A Happy Thanksgiving

Well, yesterday was an amazing day, I've gotta say.

Carol had invited me over to join in their Thanksgiving dinner, which I already figured would be fun. I also wanted to help with the preparations in order to help, be around Carol, and learn a lot of things I'll need to know at some point.

She said I could and that she'd pick me up, but that's when I realized there was an even better way to start my Thanksgiving. I declined and told her I'd walk.

And boy was it a wonderful walk! I went hopping through the untouched snow for a few miles, watched a herd of deer, got to see the geese migrating South, read a really good book, sang as loud as I wanted, traced the crystal patterns on the edge of a river, played with some dogs, and most of all, felt the freedom and joy of life! All in about 8-9 miles that morning. I'll admit, I was pretty tired by the time I got to Carol's and am really feeling all that off-trailing in my legs today.

And the time over at Carol's... well, I thought I was dreaming for half the time, everything was so wonderful. The back and forth teasing, the spirit and livelihood, and the friendship/kinship I get from Carol just by being around her. In fact, I was usually able to be useful because of that bond. She didn't ask me to do much, but I was able to tell what she needed done. I guess I like that feeling of not being told, but being able to actually be helpful.

I spent some time bonding with Emma and getting her to interact more with the rest of us. And get used to me again. One strange thing about that time period was Carol pointing out that Emma and I had acted like sisters from the start. I wanted to respond, "Yeah, and so did you and I, Carol," but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate, even though we do... Well, I guess we act more like best friends than sisters. Better at reading each others' minds and a little less fighting.

I also got to interact with Charles quite a bit more this time... To be honest, it's a little painful for me to since the more I find out about him, the more real he becomes and the more I long for my own "life-long best friend." Watching him and Carol interact is really nice. Can't explain it, but the playful teasing, the little battles of will and wit, and the laughter, oh and especially the teamwork. It's not seamless, but it's sure better than anything I've seen before. I guess they resonate.

On the ride over, I got Kim to start opening up and being talkative so that she would be that way for the dinner. Just takes a little for to break the ice, but once you do, she's really social. I also had asked Kim for a special favor before we left our apartment. She wanted to come, but she was saying she wasn't sure how long she wanted to stay. I was really sad to hear this, but then asked her if she wouldn't mind staying longer for me and Carol. She hesitated, so I knew she thought about it, but agreed eventually.

Once she was there and saw Carol and I interacting with each other in the no-words-but-real-understanding way, I could tell Kim understood why I wanted to stay. And I was grateful for that.

It's not as though Carol and I were alone or ignoring everyone. I think we each did an admirable job in including everyone else. But there were still plenty of moments that were "just ours." Where she'd say something or I'd say something and we'd glance at each other with a perfectly timed, knowing look.

Overall it was wonderful. And we stayed until all of us were close to falling asleep, so we all were getting kinda dorky. Felt just like a family.

Oh, that's another thing that was great. I felt so happy when I was there helping out and all three members of the family said I was a part of the family. Nothing against my own, but I never felt like I fit into it like this. I love my family members like friends and treat my friends like family, I guess.

Resonance

Learned something in Physics. Or rather learned an old concept with the Physics perspective. And upon looking at it in the new way, I understood even another viewpoint.

We were discussing the topic of resonance. From my musical background, I already knew that it was a way in which waves combined to produce a bigger sound.

But in the lecture for Physics, he said it in a way that made me think. He showed us a rope hanging between two poles. Along the rope were quite a few tennis balls hanging from strings of varying lengths. He asked us if he were to start one swinging which one of the others would have the greatest angular velocity after a moment.

Most of the class assumed that the ball hanging from the shortest string would move the fastest since the energy required to move a certain angle was less, but that wasn't the case.

It was the one that was the same length as the original ball to be filled with energy. Not the shortest or middle or longest.

He told the class, “You see, the amount of distance doesn’t matter, it’s the coordination between the two systems in question. The one similar in nature will receive the most energy from the original. And soon enough do you know what will happen?” He waited for a moment as we watched the second ball's velocity increase and then told us what was happening. “The second system will receive energy from the first and will then be the one to supply energy to the entire system as the first had done.”

And that’s when I understood! That’s the concept of real friendship. Two people resonate, becoming more than they ever could. They supply energy to others, switching off continuously. It’s basically what God does to us. And it’s the best way I can describe my best relationships. It’s what I see in those beautiful marriages, the ones that have something I know a lasting relationship needs.

It’s as if they push each other at just the right moment and before you know it, the system accelerates. That's why if you give energy in those sort of things you get it back. Now I understand!

Two Big Changes

I can't believe how my life has changed in just this last little bit!

Two large things have happened in these past few months that have changed my life completely and both for the better. I finally truly get the concept of grace and I have a true friend. Well, I guess I have two counting Christ. =D

I feel the light inside me from the first, changing my life and how I live it. The spiritual knowledge I'm gaining is scintillating in my mind even as the light explodes from my spirit. Things still happen, and golly, life is still hard, but I understand the big picture better now.

There's so much to say on this part, but a lot of it's so immense and emotional that I'm not going to attempt to put it into words right now.

And then the second part... I always dreamed what this would be like, but though my dreams were grand and amazing, they simply pale in comparison with the real thing. I thought I understood friendship before now, but how little I really knew...

It's different somehow with Carol and I then what I had experienced before. I suppose that others, I have played the hero and loved and cared for, but learned to expect very little from in return. I enjoyed helping them, so I called it friendship and it was I guess...

Maybe this needs a different word then because it's nothing like that. With her, I feel like I can expect as much as I can give. Not just in gifts or time or encouragement, but in love itself. She teaches me and sometimes I think I teach her. At least, I know we are "competing" buddies and that's not just one sided.

When we hike, I push myself and I can see she does the same. The last time we even stopped at the same time (I was perhaps slightly more worn out, but no way to be sure).

I don't feel as though I've got to hold back. She understands my questions' intentions and she accepts both my weaknesses and strengths. I don't feel embarrassed around her for my talents or my knowledge, but rather spurred on.

And the laughter... :~) Oh boy, does she make me laugh. And vice versa. We share wisdom and wit back to back. And I just realized that she actually follows along with me. I mean, most are thrown off by that double meaning stuff. Heh, but then again most people can't have two entirely separate conversations with the same person at the same time and that happened pretty early on in our friendship.

I think that was before I really realized what was happening here and what I was getting into. ;)

And this last time she left... I had quite a bit of a harder time than I expected. Things just weren't the same without that one person there. I mean, I still functioned and I still had spirit and stuff. It just felt like I was constantly wishing for something.

When she came back and we saw each other at rehearsal, it was all I could do to wipe the goofy smile off of my face. And she was mighty talkative. In fact, at the end she started laughing so hard she couldn't stop. I haven't seen her do that in a rehearsal before.

Maybe Vonnie and Nancy are right: Perhaps I'm really not the only one being changed by this friendship.

Saturday with a Friend

It's a little delayed, but I figured I wanted to write a few thoughts on last Saturday's activities. More of a journal entry than analyzing and learning from it.

The chorus had a performance fairly early that morning and with how it worked out Carol and I both ended up being passengers in another person's car. I honestly am still afraid that she really is just putting up with me half the time and one of these times I'm going to push her away accidentally. So, during that time and the performances, I tried to be extra careful to not to be clingy or a stalker or whatever else I'm afraid of.

I think I managed it. Once, she came over and played at one of the demonstrations with me and we had a blast, but over all, we were around other people.

It was afterwards, though, as we were getting stuff out of the trunk and preparing to go home, that I let out that I really wished I could spend the day with her. Whether she noticed or had the thought herself, I don't know, but she soon invited me to come over to her place for a while. A chance I absolutely jumped at.

It was a day I won't soon forget.

Carol was nice enough to let me wear some of her outdoors clothes (we didn't stop off at my place and I was still in chorus costume) and we talked and laughed for a while while Emma changed. In fact, she even came out and complained that "you two laugh too much. It's gotta be bad for your health." At which, Carol and I could not stop laughing. It felt wonderful to just be around Carol and by the way she was acting, she liked being around me too.

The three of us went out to see the pile of leaves Carol had raked up, which as Carol had previously warned me, was not very big. When Emma saw it, she said, "Hmmm... So Mom. Am I allowed to jump in it?"

Carol nodded and looked at the two of us, saying, "Sure. But you'll have to fight Jen over it."

Emma and I looked at each other, daring the other to move and within moments, I dove into the pile right before she could manage it, throwing leaves at my opponent. Emma was shocked that I was competitive enough and fast enough to win, but Carol didn't seem surprised in the least. Within seconds we were having a war of leaves, throwing, chucking, stuffing down each others' shirts...the whole three-way free for all, with every bit of teaming up and backstabbing you'd expect. It was more fun than I'd had in about 6 years.

We raked leaves, did a few things, had lunch (yummy, cast-iron cooked quesadillas), and it was as Carol was burning a DVD of chorus stuff for me, that I commented, "Oh cool. You have Garage Band! I haven't played around with that program in quite a while."

She told me that she'd been meaning to play around with it and learn how to use it for a while now, to which I responded that then was as good as a time as any, considering she had an official music tech geek sitting right next to her.

So for the next while, we played. I don't think I was too much help except in pushing her to do it and hardware-wise knowing the only cord she needed to get and how to hook it up. But it was fun watching her learn and play. Then we listened to some of the stuff her nephew(I think?) writes, including a movie score. It was a lot of fun anyway, though I had this childish wish to show her that I could do that stuff too. Som part of me wanted her to be proud of me too, but I suppressed that and enjoyed listening to her talk about him.

We then went back outside and worked on landscaping (Emma had gone on a long bike ride when she saw Carol and I playing on a new program on the computer). Carol didn't have much hope of finishing the project, but I was enthusiastic (and accidentally once there a little too enthusiastic) and she really got into it too. Then Emma came home and kept coming outside to see us and then back inside and outside. Finally, she came over and asked, in a twelve-year-old fashion, if she could help too since we were having so much fun.

Carol and I laughed inwardly, but her help was much appreciated. The three of us worked steadily for a few hours and by the time it was time to head out, we had far surpassed Carol's original idea of what we could get done before the snow hit. (As a side note, she invited me to come and help out at her place in spring if I ever wanted to, to which I firmly agreed. It's mostly just that I really like spending time around Carol, but I do really enjoy physical work as well.)

It's hard to put into words the emotions of joy I felt that day. I guess... I guess I've always felt so alone, but when I'm with Carol, that's lifted. It's true that there's a lot we don't know about each other and in fact, we haven't known each other for all that long. But there's something there... maybe it's just friendship... that feels so good, it makes my life and who I am better, just by feeling it.

I wonder if she ever feels the same way or has felt this way before.

Illogical Happiness

It’s strange. And in a good way.

I guess I was given peace or perspective or something.

It feels as though I have all the reasons to be stressed. I’m running around like crazy and not quite sure I’m going to make it on a lot of accounts. I don’t get to sleep much and still there’s so much I can’t get done.

I should be panicking, but somehow, I’m not. I get it, though. I get the fact of what depends on these upcoming exams. And yet… I just feel at peace. I feel happy, though I’m not sure why.

There are a lot of things to be happy about. I’ve always had the gift of optimism, but nothing that has really changed since last week.

I just don’t get emotions, I guess. Somehow I think everything has to be in the realms of purely logical. Kind of funny when I don’t expect everything to be understood by the spirit or by the emotions. I need to look at that imbalance.

Still, for right now, I don’t mind the peace I’m receiving so freely and am perfectly content to indulge the urge to smile at the changing leaves while furiously fighting my workload.