It's amazing how the more you slow down, the faster you can learn. I teach this with my students by telling them to slow down and learn things right slowly rather than to only halfway understand all the material. I also know this works in canoeing and kayaking. A slow steady stroke always gets you the furthest. Who knew it works spiritually too?
In response to this strictly enforced bed rest deal, there's been a lot of learning going on. You see, the way it worked out, I got to see two people each day. One in the morning, one in the evening. Always different people. And by the time they came, I wanted to get out some energy in the only way I could figure was allowed: Games. And the funny thing about board games and card games and sharing meals is you end up inevitably talking to the person. And if you're not careful, you might learn something.
There have been a lot of really good lessons, but one I wish to share is part of one that I had with a friend of mine on Saturday.
It came up between us about big changes that had happened to both of us, being newer converts especially. Deep changes God put on us about what it is we wanted in life.
I finally got to express something that had been forming for a while now. I've been blessed with so many amazing people around. Like a single friend that would foster a troubled teen boy, or some friends that would go on missions, or friends that are learning to be pastors and counselors, or friends that spend a lot of their time in teaching bible studies. I feel blessed to be around all of them, but also left out.
Each time I talk to them, they say that God called them to it and I can tell that they mean it. And yet, when I pray, I haven't heard Him call me to any of those things. I told my friend on Saturday that it felt like all of these people had "noble" callings or spiritual callings, but not me. I wanted one too.
My friend wisely brought up the "body of Christ" imagery and said that she had to remind herself that we are not all eyes, though we might want to be. The body is made up of all sorts and remembering that is key.
That made me think all right. It also made me remember a a quote from Joni Eareckson Tada talking about praising God and saying if it was her call to praise Him from a wheelchair, she'd just praise all the louder.
It humbled me a lot to realize that what I'm going through right now...that is my calling. And it may not be noble, but it's where God wants me to be. And I can rest in that.
2/26/2012
2/14/2012
Not In Control
It's amazing what can happen in such a short time. On Sunday, I was so depressed. That morning I had found out for certain what I had feared before, much to my disappointment, that the hospital stuff is not over. I will need to go back for the hip several times more and there is a real possibility that I could have to have painful surgeries frequently for the next while. Things felt so unfair. Why was it that so much pain and suffering and just plain bad luck could happen to me when I tried so dang hard? I asked the question I never really questioned much, even during the accident:
"Why me?"
Life felt out of control. I knew a while ago I needed to slow down, which is a pretty hard concept for me. And I had actually managed to do so, but things kept being piled on, so that despite slowing, I didn't have the free time I needed. I also felt so alone. I didn't have much time to give to my friends and they were busy too. I didn't feel like I could really ask for help. So, I wondered what I was supposed to do. Hold on and fight even harder, more stubborn than ever before? Or give up and just let go of everything?
There were two things that the Holy Ghost whispered to me after that very long day. The first really hit me, since it had been a while since I heard Him so clearly.
"Slowing down is not giving up."
I thought about it and realized that I had decided in my own mind that I was a failure for slowing down. The reminder was much needed at this time, so I knew the answer was not to let go of everything, at least not in the way I thought of it.
Still, everything was so crazy. I tried and tried, but it was all too much for me to handle. Then I understood the next statement to be simply, "You are not in control."
Oh...
I realized that I had put myself in the center of my little universe and was getting angry that I wasn't very good at being my own deity of it.
So, was I to hold on tighter? No. Not to my throne. I needed to back off and have patience enough to trust that God can be a god so much better than I can. But at the same time, I wasn't to give up. Trusting God is no passive thing. At least not in my life. Some can trust Him pretty easily, but I question, doubt, and give in to stubbornness on quite a regular basis, so it's a battle just to give it up to Him.
That night, when I finally got it, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. I wasn't in control. ...phwew...
And in the morning, life was crazy once more, but thankfully, I wasn't in charge of it. He is.
"Why me?"
Life felt out of control. I knew a while ago I needed to slow down, which is a pretty hard concept for me. And I had actually managed to do so, but things kept being piled on, so that despite slowing, I didn't have the free time I needed. I also felt so alone. I didn't have much time to give to my friends and they were busy too. I didn't feel like I could really ask for help. So, I wondered what I was supposed to do. Hold on and fight even harder, more stubborn than ever before? Or give up and just let go of everything?
There were two things that the Holy Ghost whispered to me after that very long day. The first really hit me, since it had been a while since I heard Him so clearly.
"Slowing down is not giving up."
I thought about it and realized that I had decided in my own mind that I was a failure for slowing down. The reminder was much needed at this time, so I knew the answer was not to let go of everything, at least not in the way I thought of it.
Still, everything was so crazy. I tried and tried, but it was all too much for me to handle. Then I understood the next statement to be simply, "You are not in control."
Oh...
I realized that I had put myself in the center of my little universe and was getting angry that I wasn't very good at being my own deity of it.
So, was I to hold on tighter? No. Not to my throne. I needed to back off and have patience enough to trust that God can be a god so much better than I can. But at the same time, I wasn't to give up. Trusting God is no passive thing. At least not in my life. Some can trust Him pretty easily, but I question, doubt, and give in to stubbornness on quite a regular basis, so it's a battle just to give it up to Him.
That night, when I finally got it, I felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. I wasn't in control. ...phwew...
And in the morning, life was crazy once more, but thankfully, I wasn't in charge of it. He is.
2/10/2012
Optimistic
It's happened quite a few times now.
First I saw a friend from choir at intervarsity and he told me that my blog posts and facebook posts had been really uplifting. I kinda figured he was just being nice, but expressed my surprise anyway. It seemed odd for him to make such a claim, after all, I wrote stuff like "I've been fighting depression" and "it hurt more than I thought possible." He still maintained that it was inspirational, but I didn't get it.
Then at bible study, I was saying, "I understand that. It's really hard not to be depressed when you can't move. I mean, I remember when I could first walk with crutches, it was like a cloud was lifted off me. I was happy again."
One of the girls I've become close to in there said, "But you were always happy."
I was confused. How could they not see it? Both of these people are perceptive, so how could they miss my sadness and my internal battles against giving up?
It was strange, but that was another thing to come up in the multiple talks from wise people I got this week. Many have said I'm optimistic, hopeful, and never lose my smile in the hard times.
And then I realized how this could be. I may let down my smile, but people remember that I kept fighting. That's what my friends tried to tell me. It's that I don't sugar-coat what's happening, but I say, "I've been fighting this sadness," not "I wish I was happy." They remember the fact that there was a fight, they see what it is I'm fighting and then remember that afterwards, I'll laugh and smile.
It came up again tonight when I told someone to stop worrying. She laughed and said, "Jen, I'm not like you. I can't face your demons with grace from who knows where and come out victorious. I worry when I hear the word surgery. I care what people think. I panic when the world is crashing down. I just don't have your optimism."
Even Kim, my long time roommate to which I can say I share very few qualities with, said that, "Well of course you're happy. I've seen you get hit by a truck, go through surgeries, and still positively beam when you see a soap bubble in the sink of dirty dishes."
I pointed out that she had seen me when I wasn't quite so chipper.
Kim said, "Yes. You have your nasty moments and pushy moments. Good thing too or I'd think you weren't human...even more than I do now."
It's so strange to think of since it's a quality I had considered unattainable for someone as left brained and logic based as I was and am. Yet, it was a combination of logic and faith that gets me through things. Maybe that's really the optimism perceived. It's trust in God and that there's something better than all this.
First I saw a friend from choir at intervarsity and he told me that my blog posts and facebook posts had been really uplifting. I kinda figured he was just being nice, but expressed my surprise anyway. It seemed odd for him to make such a claim, after all, I wrote stuff like "I've been fighting depression" and "it hurt more than I thought possible." He still maintained that it was inspirational, but I didn't get it.
Then at bible study, I was saying, "I understand that. It's really hard not to be depressed when you can't move. I mean, I remember when I could first walk with crutches, it was like a cloud was lifted off me. I was happy again."
One of the girls I've become close to in there said, "But you were always happy."
I was confused. How could they not see it? Both of these people are perceptive, so how could they miss my sadness and my internal battles against giving up?
It was strange, but that was another thing to come up in the multiple talks from wise people I got this week. Many have said I'm optimistic, hopeful, and never lose my smile in the hard times.
And then I realized how this could be. I may let down my smile, but people remember that I kept fighting. That's what my friends tried to tell me. It's that I don't sugar-coat what's happening, but I say, "I've been fighting this sadness," not "I wish I was happy." They remember the fact that there was a fight, they see what it is I'm fighting and then remember that afterwards, I'll laugh and smile.
It came up again tonight when I told someone to stop worrying. She laughed and said, "Jen, I'm not like you. I can't face your demons with grace from who knows where and come out victorious. I worry when I hear the word surgery. I care what people think. I panic when the world is crashing down. I just don't have your optimism."
Even Kim, my long time roommate to which I can say I share very few qualities with, said that, "Well of course you're happy. I've seen you get hit by a truck, go through surgeries, and still positively beam when you see a soap bubble in the sink of dirty dishes."
I pointed out that she had seen me when I wasn't quite so chipper.
Kim said, "Yes. You have your nasty moments and pushy moments. Good thing too or I'd think you weren't human...even more than I do now."
It's so strange to think of since it's a quality I had considered unattainable for someone as left brained and logic based as I was and am. Yet, it was a combination of logic and faith that gets me through things. Maybe that's really the optimism perceived. It's trust in God and that there's something better than all this.
Just for fun
So, I did something fairly silly this semester. Perfectly in my character, but totally silly. I stubbornly jumped back into life as if I was my usual 120% self. Taking on way more than was possible for someone who is healed to 80% normal or so.
I broke down quite a few times, not wanting to give up anything, but at the same time, I wasn't really enjoying much of anything either. It really hit me when I started losing my enjoyment of music that I'd pushed things far too far. Several very wise people have cornered me in the past few days and though they each said many things, one thing they all said was to step back and find out what I enjoy.
Post-surgery on the hip also reminded me of that. When you've only got a few hours per day to do things, you are forced to prioritize what you really want to do.
I'm still processing a lot of the other stuff they said, so in the spirit of the one concept I got, I found that i really like challenging myself and find some sort of overwhelming enjoyment of sound and color put together in loops or with movement, so I found this neat program online and started playing around for a little. It's not something I'd do for an extended period of time, but it was nice to break away for a bit.
Just for fun.
And try 2.
I broke down quite a few times, not wanting to give up anything, but at the same time, I wasn't really enjoying much of anything either. It really hit me when I started losing my enjoyment of music that I'd pushed things far too far. Several very wise people have cornered me in the past few days and though they each said many things, one thing they all said was to step back and find out what I enjoy.
Post-surgery on the hip also reminded me of that. When you've only got a few hours per day to do things, you are forced to prioritize what you really want to do.
I'm still processing a lot of the other stuff they said, so in the spirit of the one concept I got, I found that i really like challenging myself and find some sort of overwhelming enjoyment of sound and color put together in loops or with movement, so I found this neat program online and started playing around for a little. It's not something I'd do for an extended period of time, but it was nice to break away for a bit.
Just for fun.
And try 2.
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