Measure of Growth

Well, finals are over and summer is here. I started back on at the Hilton and find it to be a great challenge in a lot of ways, but also really encouraging. You see, since I worked there almost one year ago, I'm able to tell how far I've progressed in so many ways.

First of all, it's a rather hard job. You get all sorts of crap from the guests, your coworkers, and unfortunately, most of all, your bosses. Then the pressure of the job itself is there.

One of the things I was well known for before was my good attitude, but it's nothing compared to now. Most of the coworkers that have mentioned it figure they just don't remember just how nice it was to be around me at work, but I know that my attitude has changed for the better. I have more patience, for one thing, even than I did then. I also have a wide array of puns and I'm not afraid to use them. :~)

My humility has increased since accepting Grace, which happened this last year. I feel that I can deal with a lot of things because I know what I've been given and how much I don't deserve it.

And at the same time, my confidence has shot up, but with out the usual co-virtue of pride. I just know that I am working harder and better and I have no fear of my supervisors like I used to. In other words, I've grown into myself. I am who I am and am not afraid.

Then physically. When I first started the Hilton, I was way out of shape and housekeeping got me into it. Then over this school year, between Carol and I's workouts, my own workouts, and the general workouts of life, I've grown in physical capability since even last summer. I didn't realize this because I'm always just pushing through things without thinking about what good they are actually doing for me.

But today, I rode my bike really fast for miles without breaking a sweat. Then I worked at 1.5 times the speed of a fast housekeeper for a full shift. Then I went on a hike with the Kankelborgs and was still energetic when we decided to head back. I even raced Emma (okay, so by race #7 I was admittedly getting tired) and won a few times.

Then when I was thinking about it, I realized that at the end of last summer I barely had the energy to do a shift as a regular speed housekeeper and then I'd walk home and rest. And then, to compare to when I very first started at the Hilton, walking the 3 miles to the Hilton exhausted me.

And the biggest change I've noticed is how "light" I am. I'm not afraid, for God is with me and now I know it. And I've got faith that He'll lead me where He wants me to go when it's time, so I'm willing to hand over my control to Him. So, no fear and willing to submit control to Someone other than myself.

And that's something I've never had in my life before.

So, this returning has felt like a measuring stick. There are plenty of challenges to my faith and plenty of opportunities to find if I will choose a truly "Christian" way in difficult circumstances.

And the cool thing is, I feel like I'm measuring up to who I want to be, given my human limitations, and I know God's got the rest.

Very Much Myself

It really started to hit me again when Jo-Anne came up to visit. She talked about how hard it was to go out in the real world and pretend to be who they wanted her to be all the time at her work and at school. My simple response was "don't then."

She was incredulous and asked how you could survive. I mean, people expect you to have tact and be polite and say all that stuff about your kids and the weather. And there will be consequences if you don't.

So, I thought about it. And finally understood what happens with me. I told her, "I always am exactly who I am and you know what, people get used to me. Not just in the tolerating way either, but really get to know what to expect and not expect. It's as if I don't see the rules of social stuff and because I believe they don't apply, well they don't."

She then asked about work. I'm a tutor and she wondered how I managed to be me and teach. You're apparently supposed to encourage and stuff like that, that I never got the hang of. Jo-Anne came and watched one session to see what it was like and get in a little math while she was at it. To give an example, right before Evelyn took her Calculus Exam, she complained, "Oh. I seriously feel like I am going to throw up..."

I clapped my hands together and said, "Yes! Finally!"

She looked at me and slowly asked, "You're...happy that I feel sick?"

I smiled and said, "Of course. You see, when you feel like you're about to throw up, it's often because you've studied so much that you can't take any more. So this means you're really, finally ready for the exam as we can get you. Go show 'em how it's done."

That was okay because Evelyn's my student, but what about my elders? People who have control over what happens to me?

Well, in juries. I filled out my forms just as I am. When it asked for student goals over the term, I said on one sheet, "sanity, breathing, and becoming a bigger voice without resorting to weight gain." Or what studies we emphasized this term, I responded, "Lots of voice stuff, working on high notes and middle notes, and a lot of buxom sort of "big mama" sounds."

As I got done with the singing and was walking back up to get the sheets, Dr. Aamot, with a sparkling smirk said, "Thank you, Jen. I didn't know that I could enjoy someone's jury sheets that much." I wasn't sure what he meant, but my pianist, knowing me, shooed me out immediately. Talk about getting used to me, she knew if I spoke then I'd embarrass us both and she was probably right. I found out later on that you're supposed to have more technical languages on those sorts of things and buxom was probably not the best choice of adjective.

And with my piano class. We decided to go out for coffee and when we got there, the only place that could seat the five of us, had one person already sitting at it. They didn't know what to do, so I said, "Well, isn't it obvious, well just find out if that lady minds us sitting by her and if she does we'll find somewhere else." Several protests began, stuff about socially awkward, but I didn't really notice since I was too busy asking the stranger if she minded. When I returned to the group and said she had said it was fine, someone in the group muttered, "Only you could get away with that, Jen. Only you..." But they accepted it.

And in Gamelan, when I started playing with the nine-year old. Well, the Mom for example apparently thought I was playing with her daughter to be nice. She said, "Thanks for watching Teresa. It frees me up to do other stuff." I looked at the Mom and said, "Oh, but I'm not really watching her. I think you might want to keep a look out, since I'm really just playing." Teresa beamed. I think until then she thought I was supposed to be supervising her. No. I just wanted to play. The rest of the Gamelan was used to me, so didn't find it strange anymore that I was crawling around in the grass or whittling a wooden flute. It's just "Jen" they say and get back to talking.

Several people this week have thanked me, though. It's been funny, but they've all thanked me in their own way for always being "very much myself." Through all the oddities and social awkwardness, they said that the could always count on me to be totally genuine. And one mentioned that it frees them up to be the same.

So, as my voice teacher sighs while I'm having so much fun on her ball, I forget to sing, or as my student rolls their eyes when I honestly say they were thinking totally wrong, but in a fascinating manner, or as Kim looks at a brightly colored, clashing towel and says, "It's on sale for a reason, but yeah, it fits you all right." Well, now I'm beginning to see. They find it (as one close friend so accurately described) "frustratingly endearing." And knowing that, I see a bit of the spiritual gifts I've been given.

Haha. And the biggest of those is really just to be "very much myself."

Way of Life

Wide Reflective Equilibrium.

It was the last subject we covered in Philosophy:Meta-ethics and an interesting way to end the class. Reflective Equilibrium is basically the idea of resolving cognitive dissonances in our lives into one workable whole. And Wide Reflective Equilibrium is doing that same thing but with bigger ethical systems instead of individual experiences.

It was an interesting way for him to end the class because of the last stuff he said and because it was him who said it. My philosophy teacher, like many philosophers, loves to attack ideas and beliefs, especially those ideas that rest on religion.

But this time at the very end of class, he talked about how you go out into the world and you learn things. You learn logic, morals, the way things are, etc, and they end up making an entire experiencial sort of system. Then say you also have this belief in Christianity. He said something like, "It's all right if that's what you believe. It's all right if you're an atheist, a Buddist, a satanist. I don't really care. But what I do care about is that you put those two systems together. That you live what you believe. And that is the whole point."

I thought about it and still am thinking about it. Then, this week's Sunday School lesson had a similar topic. It was the basic idea of "what would Jesus do." And I kept thinking.

And as I was thinking in the store the other day, I heard a guy come up beside me and start muttering, "Well, it's gotta be somewhere here..."

I looked over and said, "What does?"

The guy looked at me funny (probably because I was a stranger) and said some product, I don't remember what, but we were on the health/sickness aisle. We found it together and he said, "Aww man. That's way more than I thought it would be. Guess I'll go without this time."

I said, "Oh, well, I have some cash on me," and despite his initial protests, I reached in my pocket and said a little prayer. I had some different bills in there, so I asked Heavenly Father to put the right amount in my hand and I'd give it. Right after they guy admitted he needed about $4, I pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to him.

He responded, astounded, "Wow. Now I could get something to eat too. Thank you."

I nodded, smiled, and turned back to my own shopping, trying to remember what it was I'd been thinking about before. "Oh yeah. I was thinking about how I could make my way of life more in line with my beliefs," I muttered, putting a few things back on the shelf.

The irony didn't hit me until much later, until after I'd finished helping a Mom with her kid, played with a stray dog, listened to an old man, helping someone get onto the bus, gave my strawberries away to a hungry person, gave some people directions, and helped fix a bike chain.

It's a life style and Jesus was all about unexpectedly serving someone (well, it's unexpected for me anyway, though He knew it was coming).

Happiness is also on that morph list, I think. Tonight I played with a nine-year old, chased a dragonfly, made a wooden flute, ran barefoot in the grass, smiled at the sun, wondered at the clouds, laughed at the breeze, tried a new trick on my bike, read some of a good book... Oh and took quite a few finals and worked and stuff. All good.

Now, thinking about it...I guess that I do manage it. If life is made up of a whole lot of unthinking service and indulgent joy, then maybe I'm in balance. Not in control, hahaha, not at all. But I feel like my focus and my actions are heading in the same direction and it feels like the right one.

Lessons from Shut Doors

Tonight, a lot of great things happened at Bible study that were different from the normal routine. But one of the funnest parts for me was afterwards. Everyone packed up, except for four of us. We didn't plan it, we just weren't ready to leave, so the four of us stayed to be with each other.

It was fun. Like a group of friends... Oh, I guess they have become my friends. Not just like friends, they actually are my friends. (Not used to that yet) We talked serious and laughed and talked serious and laughed. But one of the serious subjects that came up was the path to my baptism. The groups had been talking about when to confront someone about faith and when to wait and not push. That's when I explained a little more of my story.

I told them how I'd been questioning for a long time. And sometimes I would begin to feel like I'd found the truth. I was so close and then I'd get chased off by what they'd say when the Lord didn't prompt them to speak. Things like, "You're wrong and going to Hell if you don't act fast," or "I'm glad you came, maybe we can get your whole family to see the light next." This happened time after time. Not just Christianity, but all sorts of religions. I'd feel like I was getting somewhere and then it was mercilessly stuffed down my throat.

And then on the other hand, there was Carol. It didn't come up immediately. I knew pretty quick that she was religious and was wary about our friendship. To be honest, I was trying to enjoy our time together before the stuffing religion down my throat routine began. But she didn't. She only spoke when she felt prompted to and in turn I found the truth without being scared off.

Then Jessica said, "Well, that makes me wonder. I mean God's obviously been shutting those doors over and over again before you were led to the right place. So, it'll be interesting to see what you are supposed to do with those experiences. What you were supposed to learn."

I paused to think for a second, but it came to me what one of the biggest lessons was. "Total acceptance," I said. "I knew what rejection was. I know what it's like to be shunned from a group over and over for stupid reasons. So, I don't do that to others. That's why my baptism was so controversial. I mean, I have friends in all faiths and they know how accepting I am, so they were afraid that that would change."

"Besides, I'm such a different creature, that I never really fit in any sort of conforming group. So, the result ended up being that everyone wanted me in their 'in' group. Go figure. I never understood it, but when we had us/them group problems at the hotels between the immigrants, Americans, and foreign exchange all of them included me as part of their group, even as they hated the other groups."

We laughed for a while afterwards about other things, but I continued to think about what all I'd learned from rejection. How I'd learned that love was the only thing that mattered. Especially Agape, or the unconditional stuff. And that who someone was mattered and who they projected they were didn't. And how if you ignore the lines, then they hold no power over you.

After all, love is God's power and nothing can beat that.

Water from a Fire-hose

Well, I feel a little overwhelmed. Not in a terrible way, but so much good has happened that I feel a little bit like I can't take any more. Women of Faith this weekend and then my baptism today.

As Carol says, it's like trying to drink water from a fire-hose. Water's good, but it's going to take me a little bit to process everything to the point of really drinking it in.

I've got to say though, today's choice felt SOOOO right! I knew that this was the right way for me. I felt...peace. And rightness. When I came up out of the water, it felt different. I guess part of what I felt was that the ceremony accented what had already happened inside of me instead of replacing it.

And the love I felt! And the happiness!!! Not just from me, but from God too. And from others. That was shocking to me, but each person that came up to say congrats...well, I thought about where they were coming from and knew their sincerity. And that in itself was amazing.

I felt so "not alone" that I hardly knew what to do. I've almost never felt so "not alone" like I did then. Christ is there with me, Carol was there with me, and many of my friends (woah...friends. They've become my friends!) were there with me.

It was a new experience. A true life glimpse of an emotion I once felt from a very special dream.

Love. I feel loved. So much, I can barely take it in. Like drinking water from a fire-hose.

The Time of My Life

Last night, I was a bit stressed with schoolwork, but came out to make some dinner (first meal of the day at 8pm). My roommate came out and we had a talk about school stuff. She naturally takes it really easy in school and life, leaving time to be lazy if she so chooses. A direct opposite of what I do all the time with enthusiastically piling too much stuff on my plate.

But there was one comment during the conversation she said that got me. Kim said, "I figure I'll take the fastest route of four years to get out of school. Then I can check 'get a degree' off my list of things to do. And once it's done, I'll be glad its over and then I can actually start my life."

"Check school off the list?"

This was a totally foreign thought to my current mindset. Back in high school, I had that attitude about school sometimes, but as I grew older that thought disappeared. There are some times I wish this degree was over, but more in the sense that I want to move on to the next degree. I was baffled that someone I knew would honestly want to do that to themselves. Kim even said she didn't really care what the degree was and doesn't really like the one she's doing.

So last night and this morning, whenever I could no longer bear the thought of writing about "primary and secondary values of subjectivity" my mind would wander back to these thoughts of life stages.

And it hit me really hard this morning how I will miss this time in my life when it's over. None of my peers discuss this fact. It's always how hard things are right now and how great it'll be when they're old and retired. And then I hear the older generation say that college was the "time of their life" and golly, they sure do miss it.

Kim wants to check “get a degree” off of her list as fast as possible, yet maybe that's why I act more like the second degree people. I am beginning to appreciate learning and this college environment I'm in. I enjoy listening to conversations of religion, economics, music, and math. I quite frankly love tutoring and would like to see about teaching.

It's true that I would love to be at Carol's current stage too. I'd love to have a family. To have a daughter to fight with, love, discipline, and make laugh. I'd love to have that one that I could share anything I wanted to with and laugh with. That deep, best friend love that ever deepens.

Yes, I'm really looking forward to that stage.

And at the same time, I'm happy with the stage I'm in. I recognize the stress (oh boy, do I!) and the pain and the struggles that never seem to end. But even seeing those, I know I'll miss these days when they're gone. And I know I'll be happy (and probably stressed) then too.

It makes me realize every moment God gives me is the "Time of My Life."

Little, Amazing Things

There were several, little good/cool things that happened yesterday, so I figured I'd write so of them here.

Yesterday we had an all day coaching session for our chorus. It was also the first time Carol was at chorus since her leave of absence, so December. :) Boy, I had forgotten how much fun it is to have her there! It was just the little things too. Like at break, over the past few months I've usually sat in a corner and then after a while forced myself to get up and join the crowd. This time, I was pleasantly surprised when Carol came over to where I was to show me something and then we had a fun time talking.

Then there were those moments where I could share in something. How do I say this... Like when we were both outside and found it funny that there was a giant, fake spider in the grass, or shock that someone could possibly not have a DVD player, or interest in a new phone app... I guess it's friendship and though I didn't fully realize it until she was back, I sure missed it.

Another little thing was at lunch-time I went outside and played on the swings and ran around and played soccer with myself and laughed at the sky. Those sorts of things that I do when I'm free. One time, as I was in the process of creating a snowdog, I looked back at the school and thought, "I wonder if I'm supposed to act more like everyone else." The thought hadn't occurred to me before. But then the Holy Ghost brought up an idea into my head. It was something along the lines that I am created as I am and that person is good.

Sometimes I doubt that, though.

Oh, as a side note, it was really, really nice when I went back in from my outside adventures, I was talking to Carol and asked if she wanted to come out and see the snowdog. I was a little shocked at myself, since I didn't mean to ask. It just sort of came out.

Then later on that day as I was thinking about that cool concept that I was created to be exactly who I was that another neat thing came up. I specifically was thinking about my weaknesses and was wondering if those were a part of me. I tried remembering the scriptures about that He will make the small things great and use our weaknesses. Then, as if in answer to my thoughts, the coach told us a quote.

"If you think you don't have rhythm, put your hand over your heart."

I smiled. Rhythm was just one of the weaknesses I'd been thinking about and it felt like an answer. I know it's not what she said, but it reminded me better than anything else, that He will give me everything I need. All I need to do is trust Him.

Yesterday was full of little, amazing things like that.