Lessons from Shut Doors

Tonight, a lot of great things happened at Bible study that were different from the normal routine. But one of the funnest parts for me was afterwards. Everyone packed up, except for four of us. We didn't plan it, we just weren't ready to leave, so the four of us stayed to be with each other.

It was fun. Like a group of friends... Oh, I guess they have become my friends. Not just like friends, they actually are my friends. (Not used to that yet) We talked serious and laughed and talked serious and laughed. But one of the serious subjects that came up was the path to my baptism. The groups had been talking about when to confront someone about faith and when to wait and not push. That's when I explained a little more of my story.

I told them how I'd been questioning for a long time. And sometimes I would begin to feel like I'd found the truth. I was so close and then I'd get chased off by what they'd say when the Lord didn't prompt them to speak. Things like, "You're wrong and going to Hell if you don't act fast," or "I'm glad you came, maybe we can get your whole family to see the light next." This happened time after time. Not just Christianity, but all sorts of religions. I'd feel like I was getting somewhere and then it was mercilessly stuffed down my throat.

And then on the other hand, there was Carol. It didn't come up immediately. I knew pretty quick that she was religious and was wary about our friendship. To be honest, I was trying to enjoy our time together before the stuffing religion down my throat routine began. But she didn't. She only spoke when she felt prompted to and in turn I found the truth without being scared off.

Then Jessica said, "Well, that makes me wonder. I mean God's obviously been shutting those doors over and over again before you were led to the right place. So, it'll be interesting to see what you are supposed to do with those experiences. What you were supposed to learn."

I paused to think for a second, but it came to me what one of the biggest lessons was. "Total acceptance," I said. "I knew what rejection was. I know what it's like to be shunned from a group over and over for stupid reasons. So, I don't do that to others. That's why my baptism was so controversial. I mean, I have friends in all faiths and they know how accepting I am, so they were afraid that that would change."

"Besides, I'm such a different creature, that I never really fit in any sort of conforming group. So, the result ended up being that everyone wanted me in their 'in' group. Go figure. I never understood it, but when we had us/them group problems at the hotels between the immigrants, Americans, and foreign exchange all of them included me as part of their group, even as they hated the other groups."

We laughed for a while afterwards about other things, but I continued to think about what all I'd learned from rejection. How I'd learned that love was the only thing that mattered. Especially Agape, or the unconditional stuff. And that who someone was mattered and who they projected they were didn't. And how if you ignore the lines, then they hold no power over you.

After all, love is God's power and nothing can beat that.

Water from a Fire-hose

Well, I feel a little overwhelmed. Not in a terrible way, but so much good has happened that I feel a little bit like I can't take any more. Women of Faith this weekend and then my baptism today.

As Carol says, it's like trying to drink water from a fire-hose. Water's good, but it's going to take me a little bit to process everything to the point of really drinking it in.

I've got to say though, today's choice felt SOOOO right! I knew that this was the right way for me. I felt...peace. And rightness. When I came up out of the water, it felt different. I guess part of what I felt was that the ceremony accented what had already happened inside of me instead of replacing it.

And the love I felt! And the happiness!!! Not just from me, but from God too. And from others. That was shocking to me, but each person that came up to say congrats...well, I thought about where they were coming from and knew their sincerity. And that in itself was amazing.

I felt so "not alone" that I hardly knew what to do. I've almost never felt so "not alone" like I did then. Christ is there with me, Carol was there with me, and many of my friends (woah...friends. They've become my friends!) were there with me.

It was a new experience. A true life glimpse of an emotion I once felt from a very special dream.

Love. I feel loved. So much, I can barely take it in. Like drinking water from a fire-hose.

The Time of My Life

Last night, I was a bit stressed with schoolwork, but came out to make some dinner (first meal of the day at 8pm). My roommate came out and we had a talk about school stuff. She naturally takes it really easy in school and life, leaving time to be lazy if she so chooses. A direct opposite of what I do all the time with enthusiastically piling too much stuff on my plate.

But there was one comment during the conversation she said that got me. Kim said, "I figure I'll take the fastest route of four years to get out of school. Then I can check 'get a degree' off my list of things to do. And once it's done, I'll be glad its over and then I can actually start my life."

"Check school off the list?"

This was a totally foreign thought to my current mindset. Back in high school, I had that attitude about school sometimes, but as I grew older that thought disappeared. There are some times I wish this degree was over, but more in the sense that I want to move on to the next degree. I was baffled that someone I knew would honestly want to do that to themselves. Kim even said she didn't really care what the degree was and doesn't really like the one she's doing.

So last night and this morning, whenever I could no longer bear the thought of writing about "primary and secondary values of subjectivity" my mind would wander back to these thoughts of life stages.

And it hit me really hard this morning how I will miss this time in my life when it's over. None of my peers discuss this fact. It's always how hard things are right now and how great it'll be when they're old and retired. And then I hear the older generation say that college was the "time of their life" and golly, they sure do miss it.

Kim wants to check “get a degree” off of her list as fast as possible, yet maybe that's why I act more like the second degree people. I am beginning to appreciate learning and this college environment I'm in. I enjoy listening to conversations of religion, economics, music, and math. I quite frankly love tutoring and would like to see about teaching.

It's true that I would love to be at Carol's current stage too. I'd love to have a family. To have a daughter to fight with, love, discipline, and make laugh. I'd love to have that one that I could share anything I wanted to with and laugh with. That deep, best friend love that ever deepens.

Yes, I'm really looking forward to that stage.

And at the same time, I'm happy with the stage I'm in. I recognize the stress (oh boy, do I!) and the pain and the struggles that never seem to end. But even seeing those, I know I'll miss these days when they're gone. And I know I'll be happy (and probably stressed) then too.

It makes me realize every moment God gives me is the "Time of My Life."

Little, Amazing Things

There were several, little good/cool things that happened yesterday, so I figured I'd write so of them here.

Yesterday we had an all day coaching session for our chorus. It was also the first time Carol was at chorus since her leave of absence, so December. :) Boy, I had forgotten how much fun it is to have her there! It was just the little things too. Like at break, over the past few months I've usually sat in a corner and then after a while forced myself to get up and join the crowd. This time, I was pleasantly surprised when Carol came over to where I was to show me something and then we had a fun time talking.

Then there were those moments where I could share in something. How do I say this... Like when we were both outside and found it funny that there was a giant, fake spider in the grass, or shock that someone could possibly not have a DVD player, or interest in a new phone app... I guess it's friendship and though I didn't fully realize it until she was back, I sure missed it.

Another little thing was at lunch-time I went outside and played on the swings and ran around and played soccer with myself and laughed at the sky. Those sorts of things that I do when I'm free. One time, as I was in the process of creating a snowdog, I looked back at the school and thought, "I wonder if I'm supposed to act more like everyone else." The thought hadn't occurred to me before. But then the Holy Ghost brought up an idea into my head. It was something along the lines that I am created as I am and that person is good.

Sometimes I doubt that, though.

Oh, as a side note, it was really, really nice when I went back in from my outside adventures, I was talking to Carol and asked if she wanted to come out and see the snowdog. I was a little shocked at myself, since I didn't mean to ask. It just sort of came out.

Then later on that day as I was thinking about that cool concept that I was created to be exactly who I was that another neat thing came up. I specifically was thinking about my weaknesses and was wondering if those were a part of me. I tried remembering the scriptures about that He will make the small things great and use our weaknesses. Then, as if in answer to my thoughts, the coach told us a quote.

"If you think you don't have rhythm, put your hand over your heart."

I smiled. Rhythm was just one of the weaknesses I'd been thinking about and it felt like an answer. I know it's not what she said, but it reminded me better than anything else, that He will give me everything I need. All I need to do is trust Him.

Yesterday was full of little, amazing things like that.