Disappointments and Discoveries

This last week has been an amazing combination of disappointments and discoveries. On Saturday, I was out with a shop-a-holic and we went to an antique store. That was the first discovery, when I found myself drawn to a book. I didn't feel like spending money, so I kept on walking around the store, looking at all the other stuff, but 5 times I found myself standing next to the one bookshelf, looking at it. I took that as a hint and bought it. As I finally gave in and paid for "The Shack" it felt right, though I had no time to read it and I knew it.

Monday started out with realizing I had forgotten entirely to do a piece of important homework for an online class. I was disappointed in myself with that only to discover that I had completely forgotten several other things and nearly forgot quite a few more. Then I picked up an A+ exam from the end of last semester. AS the teacher congratulated me on getting the best grade in the class, I was looking at the exam and my stomach churned. I didn't remember any of it. I didn't remember the problems or the answers, even though obviously I had known them all well recently. A few more tests and I found that most of my memory in general from those three months was gone. Not to mention this loss of memory that is continuing.

I limped along, feeling like kicking something as my whole right side ached. Cramps started that day and a near crippling migraine blasted my right side continually. It was nearly the end of the month and the last roommate I had set up to look at the place just cancelled on me. I was to go to a meeting for a committee I'd forgotten I was even on. I lost the page of things I was supposed to remember that day, so I knew there'd be tons of things to deal with at some later time. The depression came back in full and in trying to find out what I could remember, I brought up a lot of memories I'd rather not. My nap was full of nightmares and my day was beset with flashbacks I couldn't seem to fight. I was hiding myself behind a cloak of happiness I didn't feel, spreading excitement to people when I felt so far removed from the concept.

In that moment, I didn't exactly show God my best side. I asked Him "why" without really expecting Him to answer. I'm not quite sure if I was first angry at God and that transferred to being angry with myself or if I was really angry with myself and put that into our relationship. Either way I knew they were connected. I told Him how I felt so alone in so many ways and how I felt like He was just becoming a fictional character that I'd read in a reputable book.

So, that night He spoke to me. Not audibly, but clearly. He said to take the whole day Tuesday off at least and that He'd make it work out (even though I was panicking due to lack of trust). I was still in the depression, but logic pointed out that even if nothing else happened, I really could use some sleep and physical healing.

After chorus that night, I did some homework and then sat down to pray. At first I tried to kneel, but that didn't work and with that, the frustration began to pour out. Honest prayers are quite usual for me and this one was no exception to that part. But the thing that changed was when I was done with all of my complaining and it was quiet for a while, He spoke back. He lead me through scriptures and books. He whispered to me and I brought every hard question I could think of to Him. I can't say I understood all of the answers and of the ones I did get, I didn't like more than two thirds of them. But He was speaking to me. And there weren't any pat answers. The healing continued through that night. There was rather a lot that He was leading me through, correcting a lot of the walls of safety I had put around myself to block Him out.

Then He told me to bring out that book He had me get on Saturday. I listened to Him and He was right. It was exactly what I needed at that moment. The whole day was spent reading praying and listening. Change happened. A whole lot of change. I fought with Him over things still. Like why would He let little children suffer? Why was He so hard to hear? Why did He have so many rules? Why did he let so much bad stuff happen? How could He love us? What balance is there supposed to be between our lives and time we spend in devotion to Him? How can we love someone, but be under obligation to try to change them? Why do some people get life so easy and others of us so hard?

And through that book and prayer and scripture, I got more than answers. (...how can I say it?) I guess I became best friends with Him. It's a relationship thing, where before it was a hierarchical thing. It's not like I don't question (in fact, I'm built to be that way) but now I feel safe to question. And funny enough, I don't think I would have recognized the best friendship thing had I not been blessed with something close to that here on Earth. It's that same thrill of the stomach and bouncing on the balls of your feet feeling that I get when I think about spending time with my best friends. Except, it's all the time.

I've cried over a lot of stuff. Which is quite strange for me. But it was the stuff He cried about.

By the time Wednesday came around, I was changed. Things were just as tough in so many ways, but they were better. Meaning that the experiences hurt, but now there's hope and purpose in that. Not to mention someone to share discoveries with, which makes the whole thing easier.

I would recommend "The Shack," but just as a warning, the front cover says, "Where tragedy meets eternity." And it does have some hard stuff in there. But real. Real pain and real healing, by the only One who really can.

Trained with Love

As I was walking with a friend this morning the subject of my dog, Benjamin's, training came up. She said, "I can see why you wanted him with you so bad. He's a really good dog."

I laughed and said, "Yes. With a good sense of humor too." I told her how I'd trained dogs before, but with Ben, I decided to train him with love. "You see, he will get off our favorite chair so I can sit, just because he loves me that much. Or when the dogs in our neighborhood started jumping their fences, Ben did too. The difference was when I went in the backyard, I'd call him and he'd jump back over to meet me while the other owners had to chase their dogs back in."

I thought of the last time it was tested. At the vet, Ben was getting shots. Dad was holding him, but Ben would still struggle to get out. Then we had me hold him down while Dad helped the vet look at his teeth and give him two more shots. As soon as I held him, I talked softly into his neck and wrapped my arms around him in a loose hug. He didn't move, though he was experiencing something terrible that he had no previous reference for. But since he knew I loved him with all my heart and only wanted the best for him always, he fought the panic and simply obeyed me and listened to my voice.

Later this morning, I was praying. Talking to God about these changes with the surgery and all the fears that have cropped up from the accident. I told Him that I didn't understand why and I had no previous reference for dealing with all this. But I also said I trusted Him and knew that He always wanted the best for me. And I sang, "So I will be still and know You are God."

The connection hit me after the prayer and I smiled. You know what that means? I was trained, not simply with obedience, but rather, with love. Trained with love. It means that even when I do wrong, He calls me and I come running back to Him. It means that when I put myself on our favorite chair (His throne) then I will empty it only for Him because I love Him just that much. It means that when I'm scared, He wraps His arms around me in a loose hug and speaks to me. And since I love Him, I will be still and listen to His voice.

Blessed

My heart has been overflowing with gratitude these past few days, but this morning it hit me especially hard.

First of all, there's walking. I've gotten the chance to relearn what it's like to wobble around on your own. Do you realize how utterly wonderful it is to take that first step? And then another and another! It's really, really amazing! This is a joy I'm glad to have experienced, even knowing the cost.

Then, this morning I realized I'd be seeing an old friend here tomorrow. I remembered back to who I was when she saw me in April. ...how different I was! During the following few months, I felt like I was on an accelerated spiritual learning track. And then I got hit and I found out that that acceleration could speed up. It was amazing how much I could learn in a very short amount of time about life, love, suffering, and humility. I feel so grateful that I was allowed to learn all of that. He really answered my prayer when I asked to follow Him and become more like Him.

And as I was singing that morning, it hit me what happened almost exactly a year ago during a similar singing time. Back last December, I was praying to know God's will for me and He answered it by letting me feel Him there with me. It's an indescribable experience that I've had twice in one year, that being the first time.
That's when I truly understood how good He is and how unmatched His love. I understood the Atonement better than I had (that one nearly blew me away) and I knew that it was a priceless gift I was totally unworthy of.

At that point, my heart felt like it would burst with thankfulness.
I've been so blessed!

"Christmas From the Heart"

Well, it was a pretty exciting day with this afternoon being Bridger Mountain Harmony Chorus's annual show, "Christmas From the Heart." We had three quartets, two choruses, two soloists, and a flute trio involved and it was a blast.

The chorus itself was fun. And I think that it was a wonderful last show for our retiring director. At least from where I was, it was the best we'd ever done on many of the songs. I was glad God answered that particular prayer of mine, that this be a great last show for her. She really deserves it.

Most exciting for me was honestly being a part of the flute trio with Carol and Emma. I've never done anything like that. Emma has been in band and Carol's been in tons of things, but the closest thing I've had was Gamelan and that wasn't even close to as exposed as a flute trio is. But during both pieces all I seemed to be able to do was smile inside. With flute, you can really feel the resonance between you and the other two flutes. And for someone as deeply affected by music as I am, it felt like an almost physical bond between us. One of harmony and melody intertwining, leaping, and flowing together. I was sad when it was over, but exhilarated for having done it. I sure do love those two. Just to think that two years ago, I'd never met Emma and hardly knew of Carol. Wow. God can't work pretty fast when He wants to!

Then, I also did one of the solo lead parts with the chorus accompanying me. That was amazing too, but with that one, it was God I felt close to. He used my voice and I sang as I can't remember ever singing in front of a crowd. It felt so loud and ringy. But all I could seem to think about was God and all He's done for me lately, especially with leading me to Him. People said it was good and I believe them, though I don't really remember because of what it was eclipsed by.

Overall, a wonderful experience. :)

Real Live Math Problem

Heh. So the yesterday in between bouts of physics homework, I realized that with Alli moving out in a few days, we needed to get the tabs between all of us settled.

If we call the Roommates A, J, C, and W, then the math is as follows:

Deposit needed paid back to A from C and W at 75 each. Next month's rent would be paid by C, so J and W needed to pay her 300 each. A needed to pay 10 days rent to the other three, which is 75 total, but then internet for the next month gets split and 22.29 is owed to J by C and W.

The additional parameter: Try doing this with the least amount of checks written only by J and W.

I finally got it down to a W->J check, J->C check, and J->A check. But honestly, that's the first real life puzzle I've had of that degree in a long time.

Eyesight

I've been struggling with the depression more and more lately. And having difficulties in my relationship with God. The unfortunate part of these two battles is that they're really difficult topics to bring up with anyone because I don't want to bring anyone down with me.

And yet even though I was trying to hide this change of heart, the things I heard myself saying to people had changed. My optimism was forced and my honesty was on the negative side.

Then, a few days ago, a friend said something that woke me up to how serious it was. After I pointed out the truth that, "Most of my life is spent on assigned torture of some kind. Physical therapy, homework, and even God's tests, though I don't know it beforehand."

She countered with, "But He also assigns pleasure."

The verses came to mind, "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is bad, then the whole body will be full of darkness." Matt 6:22-23

I nodded, humbled once more. My eye had become so bad that I was no longer even truly seeing all the blessings that God had been assigning. My body was full of darkness because I was choosing to not see properly.

Even in that moment, He was kind enough to send me someone to gently chide me and push me back towards the light. I smiled back at my friend and said, "Yes, He does. I know."

The battles keep raging every day, (no rest for the weary and all that) but the blessings never stop. And in fact, that makes it all the more amazing.

Before I was only focusing on the half truth that everything that happens is directed by God and will somehow be used for my future good. That was coming out in my talk of heavenly tests and God-assigned torture. But I needed to be reminded why.

The reason for all that is because he honestly, truly loves me more than anyone else ever could. His love is deeper than I can fathom. He's doing everything for my good not to shape me into something that's of worth to Him later on, but because He loves me now for who I am.

I don't want to be full of darkness anymore. It gives a new meaning to the words "God sighting." And it didn't escape my notice that the darkness didn't go away with the realization that my "sight" was bad, but the light started coming back into my heart after I prayed and made room for God again in my life. Setting my eyes on God. The best way to see and be filled with life.

No Longer Afraid

A lot of things have changed this year. But this morning a big one came pretty starkly to my attention.

Due to rides and all, I went with someone else to the early morning east wing service, instead of my usual afternoon west wing service. This switch changes two main things. One is the crowds are much bigger in the east wing and two is I didn't get to sit with the Kankelborgs.

For most of my life, I've been afraid of people. The bigger the crowd, the more afraid I was and also the more vulnerable/weak I was, the more afraid I was. I was pretty good at hiding it, but the terror was always there and real for me.

Then, just last year, for the first time in my life, I experienced what it felt like to not be utterly terrified of people. And that peace happened with Carol. I think I cared about her enough that if I focused on that friendship, I could ignore the crowds and not be afraid even while I was in them. Either way, she was a calming presence in the storm I'd been living in and I started learning over the next few months the beginnings of not fearing.

Then, long story short, I went to counseling for some things that needed dealt with at the root level. Transformations happened there. Enough that I think Carol, Pam, and I were all surprised by my progress. (God wasn't because He was the one changing and molding my heart.) Much of it was on dealing with fear.

During counseling I was so focused on growing and learning, I never actually stopped to realize how big the changes really were. In fact, it was only this morning that I really realized what changes have truly happened.

I was weak and vulnerable on my crutches and in a bigger crowd than normal without Carol's calming presence beside me. And as I stood there and waited for my ride to be done visiting, it hit me. I was in a crowd, but not afraid. In fact, I was totally at peace with people milling about me even though I was more vulnerable than usual. And it wasn't that I knew and trusted them. Since I wasn't in my usual service, I only knew the 5 musicians. Only months ago, less than that situation would have terrified me. But now my heart has been changed and the fruit is coming out.

I smiled at this. Now that I realize the boundary of fear that's gone, what would stop me from loving them all? I am free to get to know anyone. I am free to hug them if I choose to express love. I am free to shake hands and rub shoulders with people.

I'm no longer afraid!