To be short: I have a project for film, my SD card for the video didn't work, the cord for my external harddrive died, there was no cord to hook up the camera directly, the cord I bought for the harddrive didn't work with the USB hub, the computer that I had to use did not have the right conversion program, that computer also had no internet to download that program, no internet meant no online help manual, the physical help manual was outdated, after getting the files to the computer they were the wrong type, the camera wouldn't copy to the newly purchased SD card, camera needed turned back in for another student, the harddrive crashed...etc, etc, etc.
During all of this I was feeling stressed out. As is my habit now, I began to pray before really stopping to think about it. I said that I was stressed and that I knew worrying couldn't add an hour to my life, but could it help me not lose 12 hours of recorded film footage? Then I said that I knew this was all for my good and I'm sure if I worked it right, this whole thing could make me look more like Christ (the ultimate good God refers to).
Then I stopped to think about that last thought. This was meant to shape me into someone looking more like Christ. Was Christ ever stressed and struggling with human nature?
After that my prayer changed entirely. I asked for help because I wasn't strong enough to do this without getting stressed, but you can't love by worrying like that. And though part of me felt perfectly justified in my feelings I remembered that worship is an act of discipline. I asked God to help me throw out my own perfectly strong will and replace it with His will. It wasn't something I could do half-heartedly, I really meant for His will to be done and not mine. Mine was to be frustrated. His will for me was to trust in Him even if that meant things not "working out." It was a battle that went on for hours down there in the lab, but every time the battle to give over my will became easier.
After that my prayer changed entirely. I asked for help because I wasn't strong enough to do this without getting stressed, but you can't love by worrying like that. And though part of me felt perfectly justified in my feelings I remembered that worship is an act of discipline. I asked God to help me throw out my own perfectly strong will and replace it with His will. It wasn't something I could do half-heartedly, I really meant for His will to be done and not mine. Mine was to be frustrated. His will for me was to trust in Him even if that meant things not "working out." It was a battle that went on for hours down there in the lab, but every time the battle to give over my will became easier.
It felt strange because I was fighting myself and not Him, which is opposite of how my sin-based self operates. My human instinct is to blame bad luck and get angry, this time I felt as though I was fighting to lay my self on an altar. I suppose now that I said it that way, I can see how right that is and I'm going to try to get on that altar whenever I can.
