Sometimes, I've just got to shake my head at myself. For being mature most of the time, sometimes I really can be rather childish.
I have Bronchitis right now. It's not great, but I was doing all right until last night when I tried to sing. I always sing to myself and to God as a way of talking. But last night, I found that my voice was gone. I tried to force it, but crackles and croaks with a little tone were all I could do and even those hurt to make.
I silently pouted on my bed for a while (with bouts of sleeping in between brooding) and was ungraciously ungrateful for my lot. I didn't wonder why it was me, but I sure wished to have my voice back.
Then, as I sat there, I remembered back to the last hip surgery. When everything was wrong and I hurt and could tell meds were affecting me and on top of it all, I couldn't sing with the oxygen tubes. My Dad was there and he asked me what I wanted to make me feel better. I said, "It's too much to ask." He asked me to say it anyway, so I said, "What I really want is to curl up around the harp, be alone, talk to God, and cry. But I doubt the hospital would let a harp in even if you wrapped it up and dragged it here." I fell asleep and when I woke up, Dad was back with my harp, unwrapping it and asking where I wanted it. I don't know if I started crying then, but I felt like doing to from being overwhelmed with emotions. The meds only accented what I felt and since what I felt was love, I was entirely overwhelmed.
I remembered that time as I sat there silently. I didn't remember it until just then. So with some effort, I grabbed the harp and laid it on my chest just like the post-surgery time. It helps me feel like I'm singing to feel the harp resonate with the different bones in my body.
This also made me realize once again that if you lament what you don't have, often you miss something much better. Now that I remember that memory of my Dad taking care of me, I realize that I would trade losing my voice for remembering it once again. And with not being able to sing, I had to sing to my Heavenly Father straight from the heart. Though it's more uncomfortable for me, I think He likes it better anyway.
I just wanted to remember this lesson for later on.
