Given to Give

This next trial is going to be a hard one.

For my best friend's birthday this year, I am doing the best gift I can think of: A family portrait. Detail pencil sketch on a large, nice paper and everything. It's the sort of thing that people pay hundreds of dollars for because of the time and energy it takes. And even then, if the artist doesn't know you, sometimes they don't really "capture" the person. So, you pay also for the heart that has to be put into it.

Well, I've done three others of similar caliber in my life so far. And each previous time what I did was when I was just about finished, I would make a copy. Then I'd finish the drawing on the copied paper and give that away. Then I could keep the original to remember them by.

This was a good thing for me then and I had every intention of doing it again this time. But that's not what Heavenly father has in mind. I keep being prompted that this time I am to give this one away completely.

When the feeling first came, I tried to ignore it. After all this was going to be my best work yet. Three people that I cared for in the same picture. This project was going to take me many days of intense work, plenty of hours with utter exhaustion after every few. I was putting my all into this gift. He wouldn't really want me to keep nothing for myself after all that, right?

The feeling was persistent. Finally, I prayed and asked. And I knew without a doubt, though I didn't like the answer, it was clear. That's exactly what He wants.

The more you are given the more is required. And the more you are given, the harder it is to give up everything that you have.

But I suppose I started it by saying I wanted to be the person He wants me to be. This one is really a hard trial for me and I keep trying to wheedle out of it somehow.

Yet, especially with art, I know that I can't do anything without Him.

So, in a sense, me trying to keep this picture is like trying to keep a gift that wasn't mine in the first place. I think I understand now.

Retinal Hemorrhage

Well, never a dull moment in this house. Here's what going on:

Went in today since I was seeing a purple dot in my field of vision. Like an after image, but lasting for days and not transparent.

After quite a lot of hours of testing, we found a hemorrhage in the retina of my left eye.

There's a few causes for something like that. One is high blood pressure, which got tested 5 different times by 5 different people. So it's not that. I went in for blood work to check if I have diabetes. I don't think I do, though.

So, if it doesn't grow, it's all good because it can just be lasered out, so that's what we're hoping for. If it grows, we'll just have to see. So far it's been stable since morning.

But sitting in all those offices gave me a lot of time to think about the senses we're given to experience life. And in turn a whole lot of gratitude towards God. Sight for one is an amazing thing and then I started thinking about hearing. Even just between those two, I'm really blessed.

Simplicity

This past week, my Mom and I were spending a lot of time around each other due to just plain proximity and so, as the head of the Christmas magic making team, she used me as an advisor to a lot of her planning. Just a few days ago, she found out that not only was my sister and her husband spending the night over Christmas Eve, but on Christmas morning, 4 of their in-laws were coming over too.

Mom panicked as any mother would rightly do. She worried about gifts, housing, games, decorations, cleanliness, dishes, parking, menus...etc. And with that worry, other worries were encouraged to come to the surface to join in the festivities.

At one point in all of this, I managed to insert, "Mom. Remember the point, the reason for giving? It's true, we should give, but not because of "fear of man." That misses the whole idea. Christ would want us to give for the feeling it brings each of us in the giving. The food is for celebration, but really, it's about communion and getting together and stuff. We're losing Christmas in all of this holiday planning and I miss it."

There was a lot of stuff that I did to make things simpler, but Mom wanted to impress, so we fought a lot. And what I found from all of these mini tug-o-wars was that, the closer we got to simplicity, the easier it got to feel the Spirit. But even then, I feel like others didn't feel it most of the time. I know that the best part of Christmas was when I sat there in the bath and read the gospels, then played hymn-type things on the flute. That, and being together, teasing each other mercilessly as siblings do (whether it was over food or gifts, it didn't seem to matter).

I guess I really wanted to mix those two feelings. The peace and focus on what really mattered, combined with the communion of kin.

There were gifts I enjoyed giving. And that was nice, but it was also a communion, not a contest. Often I would give the gift and they'd be excited, but it would get set to the side as we played and talked together because that's the part that really mattered.

It goes back to the lesson I'm really learning right now about the right order of things. You can do all the right things in the wrong order and it will be wrong. The wise men brought gifts, but the point was worship. They would not have been so wise if they had brought gifts to physically show him how much time or money they spent on the gifts and then forget the worship part. So that's what I want to do. Keep the importance on the right thing.

The Right Order of Things

Took me quite a while and a fair amount of help to get this one. But I finally am and it's making all the difference.

In the past few months so many things have been happening so fast I can hardly keep up. One of the big things on that list is that before now I was terrified of people. It sounds funny and I couldn't really explain it, but other than a very small amount being around anyone put me on edge...sort of like tarantulas constantly being in the room would for some, I suppose.

But now, with help from multiple sides (including up) I am conquering that fear. And as a result, for the first time, people can get close enough that I get to know them and like them. I've been pretty much solely self-reliant all my life. If it was a choice between approaching someone and asking for a ride or taking the time to walk a few miles in the dark I would almost always choose the latter.

Things are changing slightly there, at the same time I am discovering my views on what I believe and getting to understand who God is to me. Both are really good, but as two friends pointed out to me in their own ways, it's the wrong order.

I never had to deal with "putting faith in man" before because, well, I never did. And since I haven't had to deal with it I didn't realize the danger.

Not only was I getting attached to people, but I was letting that attachment come before the one with me and God. Upon realizing this, I prayed and understood the concept like this: If I am a white light and God is a prism, I am to go through Him before touching anything else. Relationships are fuller, more colorful, more right that way.

Already I am understanding this and I want to be closer to Him. And in return He is answering my prayer and I feel as though He is drawing me in for the friendship of a lifetime.

Confirmation

So many things have happened this past week, in the realms of spiritual and emotional. But one of the things I should share is an e-mail I wrote last Sunday, describing what happened that afternoon.

"Today was amazing! I don't know if you felt it too, but as we were singing that one song... I can't remember which one because of what happened, but I remember the alleluias...

It's hard to describe, even now. But I felt Him like I never have before.

It was beyond words, that feeling of joy and light and happiness and love and rightness. I felt like He was right there inside me or beside me or everywhere, I wasn't sure maybe all, but He was there. Like I was filled with such emotions that it was more than I could take and all of them good. Or filled with light without a trace of darkness, so bright I could not bear it all in my body. I really can't describe it, perhaps it was love, but a love greater than any other.

I've felt promptings from the Spirit, some stronger than others, but that... It's the first time I felt Him there so strongly.

And the music. I always keep Him in mind and use the music to praise, but this time it really felt like it was a gift that I was giving to Him and that it was good. And that's all I wanted to do.

I took time to process it today and feel it out more and talk with Him... but even with all of that prayer, I'm still just in awe. It makes me wonder how someone that good could love someone like me, but at the same time there is no doubt in my mind that He does.

And that feeling was so strong! It felt like the whole place should have been on fire or filled with light..."

I still can't describe it, but the experience was more than I could have imagined and even though plenty of bad things are happening around me, I can bring up just a memory of that feeling and feel that sense of purpose and love again.

'A World in Us'

Well, the final project for Music Tech is done... at least until editing starts on Friday. Phwew.

The basic requirement was it had to be a song that told a story and after several attempts to write a song that I could get into unsuccessfully, I finally found the right idea. The first was a confrontation. Then a desert-type dance. But I wrote them without heart.

This song was a song about a character (me) walking along through a crowd and wondering what having a friend would be like. Then as the character is speaking, she becomes aware that another voice is there with her. She continues walking and talking until she is sure of what is happening.

And that thing that is happening is a friendship being born. The two turn to each other and acknowledge it, laughing and teasing as if they've known each other all along. The music changes and becomes alive, each person building off of the other.

They begin to settle into this relationship and it changes from a dance into something deeper. The pace slows and they begin to understand what has really happened. That they have been changed forever.

The crowd comes back into it, but over top the noise, you can still sense the music of the friendship. And it closes with the acknowledgement that no matter how distant these two become, they will always be an echo in each others' hearts.

This song has special meaning to me. And I can tell when people are listening to it if they have had a friendship like it before. Those who have become distant-eyed with a sad smile on their face. My guess is it is for them as it is for me... This friendship has a hold on my heart, so that I feel slightly empty whenever we are apart. That's the look they have anyway. And the people who haven't had that type of friendship look inspired and hopeful as they listen. Bright eyed and curious.

Another part that made it special is that in the music there was a main flute part and Carol was willing to play it for this song. I also asked if she wouldn't mind saying some of the texts, so that I didn't have to only work with my voice. The recording session itself was a good memory, but since it was Carol and I's audio, the song became so much more real. While I was arranging and composing stuff, every time I heard us laughing or trading off or teasing each other, I was reminded of the emotions that I needed in order to write this piece.

And now when I'm feeling that slight emptiness from her absence then I can listen and hear her voice and it helps soothe that.