All Together

Age is a real tricky thing for me. I don't think I've barely ever gotten it right.

Physically, I'm around twenty years old. A few problems here and there, but generally my age group. At least within a decade.

Then, we get to mentally. That's the old crone rocking in her old wooden chair somewhere inside me. Either that or at the very least, I tend to get along with people my parents' age on that level.

But then emotionally... Three years ago I had to admit to myself that I was still, in a whole lot of ways, an emotional toddler. There are advantages and disadvantages to that. As one person said to me, "Children see the world of morality in black and white. Big things and strange things are much easier to understand that way."

I looked at that and saw that perhaps she was right. It makes me a good teacher of the bigger things, like love and hate. But completely oblivious to a lot of middle stuff. It also makes me a very straightforward and dependable person. I do something almost beyond my ability for someone else and when asked why, I shrug and say something like, "Well, because I love them. It's that simple." It's a very childish view and I know that, but it's not always bad.

Yet, mentally I realize it's more complex than that.

There's this constant tug-o-war between the ages. Instinct is based on my emotions, action is based on thought. And I want everything to be together in a way that it hasn't been since I was 4-years old or so.

But I don't really know how. I've dealt with so many things on an intellectual level that I'm not quite sure how to go back and change that to emotional. Even things like death, I dealt with in a fairly logical manner... and to be honest, I'm a bit scared to have my emotions play any part in things.

Like a few months ago, I had something happen that triggered my emotional side. I didn't know what to do and a friend offered to talk with me, so I went over there. My emotional side didn't know how to handle this. Like a child, thoughts like, "This is bad. What did I do wrong? Am I really a bad person?" kept going through my mind.

While the logical side was already beyond the problem it had already logically analyzed the emotions and actions of everyone involved and went through the process of answering the question of "why."

Yet, my emotions were in control and it took a lot of help from the friend and Christ in order to get that side somewhat under control once more. Though, even now some emotional part of me still doesn't understand. Like a child.

I want to be all together. But I don't know how. I never dealt with emotional things with emotions, but logic is telling me that that's the only way I'll start to grow up on this.

Plant Growth

Plants are good for my soul, I think.

Just looking at them, not only reminds me of the beauty in life, but it's also a constant reminder to always grow and reach for the light, no matter where we are.

And thinking back on how I remember, even the trees, growing up from little tiny sprouts...

Well, it's simply amazing. And it's what I want to do too.

Refreshing Honesty

Just this week, it's happened quite a few times.

Someone once told me that as I grew older, people would appreciate the things that they didn't back then. And one of those was dead on honesty and boldness.

I didn't really believe them back then and it still gets me into a lot of trouble, but it's just how I am. If I feel like saying it, I'll say it how it is. (...I just realized...maybe it wasn't such a great idea for me to learn how to communicate...)

Like yesterday when I was tutoring, I looked at the next section in her book and said, "Well, you're not going to like this one, that's for sure. But it's right up my alley, so basically you're less likely to get it, but I'm better at teaching it, so we should be good." My student then commented how she liked my straight-forwardness and I was a little confused. In response, I pointed at the book and asked, "Oh. What was I supposed to say?" She just laughed, shook her head and said, "That's just it. You don't do stuff like that to be cruel or to get attention, so it makes it truly funny."

And with Jo-Anne, she's even used to me, but my blunt honesty is, "Sharply minty and pleasantly refreshing. Sure, it stings a little like mentholatum, but after all the wide-spread brown nosing out there, it's a refreshing sort of pain."

Then on Wednesday, I was asked to take minutes for a meeting. I figured minutes were to cover everything we talked about, so I put it in. And minutes after I sent out the completed minutes to be corrected, I got an e-mail back from someone saying,

"Hahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahhahahahahah

OMG These are hilarious!!!!!!!

Love the "working on Dora to Jen communication"

and the "perhaps flounder a bit"

Oh my.. my abs hurt..

I got to keep reading!!! You are great!"

I was confused and asked if I should have done it differently, but she said that no, these were great. I mean, just about everything was there except the cinna-buns as another person put it.

It's strange, but that's three times in two days. I guess that person might have been right. And by golly, I think this is the way I'm meant to be. Maybe not for the sole reason of humor, but if that's a side effect, that's fine with me.

Short Version of my Faith Journey

Growing up, I wanted to do the right thing and always tried to be obedient to every commandment that came my way. This wasn't really easy for me and I had to try very hard at it, since I tended to be a very different creature than those around me. But still, I attended seminary, church, held leadership positions, got my young women's medallion, fasted, tithed, in short everything that I could possibly in the hopes that I could be good and know God like everyone else... yet, I didn't really “get it.” I was lost in being obedient and doing everything right without any real understanding of grace or realization of God's love.

I really began actively questioning this in high school, but that ended up just isolating me even farther away from my peers than I already was. I questioned again and again, not finding what I was looking for, though I didn't really know what it was I was looking for.

I lived in several different places after high school, trying to find my way over the next few years, but though I always felt the holy Spirit guiding me in the little things, I wasn't finding the truth that I was searching for yet. Religion became more and more a confusing thing that put boundaries on the natural joy I had in life. I believed that there was a big “something" guiding things, so I couldn't quite fit in with my atheist and pagan friends either, but I just wasn't sure what to believe after that.

Then after my last summer in Portland when I was wondering where exactly I'd go next, I had the strongest feeling that I'd had up to that point. I was being prompted to go to Bozeman. My first response was of course to look up and say, “You sure about that? Bozeman, for sure?” And in response the feeling came back even stronger to go to Bozeman. I was certain that that's where He wanted me.

There have been many reasons for that, which I've been blessed to see. I was still searching, but I had faith that if this is where He wanted me, He'd lead me where He wanted me to go.

And also, as I found out, lead the people I needed where they needed to go too. Last March, in an unexpected chain of events, I gained something that had the potential to flip my life around, though I wouldn't have believed it until after it happened... I got a friend.

She invited me over for Easter and I learned a lot of things from that encounter, that triggered my “search” mode into full running capability once more. I felt the Spirit there in her home, but wasn't yet comfortable to breach the subject with my newly acquired friend.

Then for my birthday, she gave me a set of books that were specifically Christian fantasy. By doing this, she had opened the door between us for spiritual talk in such a way that I could make the next move or let it be. I took a while to see if she was going to try stuffing religion down my throat. I'd had enough of that in my wanderings. But she didn't mention it more than if I liked the books and such. The next move, if there was one would be mine to make.

So, after a lot of thought, prayer, and thought, I finally asked if we could take a hike and talk theological stuff. She agreed. I warned her I had lots of questions and she assured me that that was just fine with her.

She didn't judge and asked just as many questions as I did. She began to point me in a direction where I could find my own answers as well as guiding me through the tougher questions. Basically, God used her as the tool that I needed.

And finally through all of this, the concept of what the atonement really meant...hit me. And hit me hard. In my furious trying to be righteous, I had missed the most important thing. My family gets it. Many of my friends got it. But until then I didn't truly understand that without Christ, I am nothing. Without Him I'd never make it. And that was that.

I finally understood Grace. Before this moment I had been wandering, but from that moment on, I started to run forward. I felt love for God and wanted to become who He wanted me to be.

And yet, I was admittedly a little scared. I finally had gained a testimony, but not in the faith of my family. Should I keep this quiet? Join a church without them knowing? And yet, how could I, when all wanted was to proclaim my testimony for Christ to everyone?

I prayed about it and prayed and prayed. Always asking if this was the right path and for Him to guide my steps. I needed to know for myself if this was right. That this was indeed God's will for me.

And this December, the answer came. It was during the worship time as I was praying inside myself, I asked “God, is this where I am supposed to be? Could you tell me if this is the way for me to reach you?” And though, I still haven't gotten adequate words to describe it, this is what I told my friend about what happened immediately afterward:

Today was amazing! It's hard to describe, even now. But I felt Him like I never have before.

It was beyond words, that feeling of joy and light and happiness and love and rightness. I felt like He was right there inside me or beside me or everywhere, I wasn't sure maybe all, but He was there. Like I was filled with such emotions that it was more than I could take and all of them good. Or filled with light without a trace of darkness, so bright I could not bear it all in my body. I really can't describe it, perhaps it was love, but a love greater than any other.

I've felt promptings from the Spirit, some stronger than others, but that... It's the first time I felt Him there so strongly.

And the music. I always keep Him in mind and use the music to praise, but this time it really felt like it was a gift that I was giving to Him and that it was good. And that's all I wanted to do.

I took time to process it today and feel it out more and talk with Him... but even with all of that prayer, I'm still just in awe. It makes me wonder how someone that good could love someone like me, but at the same time there is no doubt in my mind that He does.

And that feeling was so strong! It felt like the whole place should have been on fire or filled with light.

And I knew that that was my confirmation. My life is changed, as those who knew me before can witness to. He led me where He wanted me, gave me a chance to know Him, and told me that this was the right way for me when I asked.

My Offering

Well, it's hard to say whether I'm more excited or nervous for tonight, but I'm hoping excitement will start overriding here soon.

Almost a week ago, a guy from my church asked if I'd be up for being part of his worship team. I said yes without thinking really, but it's probably good I did or perhaps I wouldn't have said yes after the nerves set in.

I'm not sure what to expect, since just six weeks ago I got plunged into my first instrumental ensemble with the Gamelan and that...well, let's just say I was mighty humbled from that experience.

It's a new culture, I suppose is why I'm nervous. It's like a linguist moving to live in a country of one of their learned languages. I know there are going to be customs and things I'm not going to know and it's scary to know that I can't really prepare for that. I'm afraid I won't be good enough or I'll ruin the experience for the rest of the band.

Oh man... I just remembered: Worry is a sin, too.

If this is for worship, maybe one of the things that I need to learn is to let go. It's for Him and if I give Him the best I've got and continually do so as I grow, then that's what's important.

My fear is that I will not be strong enough for myself or that my pride will be hurt. I still have a long way to go in some of these lessons.

This is my offering. He'll give me the strength I need and I'll give Him the best I can. He's given me so much already, sometimes I have to remember not to depend on those gifts while forgetting the giver.

Now I understand once more. He gave me all I have and now I get a chance to offer my music back to Him.

That was unexpected. I wanted excitement to take over, but instead I am filled with peace, acceptance, and gratitude. It's one of those "Praise God" moments. He knows better than I.