I've started to come to terms with the
fact that this semester was not what I expected it to be. I suppose I
expected to grow more perfect. And I'd come back with perfect grades
and a perfect, shining love for God that would radiate for all to
see. (Oh, and skinny and toned and full of stories of missionary
work.)
How terribly proud.
So much is different when you go to a
different school in a different country. Not only what they've
learned is different, but how they learn and teach and grade is
different. I didn't expect that much, I suppose and haven't handled
it great. I am learning loads of new educational skills for the way
home, but they are not the ones I expected.
I've learned computer programs and
problem applications. I've learned new ways of solving things and
different points in calculus. I've learned about lab reports and
experiment design.
I've found I can teach dance (all my
old friends can pause here to laugh) and I'm becoming a better
photographer. I'm finding the wonder in gazing at the stars and I'm
finding that I'm really everyone's “granny” when my friends
aren't the wise, old sages that I tend to hang out with.
And I've found that I'm unique, both good and bad, wherever I go. Believe me that the looks are the same when I run into icy cold water, laughing and splashing, even two and a half thousand miles away. :)
In reality, I have begun to learn about
the power and pain of love and friendship. It is more precious than I
had realized even with Carol. Part of that is I didn't realize that
each friendship is so utterly unique. I would say that I love Carol,
Jo-Anne, and Megan equally, but never would I say I love them the
same. And I suspect that even if I made a dozen close friends over my
lifetime, I would never think of one as the same as another. But I
also realize that the closer you get to someone, the more goodbye
rips at you. It's an incredible gift, but not one to be held too
tightly or it can't soar.
I've learned that it's hard to be
Christian and we can be just as crazily fanatic as anyone else. I've
learned that logical arguments only go so far and most of us are too
stubborn to just love the person that we believe is wrong.
I've learned that Christ promised
trouble and life's unfair and someone loving and Christ-like can grow
old alone and desperate. I've learned that prayers can be answered
and miracles had. But I've also begun to see the hard way that the
real miracle is not always the same as what a faithful servant prays
for. It reminded me how we had prayed for Mary Ellen to be cured. She
wasn't cured of cancer and died. But she became friends with God
before she went. And that helped me in my journey later on to know
Him. So, was there a miracle? Yes, but not the one we had prayed for
with utter faith.
I expected to become some great
missionary. Well, ha. I've learned a lot since thinking that thought.
It's true, I'm turning people towards Christ wherever I can, but
usually God just takes it and does with it what He wants. The point
is not becoming a Great Student, but rather a good student of a Great
Teacher. I'm starting to get that I am not in control as I'd like to
be. And I'm starting to realize that is okay.
Yes, this trip was not what I expected
at all. But it is good. Good in that God way that leaves me
pleasantly surprised no matter how well I try to get to know Him.
