Excited for School

Just one week left!!

It's been a full year of gaining residency (which meant no school, so I could save up money) and now I'm finally going back. It's wonderful! I've been really looking forward to this.

Not to mention, I'm actually really excited to be a Montanan. It's strange, since I haven't felt much loyalty to a place or school before now and here I am... Wearing MSU sweats, getting ready to work out at the gym and planning on going to the first game I get the chance to.

One important thing I discovered during this time, though, was the fact that I wish to "learn all of my life." It really hit me how hard it was to take a year off and I believe that that's going to stay with me for a long time.

Not everyone wishes it, but I sure do. Even if I get a career, I think in my actions at least, I will always be "going to school."

Light versus Shadow

There is a constant debate, a consistent struggle of proverbial wills if you will, between two basic ideas.

I was reading a book recently that had a bit of dialog that really hit me and made me tink about this struggle once more.

The Terstan frowned. “The [disease] is caused by our own choosing.”

“Who would choose such a thing?”

“Those who pretend it doesn’t exist. Those who receive the gift, then turn away from it to follow their own path.”

“But why would anyone, once they had the Light, refuse it if it really is good?”

“Because even when we have the Light, we still carry the Shadow. And the Shadow will always strain against the Light. When we let the Shadow have sway over us, when we indulge its desires and delusions consistently, ignoring the Light, refusing its entreaties—that’s what eventually causes the madness.”

I realized that whether I acknowledge it consciously, there is a war going on for my soul, for every soul for that matter.

That says books worth for our self worth. Think about it. The most powerful beings in existence would love to have each and every person on their side and are constantly trying to make it that way.

And even cooler yet, is the fact that they can't make us. Agency make it so that choice is based off of belief, so the result is all our own.

Pretty amazing.

Indeed a Friend

I've been reading "The Soloist," and a particular sentence jumped out at me that hasn't before now.

"If a friend is someone who inspires, who challenges, who sends you in search of some truer sense of yourself, then [he] is indeed a friend."

I guess I didn't have a friend like that when I first read this passage. But when I read that quote this time, there was a deep understanding of what he meant.

There are times I wish that my friend did not challenge me like she does and sometimes I'd almost rather take an easier road. Yet, when its all said and done, I find myself knowing more of myself. I find it easier to ask myself the hard questions. And whenever I feel down at all, even if its just a wavering of hope, she is always there in my mind as inspiration.

"Root" 66

I always forget how wonderful it is.

Yesterday morning, I decided that no matter what, that garden was going to get some real weeding work done. And despite everything, it happened. (won't go into details, but I ended up digging in the pouring rain with only the aid of a broken wooden spoon. Quite an amusing sight, really.)

I've become addicted all over again. The feel of the dirt on my hands, the following day's soreness of "real" work, the smell of freshly dug roots, getting to watch things grow, and most of all, the fun surprises of wild plants I find and cultivate.

It does amazing things for the mind too. Like instead of just weeding the garden, I am weeding my brain as well. Things just don't seem to bother me as much and I feel as though I can focus.

Mom says her father was exactly the same way and none of the family quite understood him either.

It's hard work, but spiritual in some way I can't quite describe. Kind of in the same way as when you go hiking to the top of a mountain or when you hear a symphony... as if a little part of you gets closer to God just by being there.

What I Said

There was something that I wrote in an e-mail to a friend not too long ago.

I didn't really think about it until she brought it up and then I realized how interesting the growth pattern was.

I had been writing to her about how I'd been dealing with my fainting spells and said the following paragraph:

When it started happening at first, I was really afraid and had the instinct to "hole up" in my room.

But then I took over and decided when it happens I'll hide, but otherwise I'll keep going.

And now I'm transitioning to the attitude that I don't even need to hide, just keep living and be smart about it where I can.

She brought it up and I realized that that attitude isn't so bad for most trials in life. You've gotta get a little scared to get smart, but then you've got to keep going. And some day, you really have to take the wisdom learned from the fear as well as the will to endure and put them together with who you want to be.

Learning about Weakness

Something happened yesterday.

At first I thought it was a bad thing; I had gone to such lengths to avoid it. But now I am thinking that I needed this to happen after all.

Last night, I felt one of my dizzy spells come on and it was in the middle of a song at chorus. I tried to make it through the song (still not sure if I did or didn't) and then planned to slip away to the bathroom or something before anything happened so that no one would know.

But it didn't work. I fell backwards right where I stood.

I don't remember a whole lot from that time. But I do remember falling and more importantly, I remember someone (or some people) catching me before I hit the risers. Someone told me what to do, someone held my hand, someone asked me what I needed and so on. And even as I was embarrassed to be there and be in my situation, I recognized the concern and willingness to help from those around me.

It was only by looking back on what happened, that I learned. And boy, did I learn a lot of things that I really needed to know.

You see, I almost always have my focus upon being strong. So strong that I do not let down and actually had unintentionally gotten into the mindset that I could not let down. It was almost as if I believed my strength was why people liked me. I mean, sure, it's a good quality and one I intend to keep developing, but my focus on it was misplaced.

I guess the most important lesson was simple: I am allowed to fall and if I do, someone might actually be there to catch me.

And you know. I don't know any other way I could have really learned that particular lesson. Also, it feels good. I've never been weak before like this. I always assumed that I was the one who was always strong for everyone else and that it would always be that way.

But for a little bit my world was turned upside down. And it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Memories

It's been four years now, almost exactly, since one of my close friends died.

Sunday morning, I read over the journal entry I had of the experience and did a lot of thinking. It showed me a lot about myself and my friend that, at the time, I could not see through my grief.

After Mary Ellen died, there was a period there where I "lost myself." I could not seem to do the same things I had done before or at least couldn't manage to do anything the way I had used to.

As bad of a time as that was, I can look back now and see what that forced me to do and see that it was a good thing. When she died, I had to let go of preconceptions and habitual actions. From that moment on, I had to have meaning in everything I did, or it wasn't worth doing. That included things like negative comments and how I saw myself and others.

I also was forced to step up. To become an active player in my life. Once I saw how one of my teachers could be taken away, I was determined to learn everything I could while I could. And that's something I've just kept doing.

It makes me wonder how many bad things in life are really bad things, you know.