Compliments

So, Carol and I got together again today. I got two more concepts better than I had before and wanted to put one on here for further thinking.

That thing I asked was on how to take compliments. I had no clue as to how to do it because normally I deflect them. Like in the car with Nancy I was deflecting hers, but then when Carol complimented me...I felt like I couldn't deflect them, so I had no idea what to do.

She told me of some of the problems we generally have with compliments and what true humility is all about. One of the problems is, “I don't want to take any credit because I feel like all credit should go to God, so I've got to avoid compliments.” The thing with that is to not be ashamed of who God made you to be. All glory does go to Him and you can remember that, but trying to avoid compliments is like trying to bury that talent that He gave you. Which, as He even points out, is exactly what you're not supposed to do. So you take the compliment and mentally acknowledge that every thing that you have is from Him and if you really understand that, taking the compliment's just fine.

Another problem is fear of pride. I had this one with all the musical stuff. It's so easy to have “singer's ego” or “performer's pride” and I have a lot of instruments to do so on. It's not like the criticism or compliment would stop or encourage my playing, just make me afraid that I'd be bloated with pride if I got too many compliments.

That's when she brought up what humility really is. She said, “To some musicians, they can enjoy a piece of music just as much if someone else plays it as if they themselves had played it.” I nodded and said that's how it was for me like how I had enjoyed hearing her flute recital about as much as if I had played it myself. She said she had thought that I was one of those and said, “But to many musicians it's not the same. They get jealous of others playing well. Their personal idea of their talent is threatened by others.”

I thought about this, her words ringing true. “So, that's the singer's ego then,” I said, finally getting it. She agreed and I continued to place it all in place. It made sense why it existed. And it made sense why I did not have it myself. I had been told that I didn't, but I didn't know why.

Humility is not fear. Not fear of your success and not fear of others' success. It's knowing that all good things come from God. That knowledge cancels out fear and pride.

She said to have an accurate idea of who I really am helps immensely. To not pretend to be better or worse than you are, just to be truly you.

Measure of Growth

Well, finals are over and summer is here. I started back on at the Hilton and find it to be a great challenge in a lot of ways, but also really encouraging. You see, since I worked there almost one year ago, I'm able to tell how far I've progressed in so many ways.

First of all, it's a rather hard job. You get all sorts of crap from the guests, your coworkers, and unfortunately, most of all, your bosses. Then the pressure of the job itself is there.

One of the things I was well known for before was my good attitude, but it's nothing compared to now. Most of the coworkers that have mentioned it figure they just don't remember just how nice it was to be around me at work, but I know that my attitude has changed for the better. I have more patience, for one thing, even than I did then. I also have a wide array of puns and I'm not afraid to use them. :~)

My humility has increased since accepting Grace, which happened this last year. I feel that I can deal with a lot of things because I know what I've been given and how much I don't deserve it.

And at the same time, my confidence has shot up, but with out the usual co-virtue of pride. I just know that I am working harder and better and I have no fear of my supervisors like I used to. In other words, I've grown into myself. I am who I am and am not afraid.

Then physically. When I first started the Hilton, I was way out of shape and housekeeping got me into it. Then over this school year, between Carol and I's workouts, my own workouts, and the general workouts of life, I've grown in physical capability since even last summer. I didn't realize this because I'm always just pushing through things without thinking about what good they are actually doing for me.

But today, I rode my bike really fast for miles without breaking a sweat. Then I worked at 1.5 times the speed of a fast housekeeper for a full shift. Then I went on a hike with the Kankelborgs and was still energetic when we decided to head back. I even raced Emma (okay, so by race #7 I was admittedly getting tired) and won a few times.

Then when I was thinking about it, I realized that at the end of last summer I barely had the energy to do a shift as a regular speed housekeeper and then I'd walk home and rest. And then, to compare to when I very first started at the Hilton, walking the 3 miles to the Hilton exhausted me.

And the biggest change I've noticed is how "light" I am. I'm not afraid, for God is with me and now I know it. And I've got faith that He'll lead me where He wants me to go when it's time, so I'm willing to hand over my control to Him. So, no fear and willing to submit control to Someone other than myself.

And that's something I've never had in my life before.

So, this returning has felt like a measuring stick. There are plenty of challenges to my faith and plenty of opportunities to find if I will choose a truly "Christian" way in difficult circumstances.

And the cool thing is, I feel like I'm measuring up to who I want to be, given my human limitations, and I know God's got the rest.

Very Much Myself

It really started to hit me again when Jo-Anne came up to visit. She talked about how hard it was to go out in the real world and pretend to be who they wanted her to be all the time at her work and at school. My simple response was "don't then."

She was incredulous and asked how you could survive. I mean, people expect you to have tact and be polite and say all that stuff about your kids and the weather. And there will be consequences if you don't.

So, I thought about it. And finally understood what happens with me. I told her, "I always am exactly who I am and you know what, people get used to me. Not just in the tolerating way either, but really get to know what to expect and not expect. It's as if I don't see the rules of social stuff and because I believe they don't apply, well they don't."

She then asked about work. I'm a tutor and she wondered how I managed to be me and teach. You're apparently supposed to encourage and stuff like that, that I never got the hang of. Jo-Anne came and watched one session to see what it was like and get in a little math while she was at it. To give an example, right before Evelyn took her Calculus Exam, she complained, "Oh. I seriously feel like I am going to throw up..."

I clapped my hands together and said, "Yes! Finally!"

She looked at me and slowly asked, "You're...happy that I feel sick?"

I smiled and said, "Of course. You see, when you feel like you're about to throw up, it's often because you've studied so much that you can't take any more. So this means you're really, finally ready for the exam as we can get you. Go show 'em how it's done."

That was okay because Evelyn's my student, but what about my elders? People who have control over what happens to me?

Well, in juries. I filled out my forms just as I am. When it asked for student goals over the term, I said on one sheet, "sanity, breathing, and becoming a bigger voice without resorting to weight gain." Or what studies we emphasized this term, I responded, "Lots of voice stuff, working on high notes and middle notes, and a lot of buxom sort of "big mama" sounds."

As I got done with the singing and was walking back up to get the sheets, Dr. Aamot, with a sparkling smirk said, "Thank you, Jen. I didn't know that I could enjoy someone's jury sheets that much." I wasn't sure what he meant, but my pianist, knowing me, shooed me out immediately. Talk about getting used to me, she knew if I spoke then I'd embarrass us both and she was probably right. I found out later on that you're supposed to have more technical languages on those sorts of things and buxom was probably not the best choice of adjective.

And with my piano class. We decided to go out for coffee and when we got there, the only place that could seat the five of us, had one person already sitting at it. They didn't know what to do, so I said, "Well, isn't it obvious, well just find out if that lady minds us sitting by her and if she does we'll find somewhere else." Several protests began, stuff about socially awkward, but I didn't really notice since I was too busy asking the stranger if she minded. When I returned to the group and said she had said it was fine, someone in the group muttered, "Only you could get away with that, Jen. Only you..." But they accepted it.

And in Gamelan, when I started playing with the nine-year old. Well, the Mom for example apparently thought I was playing with her daughter to be nice. She said, "Thanks for watching Teresa. It frees me up to do other stuff." I looked at the Mom and said, "Oh, but I'm not really watching her. I think you might want to keep a look out, since I'm really just playing." Teresa beamed. I think until then she thought I was supposed to be supervising her. No. I just wanted to play. The rest of the Gamelan was used to me, so didn't find it strange anymore that I was crawling around in the grass or whittling a wooden flute. It's just "Jen" they say and get back to talking.

Several people this week have thanked me, though. It's been funny, but they've all thanked me in their own way for always being "very much myself." Through all the oddities and social awkwardness, they said that the could always count on me to be totally genuine. And one mentioned that it frees them up to be the same.

So, as my voice teacher sighs while I'm having so much fun on her ball, I forget to sing, or as my student rolls their eyes when I honestly say they were thinking totally wrong, but in a fascinating manner, or as Kim looks at a brightly colored, clashing towel and says, "It's on sale for a reason, but yeah, it fits you all right." Well, now I'm beginning to see. They find it (as one close friend so accurately described) "frustratingly endearing." And knowing that, I see a bit of the spiritual gifts I've been given.

Haha. And the biggest of those is really just to be "very much myself."

Way of Life

Wide Reflective Equilibrium.

It was the last subject we covered in Philosophy:Meta-ethics and an interesting way to end the class. Reflective Equilibrium is basically the idea of resolving cognitive dissonances in our lives into one workable whole. And Wide Reflective Equilibrium is doing that same thing but with bigger ethical systems instead of individual experiences.

It was an interesting way for him to end the class because of the last stuff he said and because it was him who said it. My philosophy teacher, like many philosophers, loves to attack ideas and beliefs, especially those ideas that rest on religion.

But this time at the very end of class, he talked about how you go out into the world and you learn things. You learn logic, morals, the way things are, etc, and they end up making an entire experiencial sort of system. Then say you also have this belief in Christianity. He said something like, "It's all right if that's what you believe. It's all right if you're an atheist, a Buddist, a satanist. I don't really care. But what I do care about is that you put those two systems together. That you live what you believe. And that is the whole point."

I thought about it and still am thinking about it. Then, this week's Sunday School lesson had a similar topic. It was the basic idea of "what would Jesus do." And I kept thinking.

And as I was thinking in the store the other day, I heard a guy come up beside me and start muttering, "Well, it's gotta be somewhere here..."

I looked over and said, "What does?"

The guy looked at me funny (probably because I was a stranger) and said some product, I don't remember what, but we were on the health/sickness aisle. We found it together and he said, "Aww man. That's way more than I thought it would be. Guess I'll go without this time."

I said, "Oh, well, I have some cash on me," and despite his initial protests, I reached in my pocket and said a little prayer. I had some different bills in there, so I asked Heavenly Father to put the right amount in my hand and I'd give it. Right after they guy admitted he needed about $4, I pulled out a $5 bill and handed it to him.

He responded, astounded, "Wow. Now I could get something to eat too. Thank you."

I nodded, smiled, and turned back to my own shopping, trying to remember what it was I'd been thinking about before. "Oh yeah. I was thinking about how I could make my way of life more in line with my beliefs," I muttered, putting a few things back on the shelf.

The irony didn't hit me until much later, until after I'd finished helping a Mom with her kid, played with a stray dog, listened to an old man, helping someone get onto the bus, gave my strawberries away to a hungry person, gave some people directions, and helped fix a bike chain.

It's a life style and Jesus was all about unexpectedly serving someone (well, it's unexpected for me anyway, though He knew it was coming).

Happiness is also on that morph list, I think. Tonight I played with a nine-year old, chased a dragonfly, made a wooden flute, ran barefoot in the grass, smiled at the sun, wondered at the clouds, laughed at the breeze, tried a new trick on my bike, read some of a good book... Oh and took quite a few finals and worked and stuff. All good.

Now, thinking about it...I guess that I do manage it. If life is made up of a whole lot of unthinking service and indulgent joy, then maybe I'm in balance. Not in control, hahaha, not at all. But I feel like my focus and my actions are heading in the same direction and it feels like the right one.