Friendship is a strange beast, all right.
In the past month, I've really been delving into the subject and just like with everything else, knowledge only serves to expound upon how much you don't know. Still, there are some things I think I'll want to read about later.
One problem I've had is that many people call me "friend" where I did not feel the same way about them. One example is this girl in my Physics class. Our beginnings are strange. I apparently met her soon after the accident, during my amnesia time. It was odd for us both when in second semester I sat down and this random girl sat next to me and started talking to me as if I knew her. Only problem was, I didn't remember her at all. Then on Katlyn's side of things, she had a friend and she came back the next semester just to find out that her friend didn't remember her and had a personality change. Over the next year, we backed off, but she still called me friend. I was dubious about reciprocating, though.
Truth be told, that was my own fault for being afraid. I didn't accept it until recently, but I was honestly afraid of having friends. Best friends I was okay with and acquaintances were just fine. But the concept of having a friend is a new one. This semester I'm changing that. I decided to make friends and the results have been incredible.
Turns out Katlyn reciprocates friendship easily and we are learning together. It's been strange, but quite wonderful. Like I've learned how to not run if Katlyn wants to walk and she's learned to pick her battles with our stubbornnesses and I've learned how to wait and say goodbye before leaving and she's learned how to listen when I'm not speaking English very well. Just things I never had to think about before.
Once Katlyn and I started becoming friends, I decided to try this friendship thing again. One day I went up and started asking Lin all the questions I could think of in order to ellicit conversation. Questions such as, "So. What did you think of problem 3a in the Differential equations homework?" and "Do you happen to know what accent doesn't say the r's at the end of words like 'chowda'?"
She admitted what I did was awkward, but highly effective. Since then, Lin and I have started becoming friends. Sometimes I forget how to be a friend, but she reminds me. In fact, just yesterday, Lin and Katlyn each said hi to me and the three of us walked across campus together. (I was skipping the whole time and they bonded in mutual amusement at my antics.) It's a wonderful sort of strange.
On the other side of things, I realized how I went wrong with Carol and I's friendship. I realized that she has been to me many, many things that I needed. Mom, Mentor, Missionary, Friend, Sister, Advisor, Life Coach, Medical Nurse, Consultant...etc. And at the time, I needed each one. She's been great about filling the roles of about 20 people and I appreciate her for doing that for me.
But now, I realized... I don't need those anymore. For example, with the missionary part. When I was first discovering Christianity, I needed to ask lots and lots of questions to someone I trusted. And I needed to ask so many that once a week get togethers were hardly enough. (That's because Carol had to be a whole group of believers to me until I was ready for a group of believers.) Sure, that was great and I'm glad she stepped up to it. But honestly at this stage, I've grown a lot spiritually and no longer need the constant attention. I also have other believers to ask questions of and know how to read and look up stuff on my own. She taught me to lean on God and I learned that, I just forgot to stop leaning on Carol too. The way to say thanks is to show her I can do it. That's how I say “I love you” without saying, “I need you more than anything” because I don't need her like that.
It's just like when I tutor students. My goal is to get them to the point that they don't need me. And I'm thrilled when they do so. It's really annoying when someone keeps checking back with me when they have it because I feel as though my teaching was a failure. That's one of the reasons that Carol (and I, in my right mind) thinks that I'm still too attached to her. I've been holding onto things way past when they were needed, afraid to just move on and become my own woman.
And with that fear of gaining more friendship, I was also afraid to reach out and get other friends because that would diminish Carol and I somehow. But it won't. I can show that I've learned a lot from this friendship and use it on gaining other friends. It shows that I value all the stuff I've been learning as we interact.
And another thing I'm finding is that there's a lot of difference in friendships. So, I learned a lot of lessons from Carol and I'm learning a lot of lessons from Katlyn and I get to use what I learn on the other. It's kind of fun actually.
And with more friendships, I've found that my life has more color. Alone time is great as a good white contrast to reset, but friendships are definitely a really neat set of colors in God's crayon box.
