It's amazing what can happen in such a short time. On Sunday, I was so depressed. That morning I had found out for certain what I had feared before, much to my disappointment, that the hospital stuff is not over. I will need to go back for the hip several times more and there is a real possibility that I could have to have painful surgeries frequently for the next while. Things felt so unfair. Why was it that so much pain and suffering and just plain bad luck could happen to me when I tried so dang hard? I asked the question I never really questioned much, even during the accident:
"Why me?"
Life felt out of control. I knew a while ago I needed to slow down, which is a pretty hard concept for me. And I had actually managed to do so, but things kept being piled on, so that despite slowing, I didn't have the free time I needed. I also felt so alone. I didn't have much time to give to my friends and they were busy too. I didn't feel like I could really ask for help. So, I wondered what I was supposed to do. Hold on and fight even harder, more stubborn than ever before? Or give up and just let go of everything?
There were two things that the Holy Ghost whispered to me after that very long day. The first really hit me, since it had been a while since I heard Him so clearly.
"Slowing down is not giving up."
I thought about it and realized that I had decided in my own mind that I was a failure for slowing down. The reminder was much needed at this time, so I knew the answer was not to let go of everything, at least not in the way I thought of it.
Still, everything was so crazy. I tried and tried, but it was all too much for me to handle. Then I understood the next statement to be simply, "You are not in control."
Oh...
I realized that I had put myself in the center of my little universe and was getting angry that I wasn't very good at being my own deity of it.
So, was I to hold on tighter? No. Not to my throne. I needed to back off and have patience enough to trust that God can be a god so much better than I can. But at the same time, I wasn't to give up. Trusting God is no passive thing. At least not in my life. Some can trust Him pretty easily, but I question, doubt, and give in to stubbornness on quite a regular basis, so it's a battle just to give it up to Him.
That night, when I finally got it, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. I wasn't in control. ...phwew...
And in the morning, life was crazy once more, but thankfully, I wasn't in charge of it. He is.
