This last week has been an amazing combination of disappointments and discoveries. On Saturday, I was out with a shop-a-holic and we went to an antique store. That was the first discovery, when I found myself drawn to a book. I didn't feel like spending money, so I kept on walking around the store, looking at all the other stuff, but 5 times I found myself standing next to the one bookshelf, looking at it. I took that as a hint and bought it. As I finally gave in and paid for "The Shack" it felt right, though I had no time to read it and I knew it.
Monday started out with realizing I had forgotten entirely to do a piece of important homework for an online class. I was disappointed in myself with that only to discover that I had completely forgotten several other things and nearly forgot quite a few more. Then I picked up an A+ exam from the end of last semester. AS the teacher congratulated me on getting the best grade in the class, I was looking at the exam and my stomach churned. I didn't remember any of it. I didn't remember the problems or the answers, even though obviously I had known them all well recently. A few more tests and I found that most of my memory in general from those three months was gone. Not to mention this loss of memory that is continuing.
I limped along, feeling like kicking something as my whole right side ached. Cramps started that day and a near crippling migraine blasted my right side continually. It was nearly the end of the month and the last roommate I had set up to look at the place just cancelled on me. I was to go to a meeting for a committee I'd forgotten I was even on. I lost the page of things I was supposed to remember that day, so I knew there'd be tons of things to deal with at some later time. The depression came back in full and in trying to find out what I could remember, I brought up a lot of memories I'd rather not. My nap was full of nightmares and my day was beset with flashbacks I couldn't seem to fight. I was hiding myself behind a cloak of happiness I didn't feel, spreading excitement to people when I felt so far removed from the concept.
In that moment, I didn't exactly show God my best side. I asked Him "why" without really expecting Him to answer. I'm not quite sure if I was first angry at God and that transferred to being angry with myself or if I was really angry with myself and put that into our relationship. Either way I knew they were connected. I told Him how I felt so alone in so many ways and how I felt like He was just becoming a fictional character that I'd read in a reputable book.
So, that night He spoke to me. Not audibly, but clearly. He said to take the whole day Tuesday off at least and that He'd make it work out (even though I was panicking due to lack of trust). I was still in the depression, but logic pointed out that even if nothing else happened, I really could use some sleep and physical healing.
After chorus that night, I did some homework and then sat down to pray. At first I tried to kneel, but that didn't work and with that, the frustration began to pour out. Honest prayers are quite usual for me and this one was no exception to that part. But the thing that changed was when I was done with all of my complaining and it was quiet for a while, He spoke back. He lead me through scriptures and books. He whispered to me and I brought every hard question I could think of to Him. I can't say I understood all of the answers and of the ones I did get, I didn't like more than two thirds of them. But He was speaking to me. And there weren't any pat answers. The healing continued through that night. There was rather a lot that He was leading me through, correcting a lot of the walls of safety I had put around myself to block Him out.
Then He told me to bring out that book He had me get on Saturday. I listened to Him and He was right. It was exactly what I needed at that moment. The whole day was spent reading praying and listening. Change happened. A whole lot of change. I fought with Him over things still. Like why would He let little children suffer? Why was He so hard to hear? Why did He have so many rules? Why did he let so much bad stuff happen? How could He love us? What balance is there supposed to be between our lives and time we spend in devotion to Him? How can we love someone, but be under obligation to try to change them? Why do some people get life so easy and others of us so hard?
And through that book and prayer and scripture, I got more than answers. (...how can I say it?) I guess I became best friends with Him. It's a relationship thing, where before it was a hierarchical thing. It's not like I don't question (in fact, I'm built to be that way) but now I feel safe to question. And funny enough, I don't think I would have recognized the best friendship thing had I not been blessed with something close to that here on Earth. It's that same thrill of the stomach and bouncing on the balls of your feet feeling that I get when I think about spending time with my best friends. Except, it's all the time.
I've cried over a lot of stuff. Which is quite strange for me. But it was the stuff He cried about.
By the time Wednesday came around, I was changed. Things were just as tough in so many ways, but they were better. Meaning that the experiences hurt, but now there's hope and purpose in that. Not to mention someone to share discoveries with, which makes the whole thing easier.
I would recommend "The Shack," but just as a warning, the front cover says, "Where tragedy meets eternity." And it does have some hard stuff in there. But real. Real pain and real healing, by the only One who really can.
