One Year

It's strange to think of, but it's only been one year since I was hit by that truck. Exactly one year ago I was sitting at Carol's house in a wheelchair looking ahead with intense trepidation to surgery and cheering myself up by figuring out how to solve the problems I could while faced with so many I couldn't. Like how to take a picture of myself including wheelchair without a camera timer and limited range of motion in all limbs or how to maneuver the wheelchair at the end of the hall to get into my room without help.

I look back on that time with a smile in my eyes because that's when the seed of faith that had been planted and sprouted that spring took some real root and grew. It's when I learned a little piece of another world and  started fighting to learn the lessons that I otherwise would have had a worse time learning.

Just yesterday, I asked a few people for help without them prompting me. You see, one thing that was a major battle for me (Carol and Dad as my main witnesses) was needing help and asking for it. I never wanted to be weak. And I couldn't stand the thought of actually asking for help from someone. But I had to learn...again...and again and again how to do that. Now, a year later, I can say that humility is really starting to internalize. The battle comes up every once in a while, but admitting weakness isn't a trial anymore.

I've found that just walking is enough cause to smile. I was asked about it the other day in between classes, what I was smiling about and I asked in turn, "Do you realize how amazing it is to have two functional legs and all the muscle and bone intact and working together? Or how wonderful that feeling is each time you switch your weight to one side or another without any crutches? It's plenty enough to smile at."

There's another lesson that has become more a part of who I am. And that's that it's very hard for me not to initially love people. I don't even want to fight them now where before I loved debating. I guess that's patience. Sure, I loved people initially before, but now the patience extends beyond that so that I love them later too.

I don't particularly advise getting hit by a truck, but it really was exactly what I needed. I've deepened as a person and in relation to God... In fact those two are really intimately connected.

              “What I believe about God is the most important thing about me.”- A.W. Tozer

 I've still got so much to learn...in fact, getting hit smacked this idea into my skull that I really am not near as wise as I'd like to think. Wisdom was realizing that you can't run as fast as you can as soon as you're allowed to. Wisdom was asking for a ride to the doctor instead of trying to wheel there. Wisdom was not being jealous of people who could walk and run. Wisdom was knowing that that wheelchair was exactly where I was meant to be at that time. 

I can now, honestly, look back with nothing short of complete gratitude for this experience. All in one year.  

Marriage

So my secular friends will have to forgive my spiritual take on this and my spiritual friends will have to forgive my secular take on this, but I've been looking into the subject of marriage.

I've been watching young couples and couplings and old married couples and trying to figure this out the best that I can. Because we're in a fallen world, things, including this high commitment, aren't how they're supposed to be. In fact, for a while there from what I saw, there seemed to be no reason at all to get married. At least not for the girl.

All I saw were wives rolling over while husbands lorded over them, girlfriends compromising beyond all reason, and everyone generally trying to hide who they really were around their spouses. I asked one friend who is against marriage why people bothered and she answered, “For sex and stability and because social training says marriage is how you get those two things.”

I saw how children were affected by all this too and it was just sad. What I see there is a prime little petri dish for growing those women who just have sex with no strings and those who want nothing to do with it or marriage. Because they sure aren't going to go through that sort of unhappiness when they grow up. And quite frankly I was of the latter half. My sex drive isn't strong and I've got God for stability, so what other reasons would there be for marriage?

Yet, even deep in my cynicism, there were couples, married couples, that shine through. I'm not talking when I first meet them, but when I get to see how they treat each other without thinking later on. Anyone can make a front at first, but there were little things about these couples. Like how the wife would sidle over to lean against her husband or how the two would look at each other and their eyes would soften or how they would do something crazy like set a newspaper in the hallway and when I'd ask why they would answer, “Oh. Well, I do that whenever there's a good article. Saves them the trouble of reading all of them.”

These were the relationships that I wondered about. Kinda like when I was looking at Christianity. There were people who just exuded love that was out of this world and it came out in the little things. That's what drew me in then too. So, these people had something...something I couldn't quite grasp.

But I see this in Christian and non-Christian alike. Both the good and the bad. So it wasn't necessarily a matter of being saved.

One friend responded to my observations with, “Well, Jen. That's what we call love.” I wasn't sure about that. Then again, love's a difficult concept. Inspiring, but difficult like faith.

So, I began looking up love and saw the verses about what love looks like in the Bible. After reading things like the good Samaritan, the prodigal son, Abraham, Esther, and Christ, I had to agree it's love. The same feeling I had watching those (like I wanted to sigh, skip and dance and cry) is the same as when I see the couples that give me faith in marriage.

Sure, they fight, disagree, compromise, and sin, but love's more powerful than that if you let it work through you. 1^st Peter taught me a lot about both husband and wife. It talks in Chapter 5 of using your authority over those you are in charge of as God wanted you to, basically with love and consideration. 1^st Peter 3:7 especially. I remembered love things from Christ's life and how to lead is to serve. Yup, that's a Godly man. Not the one who says, “I'm in charge, so overall when we disagree, you submit.”

Though whether or not they do right, the wife should be firm to God and gentle and submissive. The reason totally compromising gets me is at that point you are no longer firm to God. As it said in chapter 3, the man may be turned by his wife's example. Do not give way to fear (including that of your husband's approval). And what I mean there is that when it comes down to it, follow God first and husband second. Submissive can be a beautiful thing and feel completely right. Like in dancing being led isn't being forced, nor is it taking charge and leading yourself. It's also an active thing, at least for me. Submitting isn't passive, just like dancing swing style is a breathless whoosh of constantly listening with every sense you have for the leading on what crazy move you both about to do next. If you just say, "Sure, whatever you want to do," without actually getting into the move it will be real awkward real fast. I think relationships are like that with submitting.

Also know that your beauty is in your character. And boy, I don't have to look far to see that that is true. Have you ever met that brave, strong, but gentle woman? I've met quite a few and they are indeed beautiful. And meeting that considerate man who cherishes his wife? Amazing.

It's almost impossible not to smile when you see that old couple walking side by side in the park. And that's not dependent on whether you agree with marriage or not. There's just something totally, undeniably right with it when you see them shuffling along the path holding hands. And that gives me hope.