A lot of things have changed since the
end of last September. I really keep looking back at that progression
of time as I heal from the last surgery.
There were two types of changes and
really, I'm glad I got to taste both groups. There were the lessons I
was very aware of. The fights and battles to learn what I needed to
in crisis situations. Things like patience in a wheelchair or
dependance and trust when handicapped. Things like love for those
like me and love for those with more than me. These things were fast
and I'm glad I learned them.
Then there were the lessons I just
realized were going on this whole time. These were the slow things.
The things you learn not by trying, but by being shaped day by day
into a completely different person. These are the lessons learned
from enduring sickness or enduring trials where the end is not
apparent and often not even looked for. Since I just barely realized
this week these lessons were going on, I'd like to focus on those
ones.
I joked with a friend about one just
this Wednesday, but it's true. Through the sickness, one lesson that
has finally come about is a certain “wisdom.” Perhaps it is just
knowing how to work around my own stupidity most of the time and not
trying to pretend it's not there. And sometimes this wisdom simply
looks like knowing when to be still and quiet. There's a lot of
wisdom to be had in a silent pair of eyes.
Another lesson that took even longer is
trust in God. That one had to be learned both the quick and the long
ways. The quick one was hard, but in its own way the long one was far
harder. It reminds me of a C.S. Lewis quote about how when man looks
out and sees no sign of God, but still obeys, then that is the worst
predicament for a tempter of his soul. I guess I've felt that quite a
few times. Even when I was at my worst in a state of withdrawal, I
cursed God, but couldn't deny Him. At my depths, I did not know what
else to do, but pray. In fact, I still don't know what else to do.
That's the depth with which He has
changed me over the past year and months. Because every time I felt
sick or the spasms hit, I learned to turn to Him. So now, whenever
anything hits, I know no other way to be.
Endurance is of course the best long
lesson to learn. I know I still have a long way on that one, but
still the depth of the lesson surprises me. I knew I had to keep
going even when my strength was gone and now that I've been given a
new chance at energy and life, I hardly know how to contain myself.
Then appreciation for life. Golly, that one just hit me today! I forgot how exciting every breath is, every step is, every chance to see the sun and stars or read a book. And this isn't even heaven! Ha!
I'm glad for the accident. At the beginning, I guessed it was all part of God's plan for me. Good guess, but now I know even some of the good that has come of this and I've got to say (though I do not recommend getting hit by a truck) that it was totally worth it.
