Learning about Weakness

Something happened yesterday.

At first I thought it was a bad thing; I had gone to such lengths to avoid it. But now I am thinking that I needed this to happen after all.

Last night, I felt one of my dizzy spells come on and it was in the middle of a song at chorus. I tried to make it through the song (still not sure if I did or didn't) and then planned to slip away to the bathroom or something before anything happened so that no one would know.

But it didn't work. I fell backwards right where I stood.

I don't remember a whole lot from that time. But I do remember falling and more importantly, I remember someone (or some people) catching me before I hit the risers. Someone told me what to do, someone held my hand, someone asked me what I needed and so on. And even as I was embarrassed to be there and be in my situation, I recognized the concern and willingness to help from those around me.

It was only by looking back on what happened, that I learned. And boy, did I learn a lot of things that I really needed to know.

You see, I almost always have my focus upon being strong. So strong that I do not let down and actually had unintentionally gotten into the mindset that I could not let down. It was almost as if I believed my strength was why people liked me. I mean, sure, it's a good quality and one I intend to keep developing, but my focus on it was misplaced.

I guess the most important lesson was simple: I am allowed to fall and if I do, someone might actually be there to catch me.

And you know. I don't know any other way I could have really learned that particular lesson. Also, it feels good. I've never been weak before like this. I always assumed that I was the one who was always strong for everyone else and that it would always be that way.

But for a little bit my world was turned upside down. And it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Memories

It's been four years now, almost exactly, since one of my close friends died.

Sunday morning, I read over the journal entry I had of the experience and did a lot of thinking. It showed me a lot about myself and my friend that, at the time, I could not see through my grief.

After Mary Ellen died, there was a period there where I "lost myself." I could not seem to do the same things I had done before or at least couldn't manage to do anything the way I had used to.

As bad of a time as that was, I can look back now and see what that forced me to do and see that it was a good thing. When she died, I had to let go of preconceptions and habitual actions. From that moment on, I had to have meaning in everything I did, or it wasn't worth doing. That included things like negative comments and how I saw myself and others.

I also was forced to step up. To become an active player in my life. Once I saw how one of my teachers could be taken away, I was determined to learn everything I could while I could. And that's something I've just kept doing.

It makes me wonder how many bad things in life are really bad things, you know.