It's happened quite a few times now.
First I saw a friend from choir at intervarsity and he told me that my blog posts and facebook posts had been really uplifting. I kinda figured he was just being nice, but expressed my surprise anyway. It seemed odd for him to make such a claim, after all, I wrote stuff like "I've been fighting depression" and "it hurt more than I thought possible." He still maintained that it was inspirational, but I didn't get it.
Then at bible study, I was saying, "I understand that. It's really hard not to be depressed when you can't move. I mean, I remember when I could first walk with crutches, it was like a cloud was lifted off me. I was happy again."
One of the girls I've become close to in there said, "But you were always happy."
I was confused. How could they not see it? Both of these people are perceptive, so how could they miss my sadness and my internal battles against giving up?
It was strange, but that was another thing to come up in the multiple talks from wise people I got this week. Many have said I'm optimistic, hopeful, and never lose my smile in the hard times.
And then I realized how this could be. I may let down my smile, but people remember that I kept fighting. That's what my friends tried to tell me. It's that I don't sugar-coat what's happening, but I say, "I've been fighting this sadness," not "I wish I was happy." They remember the fact that there was a fight, they see what it is I'm fighting and then remember that afterwards, I'll laugh and smile.
It came up again tonight when I told someone to stop worrying. She laughed and said, "Jen, I'm not like you. I can't face your demons with grace from who knows where and come out victorious. I worry when I hear the word surgery. I care what people think. I panic when the world is crashing down. I just don't have your optimism."
Even Kim, my long time roommate to which I can say I share very few qualities with, said that, "Well of course you're happy. I've seen you get hit by a truck, go through surgeries, and still positively beam when you see a soap bubble in the sink of dirty dishes."
I pointed out that she had seen me when I wasn't quite so chipper.
Kim said, "Yes. You have your nasty moments and pushy moments. Good thing too or I'd think you weren't human...even more than I do now."
It's so strange to think of since it's a quality I had considered unattainable for someone as left brained and logic based as I was and am. Yet, it was a combination of logic and faith that gets me through things. Maybe that's really the optimism perceived. It's trust in God and that there's something better than all this.
