But I tried to stand again and ended up with the same result. I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Stop." But I wasn't ready to give up.
Then I decided to do it no matter what. I got much farther than before, but my body just wasn't having it and I ended up just throwing up and being more miserable than before.
It was as I was sitting there, weak and shaky that I thought angrily, "What do You want from me? Why can't I just do this on my own? I don't want help."
Then I heard the Holy Spirit order, "Slow down!" And a moment later, when I'd finally stopped fighting that, I got another lesson from the best teacher there is.
He told me some things through my heart and I knew with a surety that what I had been doing was wrong. Not the fighting, but that I refused to sit still and listen. I was filling my time with things that didn't matter so much and forgetting to listen to the Lord. Sure, I prayed. I talked to Him. But at times where I need Him most, I was doing everything but listening to the very voice I needed.
Looking at it in that silence, I knew why. I finally have made the step in telling people I'm getting baptized as a Christian. It's been really hard and finally I just didn't want to deal with it. So I filled my days so full that sleep was dreamless when I finally got it. So full I didn't have to feel.
That's the part I got wrong. And anything less wouldn't have stopped my forced busyness. I had to be stripped of all my strength to do the things that I needed to do in order to realize that not much of it was truly needed. At least not compared to what I was trading it for.
I made it back to bed, took a sick day, and listened to a lot of things my Father wanted to tell me. Things that I truly need to know.
And now I'm truly grateful for his mercy in making me so sick. For my spirit had needed healing.
