The thing the guy said, though, was, "Man! W00t! This class geeks me up! I feel like an ultra geek like never before!" And after a few digivolving references from the class, I responded, "Yeah. It's kinda refreshing to know that there are this many of us out there, you know?" To which the whole class nodded agreement.

Then today (after my geek-o-meter was maxed out by that class) I went to my easy Physics class and finally had the nerve to sit in a spot not specifically isolated as humanly possible in a student body that size. A girl named Heather sat next to me and as amusing as it is, within a minute I was giving her a tutoring session.

And kinda surprisingly to me, she really seemed to enjoy it as much as I did. We were both early, so it was about 10 minutes in which I helped her understand the first three chapters. Man, I had forgotten what it felt like to teach... and to be accepted in a social setting. It felt really nice.

Moving Again

It has come to the point that logic must overcome stubborn instincts of stability.

When I first moved into the Olive house, there were only two problems. And those were the facts that it takes a day for the bathroom sink to drain and we can't lock our front door.

But just a few days ago, I had to admit that now, the problems have overrun the profits.

It started with our downstairs neighbors, who get arrested or fined regularly for drugs, sexual assaults, and most especially noise. You see, that's a problem since I've gotta practice music for school and have to sleep for functionality, but can't since they party too loud and at every hour of the day and night. And if one complains about it, they turn it down for one or two songs and then it's back to the foot massage. Also a problem because since we can't lock our door, stuff gets stolen from the fridge and guests barge into our house drunk. Still, we can handle it somewhat.

Next came the sinks. Long story short, the kitchen one and bathroom one don't work at all and our land lord said, "Ugh. I'm tired of this. Just Drano it every day if you want to use it." Been doing dishes in a bucket and pouring the water down the sink, since the tub's half clogged too.

Then our landlord gave us two days notice before raising the rent $50 each. Not legal. And not right, since he will not do the stuff in his contract. (We're still waiting for a window to replace the hole in the stairwell so that hail doesn't bounce in the house every time.)

Amy, Michael and I are moving out here soon. Not together, since they are looking into buying a house. I just found a place that sounds good. Not the sort of place that I'd call permanent, but definitely a better fit than the others I've found.

It's really kinda nice to move, though. Gives me extra incentive to get rid of stuff I don't need. Which though I don't packrat, I still manage to find something that I can get rid of.

Growth

I can't quite articulate the joy that filled my heart to see the first pea stem and leaf pop out from over the lid of the bottle. It's little things like that that keep me going sometimes.

As for an update on the garden: The roma tomatoes are doing great. All but one plant have at least five green tomatoes on them. Whatever the other apartment planted was planted to late. Their tomatoes just barely got blossoms and we're already getting close to winter. Inside I've got two kinds of ivy, a shamrock, and two pea plants going. The sage got hit by bugs and hail, but the basil has sprouted up. Oh, and the two trees are doing great.

And I saw some late blooming lettuce in the garden, so here soon I'll be getting another batch. (Yay! More salad!)

This morning I also looked into my own personal growth. I've been trying to get my friend to read a set of books that I loved for a very long time now and she just barely started doing it.

One of the main things that hit her, as it hit me, was there is a character named Finbar that personality-wise appeared and appears identical to me.

Since she has been asking so many questions about the books, I've had to look up bits and pieces. Which turned out to be fun, since it was like seeing my growth from a few years ago. I sure have grown...and yet, I've stayed the same. There are some things, that even though I've learned to be socially acceptable and talk proper (well, when I need to anyway), I still have not wavered on things such as my crazy code of honesty and my stillness. My need to help others is still a trial and I seem to never tire of spiritual growth in myself and others.

It was like being able to really look at myself from outside eyes and see how they see me. How Jo-Anne sees me as well. Which I think I needed right now. Guess I've been to focused on myself lately and how I see others. It's good to shake it up every once in a while.