Katlyn (the friend I made when I first got in a wheelchair) saw me in Physics and after a bit of conversation said, "So, this is the real you, huh?"
I said, "Yes. Sorry you haven't met the whole me before. Do you want me to calm it down? I know a few friends that I've done that for already." She said she didn't need it, so I went on. "Golly, I forgot how fraught with possibilities every day is! Oops, I mean full of possibilities. Fraught makes it sound kind of dangerous."
Katlyn smirked and said, "Nope. You had it right the first time. I have a feeling that with this new you, the possibilities are quite dangerous."
We laughed and I was happy. My professors seemed to be all right with it, though a bit thrown off. I surprised myself in Physics. Not once in 3 semesters have I spoken up in class, but today I kept saying the answers as soon as they were asked. Which was fast. Carla was surprised too. She knows I talk because of the Physics department parties, but otherwise I don't speak. She raised her eyebrows in surprise and sometimes I blushed at my hitherto undiscovered boldness.
And in Music History it was the same thing. My professor asked if I was this energetic this last semester or if he just hadn't noticed. My classmates assured him that I was back to my old self. Orchestration was a new professor. We both had the same surgery during the break. He spoke of the depression and craziness of oxicotin. I'll admit, that was the one moment today that I really slowed down and was totally calm. I understood in a very intimate way what he spoke of. The feeling of swimming out in the middle of a sea and realizing that you really might not make it back this time. That you're sinking with no way home.
The secretaries knew me from before surgery and exclaimed, "You're really back, Jen! We missed you!" I was glad. They're crazy in a way I find endearing as well.
All of today has been fraught with possibilities! And the neat thing is, one of those possibilities is to just be still and watch something silently or to write or read. Before surgery that wasn't an option, but now I feel free to even do that. Amazing how limitations can open up a vista of opportunities if allowed.
