Eyesight

I've been struggling with the depression more and more lately. And having difficulties in my relationship with God. The unfortunate part of these two battles is that they're really difficult topics to bring up with anyone because I don't want to bring anyone down with me.

And yet even though I was trying to hide this change of heart, the things I heard myself saying to people had changed. My optimism was forced and my honesty was on the negative side.

Then, a few days ago, a friend said something that woke me up to how serious it was. After I pointed out the truth that, "Most of my life is spent on assigned torture of some kind. Physical therapy, homework, and even God's tests, though I don't know it beforehand."

She countered with, "But He also assigns pleasure."

The verses came to mind, "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be filled with light. But if your eye is bad, then the whole body will be full of darkness." Matt 6:22-23

I nodded, humbled once more. My eye had become so bad that I was no longer even truly seeing all the blessings that God had been assigning. My body was full of darkness because I was choosing to not see properly.

Even in that moment, He was kind enough to send me someone to gently chide me and push me back towards the light. I smiled back at my friend and said, "Yes, He does. I know."

The battles keep raging every day, (no rest for the weary and all that) but the blessings never stop. And in fact, that makes it all the more amazing.

Before I was only focusing on the half truth that everything that happens is directed by God and will somehow be used for my future good. That was coming out in my talk of heavenly tests and God-assigned torture. But I needed to be reminded why.

The reason for all that is because he honestly, truly loves me more than anyone else ever could. His love is deeper than I can fathom. He's doing everything for my good not to shape me into something that's of worth to Him later on, but because He loves me now for who I am.

I don't want to be full of darkness anymore. It gives a new meaning to the words "God sighting." And it didn't escape my notice that the darkness didn't go away with the realization that my "sight" was bad, but the light started coming back into my heart after I prayed and made room for God again in my life. Setting my eyes on God. The best way to see and be filled with life.

No Longer Afraid

A lot of things have changed this year. But this morning a big one came pretty starkly to my attention.

Due to rides and all, I went with someone else to the early morning east wing service, instead of my usual afternoon west wing service. This switch changes two main things. One is the crowds are much bigger in the east wing and two is I didn't get to sit with the Kankelborgs.

For most of my life, I've been afraid of people. The bigger the crowd, the more afraid I was and also the more vulnerable/weak I was, the more afraid I was. I was pretty good at hiding it, but the terror was always there and real for me.

Then, just last year, for the first time in my life, I experienced what it felt like to not be utterly terrified of people. And that peace happened with Carol. I think I cared about her enough that if I focused on that friendship, I could ignore the crowds and not be afraid even while I was in them. Either way, she was a calming presence in the storm I'd been living in and I started learning over the next few months the beginnings of not fearing.

Then, long story short, I went to counseling for some things that needed dealt with at the root level. Transformations happened there. Enough that I think Carol, Pam, and I were all surprised by my progress. (God wasn't because He was the one changing and molding my heart.) Much of it was on dealing with fear.

During counseling I was so focused on growing and learning, I never actually stopped to realize how big the changes really were. In fact, it was only this morning that I really realized what changes have truly happened.

I was weak and vulnerable on my crutches and in a bigger crowd than normal without Carol's calming presence beside me. And as I stood there and waited for my ride to be done visiting, it hit me. I was in a crowd, but not afraid. In fact, I was totally at peace with people milling about me even though I was more vulnerable than usual. And it wasn't that I knew and trusted them. Since I wasn't in my usual service, I only knew the 5 musicians. Only months ago, less than that situation would have terrified me. But now my heart has been changed and the fruit is coming out.

I smiled at this. Now that I realize the boundary of fear that's gone, what would stop me from loving them all? I am free to get to know anyone. I am free to hug them if I choose to express love. I am free to shake hands and rub shoulders with people.

I'm no longer afraid!

Loved For the Oddities

Last night was really amazing! Well, ironically I appreciated it so much more quite simply because of the night before's experience.

Thursday night I went to a group activity that was something I used to be a part of. It was true that the people there were nice as they knew how to be. But I wasn't looking for polite conversation and a social smile, I was looking for a connection and a laugh. It was strange because I'd remembered vaguely what that old group was generally like, but I had diminished it in my mind since I'd left. One of the big things was the struggle to utterly conform to a set of rules or placing so much value on what others think that you conform to what you think they want you to be. And then once you get there you get depressed because you feel boring and unoriginal, but otherwise you'd feel awkward and different, so you can't go back without a fight.

Then last night...:~) I went to a game night with my bible study and... (there were people there also that did not know me) I guess instead of being awed at how different I was, there was a general acceptance.

I know how to put it! They loved me for my weirdness instead of despite of my oddities. That was the big difference. And if I happened to be normal on something, they loved me for that as well. There was no pressure to conform. And no pressure to specifically try and be different. And on the other hand, I loved them for themselves. Odd, crazy, normal people that they are.

Weakness and Strength

Something difficult I've been dealing with this last week is how weak I have become. The first time I saw my left leg muscles atrophied...(I still feel embarrassed about this)...I went into shock. And I've been discovering this week some of the changes that my body has made. My left leg has little to no muscle left on the bottom part (I've been doing quad flexes for the top) where before, that was one of the strongest muscles in my body. I've started developing bruises on my hands and realized that that makes crutches near impossible, which makes it so that I can't even walk. I haven't been stretching like I used to so I've lost flexibility. I've lost so much muscle elsewhere too, that really where I used to pride myself on physical strength, it now would be laughable to try to claim such a thing despite my best efforts.

All this is true and I won't diminish it.

But then when I cannot go on, I stop to think and realize what all I've gained. Before this, I did pride myself on my strength. Ha. Now, I pride myself on His strength. When I'm at my weakest, I've noticed He uses me to do the most amazing things. Things like listening to people, cheering them up, giving them a chance to serve someone (which strange enough usually cheers them up), and often talking to them about spiritual matters.

Through all of this, I've become stronger in love. Both in giving and receiving. It takes a lot more humility than I before possessed to ask for help and receive it lovingly. I never knew before the bond that is formed from that connection either. And as for giving love, I've had almost more opportunity to help others than they have me (and that's saying a lot!). I also have more empathy and compassion, which I figure comes from God. By the world's standards it just doesn't make sense. Because by all means, I should be less forgiving at someone stubbing their toe while I hobble along, not more. I should not love the one who kicks out my crutches accidentally or automatically help them. I should be more concerned with my hurt because it's bigger. I guess that's why I see God in all this because logically my reactions don't make sense and they make even less sense when I feel like I did something deeply and utterly right.

But without becoming weak, this would not have happened. I wouldn't be leaning on His strength if I thought mine was sufficient. But as it is, realizing that I'm weak was the best thing that's happened to me because then I realized that no matter what His strength is the only unchanging and totally sufficient strength.

Waking Up

In reading a book, I was posed with a question I've never questioned before:

"What gets you up in the morning?"

For some it's their families, for some it's to make money, for some it's to learn at school, for some it's the gospel... Some use coffee, some use a mantra, some remind themselves of what they need to do...

I looked into this question more and it seems as though it is a widely perceived assumption that there does need to be a reason to get up in the morning. And that's the part I never knew about. For me, there doesn't need to be a reason to get up in the morning. Sometimes there is a special reason such as getting together with someone I enjoy being around, but most of the time there isn't.

Why does a child get up in the morning? I doubt most of them need a mantra or coffee or responsibility to tell them they can't keep sleeping forever. And most don't know about the gospel and aren't interested in earning money yet. Does there need to be a reason?

Once I get up, even on the bad days there are good things. I very rarely have regretted waking up and when I do, there's a direct reason to not get up like pneumonia.

That question then makes me think about others. Does everyone need a reason to get up in the morning? Is it just in our culture? Is it like needing a reason to be happy (another one I don't get)? Or is it just on hard mornings that people need a reason to get up? Or do I secretly have a reason of my own that I've had since childhood, so I just don't readily think about it?

Happiness

Well today was an exciting day!

After doing my chair exercises at physical therapy, Shannon brought me some crutches. Today was the day!! It was so freeing!! I stood up and then realized that I was allowed to do this, that I could really move on my own without wheels. I felt oddly tall, but overall just so grateful and happy. She cleared the floor and let me race back and forth across the entire physical therapy building. I had so much fun! It was hard not to go faster than allowed. I wanted to swing and do gymnastics stuff in the air right there, it felt so good!! Shannon commented that she didn't even have the heart to tell me to slow down. (Instead she mostly just walked beside me for safety.)

Then after a few critiques and a bit of stair training, I had to get back in the chair. But I still couldn't help but smile and think God's really good to me. And in that moment my gratitude for not being paralyzed was overwhelming. It never hit me before until I was allowed to have some mobility back what a gift it is.

Something funny happened in the p.t. area from that time, though. I noticed that everyone in the area brightened up.

Shannon first was excited for me and kept on commenting on how happy I was. One of the guys who just had a knee replacement clapped and cheered me on as I got to try really running around in crutches. Another patient lady just beamed at me to see me so happy and started doing her exercises with a lot more enthusiasm than she had a bit before then. The ladies waiting in the check in area laughed and smiled as I raced through and the receptionist said it was impossible not to be happy just watching my joy.

Christian (my regular therapist) then came over and said, "Jen. You made my day with that. Many of us don't even appreciate being able to walk, but here...you just had such joy in being able to stand and hop with crutches. Your face as you raced around the building! Well, Jen. I've got to tell you that this was definitely the best moment I've had in months."

I smiled and thanked him because I could feel God was using me again and I liked it. It was wonderful how He used my happiness to make others happy just by being around it. Christ's light was definitely shining through and I think that's what they saw. Though I don't think they consciously knew they were watching me in constant praise of the God who made me, but I think the insides of them knew anyway.

<----Taken right after my first walk outside in 5 weeks!

Fighting the Depression

To be honest, it's a war from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep and even throughout my dreams. Very few times do I feel like God spares me the fight (there are moments He does give me, though). Instead of taking the trial away, He leads me through it, not around it. And I'm actually kind of grateful for this.

I have to constantly push myself towards the light and false encouragement doesn't work. I can't fool myself by saying it's all just a fun puzzle to solve or that this all will be better tomorrow. Sometimes it really isn't better. I've had to use most of my ingenuity and optimism in this battle without the pat answers. Not only that, but I'm learning to face the facts and not be afraid or ashamed. Some mornings I tell God, “I'm in pain, feeling sick, and starting out tired, which precludes a very difficult school day. But You're with me, so you know what, I think with You there, I can do it. And since You always do Your part with blessing me with that amazing grace, I'll do my best to smile and at least make someone else laugh a bit.”

During the day, I fight to stay positive and I think because I have to fight for it, I appreciate it so much more than I ever did before. I find myself wishing I could run with the dog in the field or wishing I could avoid all of the awkward stares of people walking by, but I don't allow those thoughts to go through. I push my mind back to how amazing the clouds in the sky are and marvel at the cool arm muscles I've gained from this.

And the neat thing about learning how to do this fight is it works on other things too. I just have found that no matter what bad stuff happens around me, I still am pushing towards the light. And since the battles are honest, it really does work and I find that things don't ruffle me like they used to.

And another big surprise to me was this constant fighting of the depression has apparently helped others. This wasn't called to my attention (probably a good thing) until a few days ago. Someone just admitted to me today that they felt sheepish complaining about anything around me because something about me made it seem silly. And several others pointed out how I cheered them up. I don't remember doing that. I just feel like I'm desperately turning my thoughts to God and good stuff to avoid sinking down myself. Funny how He uses me even at my lowest points.